Scared Your Marriage Over? Don’t Panic.

If you’ve been having some trouble in your marriage lately, especially if the problems seem relatively new, it’s absolutely critical that you don’t panic – and accidentally make the issues worse than they already are.

Couples can experience problems for any number of reasons, but when those problems first arise, it can be jarring. One (or both) of you might feel blindsided, or it might feel like the problem has been a long time coming – and is just now coming to a head. Either way, the tension that people feel can affect their behavior. Fights (and saying things we don’t really mean) can lead to resentment, and because of all this, problems have a way of folding back on themselves and making things worse and worse the longer they go unresolved.

So, if you are experiencing problems, what should you do?

Specific problems will, of course, require specific solutions – but in an effort to help you and your spouse keep things from getting worse, these are pretty universal tips to help you ensure you’re in a mental and emotional place that will allow you to tackle the specifics and move beyond your problems.

The first step, as the title of this blog suggests, is to keep your head. Don’t panic or stress out that your marriage is falling apart. This may sound all but impossible, but think about it for a moment – if you’re stressing out, feeling tense, angry, or depressed, you’re more likely to be short with your spouse, which could then learn to more arguments instead of productive communication.

If you think your marriage is over, don't panic!
If you think your marriage is over, don’t panic!

Similarly, allowing yourself to panic or wallow in self-defeat will also make you less likely to feel like you can make positive changes to your situation – and that’s going to prevent you from making an effort to improve your marriage.

Next, do everything you can to avoid drama – both in your relationship and in other facets of your life. Conflict tends to breed more conflict. If you’re getting into it with people at work, spending time with chaotic or dramatic friends, etc., this tension will bleed into your marriage.

The same goes for the day to day of your marriage. Drama comes from nitpicky arguments, from pushing each other’s buttons, from a lack of effort to keep things loving and positive…

Picking fights, employing the “silent treatment,” even letting yourself get dragged into battles over finances, the kids, etc., can shift your focus from solvable problems to “dramatic” conflict that only pulls you further away from your spouse. Avoid this kind of drama as best you can.

Lastly, don’t be afraid of counseling! Professional counselors, material like the StrongMarriageNow System, and even the information found in these blogs can help you understand the source of your problems, as well as help you develop ways to strengthen your marriage and get things back to a place of happiness and connection.

Far too many couples wait until things are at their worst to seek help, when they could have tackled their problems much, much sooner. If you’re having problems, don’t hesitate to start working on them! At the very least, don’t be afraid to research your options or start learning about the elements of a healthy marriage!

Material and services that help couples build strong marriages aren’t just reserved for struggling couples. Any marriage can stand to benefit from this type of advice and information – and if you are worried about the state of your relationship, that’s all the more reason to explore ways to improve it!

The main point here is this: DON’T GIVE UP!

Even if things seem bad, hope is not lost. You can adjust your attitude, the way to treat your spouse, and where you focus your efforts to get things back on track.

For more advice on how to strengthen your marriage, check out the StrongMarriageNow System today!
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Dr. Dana Fillmore and Amy Barnhart, co-Founders, StrongMarriageNow.com

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24 comments

josie 8 years ago

Nothing is wrong, but I'm not happy. When I say nothing is wrong, I should say nothing has changed. I have been married almost 13 years. We have 4 boys together. We are friends. We have satisfying sex, but something is just not there. I'm not happy. I'm bored, and that's been for years now.

josie 8 years ago

Nothing is wrong, but I'm not happy. When I say nothing is wrong, I should say nothing has changed. I have been married almost 13 years. We have 4 boys together. We are friends. We have satisfying sex, but something is just not there. I'm not happy. I'm bored, and that's been for years now.

Rebecca 8 years ago

Every time my husband and I argue he constantly tells me that he wants a divorce. We will argue about the smallest things that explodes into a full blown arguments that will last for days. I'm so sick of it ughh!

Rebecca 8 years ago

Every time my husband and I argue he constantly tells me that he wants a divorce. We will argue about the smallest things that explodes into a full blown arguments that will last for days. I'm so sick of it ughh!

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Rebecca - You both need to learn to let things go, and how not to escalate the argument. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/marriage-counseling-video-stop-fighting-calling/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Rebecca - You both need to learn to let things go, and how not to escalate the argument. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/marriage-counseling-video-stop-fighting-calling/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Josie, that's incredibly common. People crave excitement, and change. Why don't you both try something new in the bedroom, or pick up a new hobby? Go back to school. You don't need to be stagnant. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/keeping-passion-alive-through-the-stages-of-marriage/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Josie, that's incredibly common. People crave excitement, and change. Why don't you both try something new in the bedroom, or pick up a new hobby? Go back to school. You don't need to be stagnant. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/keeping-passion-alive-through-the-stages-of-marriage/

Tom 8 years ago

My wife is emotion ally checked out, has been for a couple years. Long term issues that were just never dealt with due to lack of communication. We have two very young children and I love her with all of my heart. She has a giant wall up and will not let me in or let herself out. It is awful and it is tearing me apart inside knowing I caused her so much pain and never knew it. The one positive is she has agreed to go to counseling, so we will be starting that immediately. Please pray for us.

