A regular feature of our blog is Dr. Dana answering your questions. If you’d like your question answered, please comment below:
Today’s Question: We’re Constantly Sniping At Each Other
My husband and I don’t “fight,” but we are constantly sniping at each other and I’m tired of it. It’s like we just can’t be kind to each other any more, like we don’t know how. Can you help?
– Diana from Franklin Tennessee
- Always remember the Golden Rule when it comes to your marriage. Your spouse deserves your kindness and you deserve kindness in return.
I’m just going to be blunt: without kindness in your relationship, your marriage will be miserable. If this sniping continues, it can damage your relationship and put it risk for even bigger issues. The sniping can also potentially escalate into badgering and bullying, which can wear down the foundation of your connection to each other. It’s very important that you turn that pattern around. I encourage you to make a sincere effort to be more loving.
Here are some things you can do to bring kindness back into your marriage:
1. Say “yes” a lot more than “no” when your spouse asks for a favor or for help.
2. Be willing to share that last piece of pie or cookie because being kind is being generous.
3. Listen with your heart.
4. Don’t interrupt your spouse.
5. Be polite and say “please” and “thank you” when speaking to your spouse.
6. Show respect for your mate.
7. Let your spouse know how much he/she is appreciated.
8. Don’t roll your eyes.
9. Routinely look for the good in your spouse.
10. Be helpful.
11. Don’t allow unkind comments to flow from your lips.
12. Make sure that your teasing is fun and not hurtful.
Try these tips for a while and see if your spouse doesn’t start to become kinder to you!
What many of these tips come down to is Dr. Dana’s Golden Rule Of Marriage, which states:
You Must Give In Your Marriage What You Want To Receive
If you want be loved, appreciated, and wanted, you must show love, appreciation and desire for your spouse. If you want to be heard, you must listen. Check out this article for a lot more info on this critical topic.
Want to follow our proven System to get more love and fix your marriage? Check out our StrongMarriageNow System today!
Dr. Dana Fillmore and Amy Barnhart, co-Founders, StrongMarriageNow.com
I read the 12 things that create Kindness in a marriage, none of them apply to this marriage, her 5yr affair, her deceit, her lies, her arrogance. It was DOOMED from the start and that was 51 yrs ago, oh woe is me for not getting out. SHE knew where the doors were.
Ray, I pray the Lord's comfort and understanding over you and your spouse. I know your pain, and I know just how you feel. My wife's constant deceit, never-ending lies and blatant arrogance made the affair she was involved in seem minimal. Looking back, I'm not sure which attributed the most pain & hurt, was it the affair itself, or was it her actions and the way in which she carried herself, not only during, but after I found out she was indeed having an affair. I'm not really sure which it was for me, but like I stated, I do understand where you're coming from. The ramifications from deceit, lies and arrogance place a whole different spin on things. It's hard and hurts like hell, I know. I just want you to know that you're not alone out there. Its been said many of times, but there's some of us, unfortunately, who've actually lived and experienced it. That being, the fact that "sometimes bad things happen to good people." Not just good people, but "good men" and "good husbands." And I don't want to sound, as though I'm insensitive, to all the "good women" and "good wives" out there. I understand there's many of wives who've experienced and went through the exact thing with their husbands. I don't have the answer(s), and to be honest, I don't think anyone really does. I believe each situation is unique and thus, a unique answer(s) will be needed. Good luck to you Ray... may God give you what's needed, to rectify the devastation and transform your marriage into something new and unimaginable! God bless you... <
Murphy, Thank you. Murphy, you are the only and first person ever to respond to one of my e-mails about an Affair my wife had 43 yrs ago, 48 counting the 5yr Affair. An affair is a Lie in itself , doing something behind a spouses back, for whatever reason without giving the other spouse the chance to move on, have a loving and trusting life, i wasn't standing in Her way if She wanted out.
In the make up of humans there's these parts that parts that make us happy. Work, play, etc, but one part is extremely important and part is your emotional well-being, you see my wife had a 5yr affair 43yrs ago, i see this as Her satisfying Her emotional well-being,the problem with this is neither of us got the Divorce, so for the last 43yrs we both suffer in silence with NO emotional well-being, Her with Her affair memories and me with pain memories. Were like two ships passing in the night, i blame HER for NOT getting the DIVORCE. This is one marriage that is NOT fixable. SHE's a Black Scotchman, extremely arrogant like Her father. Been better if SHE not been born.
Wow; 43 yrs is s looong grudge! I have no words as to why anyone would voluntarily live in such misery... are you financially dependent on her?
No, i'm not dependent on Her in any which way. i'm a passive, naive person but aggressive in the favorable sense, such as i built a cottage then a house without having a mortgage, sold them both recently for $308,000, She has spent most of that already without contributing anything. As to why, "anyone would voluntarily live in such misery..." ,read the above again what i did by myself and consider what i would have done with Her support or what i would have done on my own. SHE knew where the DOORS were.
Joe S, my reply to your question is posted here. Subject: Re: New comment posted on The Importance of Kindness