Here's the next video in our blog series “Dr. Dana Answers Your Questions.”  

This week’s question is “Can a marriage be saved if only one of us doesn't want a divorce/separation and is the only one willing to work at it to save it?”

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Please comment below the video to ask your own questions or just to let us know what you think.  We’re frequently shooting new videos and will answer the top questions as part of this ongoing series.

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  • Adam tolbert

    My wife wants a divorce says she has moved on claiming she is single. What can I do to save my marriage we have two boys.together

  • Travis

    Hi my wife is not communicating with me. How can I get her attention. Should I send her a letter?

  • Carolina

    Most of the problems in my marriage I can honestly say are my fault. I've had multiple "emotional affairs", frequently lying to my husband about little things, and my spending habits. I am trying to change and have been doing good in some areas but my husband has "checked out". How do I fix my marriage because I do really want it to work. My husband and I used to be the best of friends and now more often he cant stand to be in the same room with me. Help Please.

  • Hope

    Can I still reach out to my husband & win him back? He's been gone for 6 months & I don't want a divorce but he does. We have a child as well.

  • Jj

    I was separated from my wife for about a week, she asked me back and a week later things went bad. I hadn't read anything on relationships and pushed her to talk. Things blew up and both of us said some very hurtful things out of anger. She told me when we get enough money prolly beginning of next month I should move out and she wants a divorce. I started using what I have learned so far. She is still not talking to me a whole lot. When she does it's kind short and mean. It has been two weeks now. I went out with the guys last night. This morning she cornered me and asked if I really went out on a date. She also has not changed her Facebook status and has us still married, I know she has been on it a lot since the fight. Is this a good sign? Should I keep doing what I'm doing?

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN


      It sounds to me like you two need to try and reconnect. This is a great video on how to feel close again:

      • Jj

        I watched the video and that would be great. Right now she does't want anything to do with me. It seems that I am the only one that wants to make it work. I get little glimpses of hope here and there but they are short lived then its back to ignoring me again. I am going to keep doing what I am doing. Staying positive and not argue with her at all. I get confused every now and then about the signals she is giving off.

  • Adry Rodriguez

    Ok my husband is 9 years younger than me. We have been fighting alot over little dumb things. Also I fight with him due to his wonderful xbox. He works everyday weekends too. But when hes home hes not really home. So yesterday I blew up and told him to leave. He left. And now he says he needs time to think. He says he loves me and my girls but hes conflicted. It doesnt help that his family is telling him to leave me and not come back home. Im dying of a broken heart. Im nauseous stomach ache headaches can't sleep can eat I don't know what to do anymore I feel like I'm fighting all by myself I keep telling him to please come home holding him and he says no please help me

  • Me

    Ok so here we go- this is my first time commenting on a topic of this nature publicly. My husband and I dated for 2 years and married August of this year. After marrying him everything has gone downhill. The sex has become extinct-I discovered he has been self satisfying with porn for some time- the blatant disrespect has filtered its way into our relationship- we rarely go out together - when we share the same bed there is no intimacy he is on one side I am on the other- we barely communicate and when we do it turns into a fight. He has started making comments about my body- the list goes on and on. I have asked for a divorce at this point and there is no response from him. I don't know if this marriage can be saved...

  • kim

    A few weeks ago my husband told me he didn't love me anymore so that's when I purchased a system I have been working and doing everything possible to save my marriage so I have been working on this by myself he loves everything that I've changed last week when I was on a community call i asked Dr Dana my questions immediately she asks is he seeing somebody else and I said no very next day I found out that he was talking to somebody I don't think it went past that so when I confronted him it was really strange because at this point he says he's completely done, we are so over there is no us and so when he came back at me with the comment he has been thinking maybe he wanted to work it out I was really confused at the same time he saying all of this I have been trying to get us to go out and do something fun just the two of us And everytime it gets shut down so now I'm just like I'm done now he doesn't want to do nothing with me doesn't want to try. The every next day he comes to me and says I have ended all communication with this person and she is leaving the company. but still at the same time still saying we are done there is no us i dont know if he ended cause he felt he was disrespectful to his kids cause we still stay in same house are what. still he dont want to spend time with me I am so ready to give up what do i do where do I go from here

