When Marcy and her husband moved to San Francisco a few years ago, she had no friends close by and was alone frequently while her husband worked long hours. Though Marcy, who asked that her real name not be used, says her husband was the “best friend someone could have,” the spark, and the sex, were gone. Seeking company and a little romance, Marcy joined a website that connects married people wanting to have an affair. After a few dates with a man she connected with, she began an ongoing affair. “He was giving me all of the stuff my husband wasn’t, like attention and affection,” she says.
While there are many reasons for infidelity, such as revenge, boredom, the thrill of sexual novelty, and even sexual addiction, a large majority of the time, while men search for more attention and appreciation through sex, women look to fill an emotional void. Women who cheat frequently feel lonely and disconnected, they no longer feel close to their partner, and often feel taken for granted. They are frequently looking to have someone look into their eyes and help them feel desirable again. There’s a reason why romance novels are the number one selling genre among booksellers today. The typical hero in these novels is burning with desire for the heroine and women find that hard to resist – not because he wants to have sex, but because he wants to have sex with his woman, specifically.
Sometimes a woman may have an affair, end it, and then tell her husband as a way to point out they are in more trouble than he thought. The fact is affairs are almost always caused by problems in the marriage. Marriage Education like what we offer at StrongMarriageNow can be very helpful to avoid going down that path. People have affairs because they are looking to meet a need that is not getting met in their marriage. Before that happens, couples should consider that there are seven major skills that couples need to learn in order to have a strong and healthy marriage. These are:
• Establishing Relationship Ground Rules
• Spending Time Together
• Understanding Each Other
• Resolving Conflict
• Agreeing on Money Issues
• Fairly Dividing Responsibilities
• Having a Satisfying and Healthy Sex Life
If you find yourself in a situation where you’re feeling disconnected and unhappy, take heart, things can only get better. Couples that are strong in these areas have the best opportunity at having a long-term happy faithful marriage.
Further, I want to tell you that a marriage can not only be saved after an affair, it can actually get a lot better with some work. Now, I don’t want to minimize how painful the betrayal and loss of trust caused by an affair can be. The truth is it happens to a lot of marriages; in fact, 50% of marriages are impacted by some sort of infidelity at some point in the marriage. However, the good news is that if the couple decides to stay together and work on the issues mentioned above, learning why their relationship was vulnerable in the first place, and then fixing it, can actually lead to a stronger and happier marriage.
For more information on how to get your marriage back on track and making your relationship its best without office visits to a therapist check out our video today!
Have you and your spouse been arguing a lot lately? Are you afraid you have a cheating wife? Please comment below.
Dr. Dana Fillmore and Amy Barnhart
The “Save My Marriage” System That Has Helped Many Couples Improve Their Relationship & StrongMarriageNow.com