Tom 8 years ago

My wife is emotion ally checked out, has been for a couple years. Long term issues that were just never dealt with due to lack of communication. We have two very young children and I love her with all of my heart. She has a giant wall up and will not let me in or let herself out. It is awful and it is tearing me apart inside knowing I caused her so much pain and never knew it. The one positive is she has agreed to go to counseling, so we will be starting that immediately. Please pray for us.

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Tom, we will certainly keep you in our thoughts. Being a mom can be very hard, and it can be difficult to balance parenting with being a wife and a woman. I hope you both can find a resolution. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/save-marriage-spouses-feelings-changed-feel-blindsided/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Tom, we will certainly keep you in our thoughts. Being a mom can be very hard, and it can be difficult to balance parenting with being a wife and a woman. I hope you both can find a resolution. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/save-marriage-spouses-feelings-changed-feel-blindsided/

Jim 8 years ago

My husband has left and doesn't want any contact with me. I can't blame him after I caused him years of hurt by getting mad at him for stupid things, and making him feel like a failure. How can I convince him to try this if he won't even see me or talk to me? It's as if I never existed.

Jim 8 years ago

My husband has left and doesn't want any contact with me. I can't blame him after I caused him years of hurt by getting mad at him for stupid things, and making him feel like a failure. How can I convince him to try this if he won't even see me or talk to me? It's as if I never existed.

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Jim, you aren't going to be able to tell him. You are going to have to show him. And if he won't talk right now, how about a letter? https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/save-marriage-spouse-wont-talk/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Jim, you aren't going to be able to tell him. You are going to have to show him. And if he won't talk right now, how about a letter? https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/save-marriage-spouse-wont-talk/

Jim 8 years ago

I'll try the letter. We're long distance now, so showing seems a challenge. I did purchase the Strong Marriage System- so hopefully I'll learn hoe to show him long distance in the program. I wonder though.... we separated 2 weeks ago- have had no communication in a week, and before then only sporadic emails where either I was begging him to stay or he was telling me why it was really over. I've read that I should enter a period of no contact for a month to allow him to think things over and "to miss me." Should I have no contact for a month before writing the letter and inviting him to watch the video, "Making the Best Decision for Your Marriage" or should I ask him to watch it now. He did ask me to give him some time to think- and he is insistent that it's over. he has lost all hope that it can be better.

Jim 8 years ago

I'll try the letter. We're long distance now, so showing seems a challenge. I did purchase the Strong Marriage System- so hopefully I'll learn hoe to show him long distance in the program. I wonder though.... we separated 2 weeks ago- have had no communication in a week, and before then only sporadic emails where either I was begging him to stay or he was telling me why it was really over. I've read that I should enter a period of no contact for a month to allow him to think things over and "to miss me." Should I have no contact for a month before writing the letter and inviting him to watch the video, "Making the Best Decision for Your Marriage" or should I ask him to watch it now. He did ask me to give him some time to think- and he is insistent that it's over. he has lost all hope that it can be better.

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Jim, I would give him a bit of separation. You showing that you respect him enough to give him the space he asks for can be the first step in showing him you're willing to change.

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Jim, I would give him a bit of separation. You showing that you respect him enough to give him the space he asks for can be the first step in showing him you're willing to change.

Mary 7 years ago

I have been with my husband since I was 13 years old, married 24, he has told me that he loves me and cares for me and will always be there to take care of me however he is not in love with me, he says our marriage s over, left 3 months ago and has stronger feelings for his "friend" says he doesn't consider it a relationship nor is he pursuing one at this time, he says he hasn't given up on our marriage, he will move into his new place in September and I am afraid he will not want to reconcile, is it possible to think that my marriage can survive in time?

Mary 7 years ago

I have been with my husband since I was 13 years old, married 24, he has told me that he loves me and cares for me and will always be there to take care of me however he is not in love with me, he says our marriage s over, left 3 months ago and has stronger feelings for his "friend" says he doesn't consider it a relationship nor is he pursuing one at this time, he says he hasn't given up on our marriage, he will move into his new place in September and I am afraid he will not want to reconcile, is it possible to think that my marriage can survive in time?

Mike_Olsen_SMN 7 years ago

Hi Mary, it's not uncommon for marriages to go through these growing pains. In fact, we recently posted about overcoming them. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/new-study-shows-marriage-in-danger-at-10-years/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 7 years ago

Hi Mary, it's not uncommon for marriages to go through these growing pains. In fact, we recently posted about overcoming them. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/new-study-shows-marriage-in-danger-at-10-years/