How to Stop the Fighting and the Pain

Does your marriage feel like more of a burden than a blessing?  Do you find yourself fighting with endlessly?  Do you want to know how to end the fighting once and for all and know how to be happy again?  You’re not alone.  But get ready, Dr. Fillmore’s got a lot to say on fighting and in her usual style, it’s straightforward, practical and will get you thinking.

So you want to know how to stop fighting?  Well, that's simple - Don't Fight.  “What?!” you say.  That’s right!  You can, (and will!), discuss, disagree, cajole, argue, persuade, differ, convince, entice, inveigle and (occasionally), bicker, but fighting is right out!

The point of fighting is for someone to “win” and for someone to “lose” and that this only damages the relationship. We can discuss, argue, even vehemently make our point, but fighting is destructive and a complete waste of time.

Having said this, it is often difficult for people to let go of fighting because anger often feels good!  It's a rush and feels invigorating.  We feel in control.  We feel righteous and safe, (safe from acknowledging our true feelings, that is).  And we know that anger is always a result of feeling fear or pain, which are often far more complicated and uncomfortable to deal with. So if we're coming at each other with anger, it’s most often because we're actually not dealing with our real emotions.

What I hear from people most often is “I can't help it!  He makes me so mad!”  What she clearly believes here is that she has no control over her emotions, that she simply “loses her temper.”  This is, in fact, rarely the case.  I often ask if she has the same problem of “losing her temper” with her boss.  “No,” she replies, “I'd get fired.”  She usually starts to figure out where I'm going by this point.  If one can control their emotions at the office, one can control their emotions with the most important relationship in their life.  Our anger, like our mood, is our choice.  It's not something that “happens” to us, it's something we create and fuel. Take responsibility for your anger and choose to never fight again.

If, in fact, you find that you truly can't control your temper, then there may be something else going on, like depression, substance abuse, or even a serious anger problem.  If you think any of these might apply to you, I strongly encourage you to seek professional help today.

To learn more about how to stop fighting and get your marriage on an even, loving playing field, check out our StrongMarriageNow System.

Does this apply to you? Was this helpful?  Got a question?  Please comment below.

Check Out Our Video: How To Regain the Love, Rekindle Passion and Save Your Marriage

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7 comments

Marthese 8 years ago

I have been using your programs and my spouse keep telling me What I am doing is manipulating and pushing him away further . He says He wouldn't have moved out 7 months ago if he wanted to come back What do I do now ? I feel I have been trying yet he is still so do angry towards me

Kim Rogers Dunaway 8 years ago

I need advice. After reading "Having said this, it is often difficult for people to let go of fighting because anger often feels good!..We feel righteous and safe, (safe from acknowledging our true feelings, that is). And we know that anger is always a result of feeling fear or pain, which are often far more complicated and uncomfortable to deal with. So if we're coming at each other with anger, it’s most often because we're actually not dealing with our real emotions." My question is this: my husband and I split up - his choice. We've been together for 20 years, married 17. I think he is going through a mid-life crisis (just turned 45 and both parents died 14 months apart) but of course he denies it. My husband told me that he didn't love me anymore. When I told him that I didn't see it coming and was devastated he laughed at me and said the only reason I was with him was because I was afraid of being alone and needed him for financial reasons. I moved out after 6 months of verbal abuse and am finally at a point where I can be cordial. When we converse through email or text I tell him that I miss him and still love him because I do. I still cry and it's been almost 9 months. He writes hateful things back to me - I'm a winch, a bitch, fuck off, etc. He left the bedroom and I moved out and I think he was shocked. Do you think his anger towards me is because he is pain and still loves me? He's never been afraid of anything. My husband was adopted twice and I was with him longer than any other woman in his life. I don't know whether to accept that my marriage is over because he's too proud to tell me that he wants me back or try to talk to him face-to-face about his feelings.

Gloria 7 years ago

Hi Kim. Your story sounds so similar to mine: married 28 years; met almost 30 years ago and now separated for 1 year, living 3 hours apart. I thought my husband was also going through a mid-life crises for the past 4 1/2 years, saying hurtful things to me as well, even that he had moved on and that I needed to do the same. He has never filed for divorce, there is not another woman, just continued verbal abuse. I know that we both love each other and are true soul mates, so I have prayed a lot and cried a lot over the years, hoping for positive change from both of us. The good news is that we have had a breakthrough!!! My husband says he has never stopped loving me and is transferring his job to relocate with me and we are purchasing a home together again. My advice is to keep the lines of communication open and only speak kind words. Try not to argue, even when he initiates it. If you believe in God and truly want to grow old together, then pray, have faith and trust God to guide the two of you in the direction of a reconciled, healed and loving marriage. Gloria.

Mike_Olsen_SMN 7 years ago

Gloria, Thanks for sharing, that is some great advice for Kim.

Tina 7 years ago

someone who can say words like winch, bitch and fuck off, aren't worth fighting for,you deserve better,,,turn to god,, and have faith,, Tina

Tina 7 years ago

let time heal your wounds,and stay focused on the positive things you are doing,remember love does not hurt it helps,,,

Nick 7 years ago

Hang in there Kim. when I started to implement all of the things in Strong Marriage Now my wife became furious with me. It seemed the harder I tried the madder she became. According to Dr Fillmore that it completely normal. They see us making the improvements now and it upsets them that we seem to be able to do this only when we have too. It wasn't until months later after I made my changes permanent that my wife realized how hard I had worked and that the changes were in fact permanent. My advise to you is to stay on your side of the marriage and only communicate for the necessary things. DO NOT push him or invite him back to the marriage. Don't even bring it up or talk about it unless he does. That just upsets the other spouse and they only move farther away. Trust me, this is from someone who was exactly where you are. The harder I tried to talk her back the farther away she went. Focus on getting your side of the marriage squared away. I will pray for you and your husband and hope that things work out. This worked for me and my wife. We are in the strongest relationship we have ever been in and closer than ever. Just know it takes time.