Stop Argument: How to Stop the Never-Ending Argument

Are you tired of the argument that never seems to end? Do you feel as if you argue about the same thing(s) over and over again?  Do you want to stop the pain but don’t know how?

Gracefully Accepting a Concession Resolves Issues

Here, I am using the word concession to mean yielding, giving in, admitting we might be wrong.   How many times have we been in the middle of a fight and realized the other person was in fact right, (or more right than we were anyway), but we kept fighting. This often has to do with pride; it sometimes has to do with needing to be right, but just as often it has to do with the other person’s inability to gracefully accept a concession.

I don’t know how many times I’ve heard one person in a couple say begrudgingly, “Well, you’re right, I shouldn’t have done that,” only to have the other person respond with a triumphant gleam in their eye, “You bet I’m right!  You never listen to me.  Now, let me now tell you the other 27 times you’ve been wrong!”

I understand why people do this.  They see it as an opportunity to increase their power in the relationship and they want to take advantage of that opportunity for as long as possible.  Unfortunately, this just teaches their partner that it is not safe to ever admit they’re wrong or to concede that their partner may have a valid point.  And, chances are, if one person in the couple does not gracefully accept a concession, neither does the other one in an attempt to get that power back.  This pattern effectively sets up a communication style that does not ever allow compromise or concession.

This is, in my opinion, one of the biggest barriers to resolving most conflicts in a relationship.  It isn’t that someone doesn’t know they’re wrong or that the other person is right, it’s just that it’s not safe to admit it.

Gracefully accepting a concession is not always easy, but it is very simple.  Just say, “Thank you” or “I appreciate it,” and move on.  Give it a try today.

To learn more about gracefully accepting a concession to resolve issues using our online videos and downloadable exercises, check out our StrongMarriageNow System.

Stop argument: Do you have trouble gracefully accepting a concession? Does your partner?  How can we help? Please comment below.

Dr. Dana Fillmore and Amy Barnhart, co-Founders, StrongMarriageNow.com

Learn How To Solve Your Marriage Problems. Visit https://www.strongmarriagenow.com

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6 comments

Tom 11 years ago

I've had an argument with my wife going on 2 years now that's it's not cool that she is still friends (facebook, email, text) with a person she had an affair with. She says they are just "friends" now. I'm so tired on her refusal to change her position on this that I've quit saying anything on it. As a last resort so I can look at my kids and say I honestly tried everything in my power, we are going through your program now. I'm hopeful that the program will help, but worried that if she doesn't drop him as a friend we'll never be able to move forward.

amybarnhartsd 11 years ago

Hi Tom, You are right that your wife continuing the relationship is destructive to your relationship. Please share this article with your wife: Six Steps to Survive an Affair Wishing you the best.

Qmar 10 years ago

there done for good etc, etc But I believe in my heart of htraes that this is just going to be a glitch in their marriage, and that they wont go throught with the divorce all the way. Anyways back to the original question, I would like your opinion on the things that he has said to me, and done.1) She got a new hair cut and sent him a picture message of it, he then showed me the picture and proceeded to tell me how good it looked.2) He told me she was losing weight and how good she was looking3) he's always praising her, and how good of a person she is, how sweet she is, and how good of a mother she is, etc, etc.4) They cant go a day withought talking to eachother, he claims it's always talking about the kids( he uses the kids for excuses and scapegoats all the time)5) we were on vacation and out to a nice sit down dinner, and he text her back and forth the entire time( again, about the kids)6) He runs to her beck and call, if she wants him to go some where or do something, he does it.7) He moved out 2 weeks ago, but has been home every day to take care of the kids He goes there on his days to watch them, and then she usually calls him and asks him to watch them for her or her days to have them He of course always goes. She recently made a new guy friend, that he is convinced is more than a friend, and he was visibaly uspet about it. When I told him who cares why doe you care, you have a GIRLFRIEND!!! He proceeded to use the kids as an excuse again saying that he is nervous about another guty around his kids.9) And finally just last night I went to his new place he's staying and saw a fix your marriage type book on the floor, and when I asked him about it, he said that he bought it a year ago when he was trying, and I said , yeah thats why your brought it with you to your new place..he then told me his wife put it in a bag with his bills and some other stuff and told him to take it.( fu**ing bull if you ask me)I can't take much more Whats your opinion.He says I am not the reason for the divorce, but who know if thats true.I would like to add, that I do not care if he wants to work on his marriage, I simply don't want him dragging me along, if he is trying to work on things. I would be more than happy to let go, and not get in the middle of it.

Perrier 8 years ago

I don't think he values us as a marriage, he does disrespectful things ie phone ringing at night after 11pm, I don't know who it is but he don't offer an explanation either, lock on his phone,{ not that I will answer it anyway totally not my style), he says it because I sit it down a lot at work and don't want anyone lookin, some late hours occasionally(not many but some) and when I comment he become defensive, in addition one particular incident when he went against me for another woman(his friend wife) openly in a disagreement and told me I was crazy for thinking how I did. my husband is 5 years younger than me. He accuses me of being bossy. I've tried to talk to him before (informal) and ask him to identify things he believe is bossy so I can change them or at least acknowledge them, his response is "you just is' . Obviously I don't know how to correct it but I will if we can ever talk about it....when I bring a issue to him, he writes it off and say "we cool" ...(maybe he cool, I'm not). we never really solves issues { I mention them, he say we cool, we don't talk for couple days and then he says "I don't want to be mad anymore" and starts with the hugging or just paying me any attention. I don't want to harbor over things so I just let it go but still not resolved. most talks lead to argument when I do try so my behavior has been, not to bring it up and just deal with it....I hurt, bathroom crying and I don't like it. I can not and will not live my life this way tho I whole heartily want this marriage to work.... I think I'm alone on this one help

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Perrier - I don't think you are alone at all. Many spouses prefer to ignore the conflict, which doesn't get the problem resolved. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/save-marriage-spouse-wont-talk/

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