  • kim

    I love him very much I don't want to push what I want on him so I have not. I might have said the wrong thing when I said I was done , I am not done I am finding no hope in the situation I know things have gotten better we seem to solve problems without fighting and we have sex like every other day but there is just no connection after its said and done. Emotional during sex yes but after there is none I know he is scared to check back in to what we had before but that's not what I am asking him to do. I have told him that weeks ago but as I said early not pushing anything on him the more I do that the more I push him away but it seems no matter what I do he is never going to want to get back to trying and that's why I feel no hope. Especially since I am the only one working on us even if there is no us in his eyes. I guess what I am saying is how can you get someone to fall back in love when your doing everything they want but they still say no I don't want to date you I don't want to start over again

  • Liz

    This all sounds great, but my problem is that we both decided that our marriage is over. We have two small children and i have done anything to try to make it work. I don't really wanna give up, but my husband has moved out and to him there is no turning back. Does this mean i really don't have any hope? This won't work for me anymore...right? (Looking for a miracle)

  • kim

    You and me both

  • chastey

    well there is a huge age diffarance between us because i am 19 and he is 35 we have been married for over 2 years and we have a 11 month old baby girl together and we tryed to give each other space but that doesnt seem to be working and we dont sleep in the same room any more i dont want a devorse but i think that where we are heading and everythings happening so fast, he balms me for being crazy and he blams me for everything i know its part my falt but he is to blam to. please help me save my marrige for my baby girl please! thank you

  • AngelR

    I am so hoping this discussion board can help. I had a year long affair after several years of an unhappy marriage to a man who was wonderful then seemed to forget that I was around but I continued to love. My husband found out and we have separated. That was last November. Since that time, we've spent time together, had intimacy, etc. Of course he still has his bad days where he replays everything and wants to forget about working on us and downplays the good days we've had since the separation. We can both see where we both went wrong but he doesn't feel he can "get past" what I did. He refuses to see a counselor because he doesn't see how one could help him. He is very prideful man. What can I do to help put our marriage back together?

  • Mel

    My husband says that he's "unhappy" and "needs a break". Everyone who i talked to says that i should give him space and let him figure out what he wants. Is that the right thing to do? I feel like if i give him that space, he'll fall out of love faster.

  • Rick Valois

    My name is Rick Valois and my wife is pushing for a devoice and I really want to save it I have even asked her to go to counseling but she dont want to go. Have can I save my marriage

  • rando 50

    31 years of why. I married young and we divorced for protection on paper but never stopped being a married couple. My husband loves to drink. His whole family are drinkers. I am not. I have expressed my feeling of us going over to their place and he drinks so much that I become afraid / stressed as he drives me home. It is hard for me to drive at night. If I don't go to his family functions he tells them I don't like them. Now are children are over 25 years old and they drink. I am stressed at times with the way things are. He don't want any counseling, church, or therapy. I need something.

  • rando 50

    After part of watching video and advising him of counseling; Big E told me last night after divorce we are 2 single people occupying same space. He says he stays because he is familiar with me and enjoys at times. That was the first time he gave relationship a title. I have always allowed for his protection and peace of mind. It is time for my peace and for someone to protect me. I don't understand how he could be so selfish and uncaring. He also said no to any outside help, he states if he can't handle he will leave. What is going on, that's not alcohol talking

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      Rando 50,
      If he is willing to make the relationship work this is a great resource for getting your partner to "Recommit to the Marriage."

    • mj

      I also get the rude attitude. Hard to hear.

    • sue

      This sounds familiar to me. I have forgiven so much and worked too hard to protect him from the un-comfortableness of life because he can't handle it and now we can't talk about anything other than the weather without it become a "fight" in his eyes and "He doesn't want to keep doing this" So how do you reconnect with only conversations about the weather, groceries,.... We have big problems and obstacles but Divorce is a Big Deal and a LOT of work... I can face what that future would look like for us, our kids, our dogs... I honestly don't think he's really thought about how any of the logistics look like, it just seems easier than working on the marriage... Reality is I'm so far down the road emotionally and can see what's coming because I've had my eyes open the whole time. He's an emotional adolescent and it's time he grew up... and I guess that's what is making me the enemy

  • John

    I want to save my marriage but my wife wants a divorce and won't even speak to me is there any hope?

  • tracie

    I have been married for 10 1/2 years we have 2 kids and we only got married because I was pregnant. over time I think he did start to love me but I have so many personal issues that he just got to tired and stopped trying. he yells at me saying the worst things he can think of and I behave in the worst way when he does that. I do have love for him but I don't think either one of us actually loves each other. we are both children of divorces families and I think that what makes it so easy for him to want to quit. but I look at my kids and know that I have to keep trying because most all of my personal issues come from my parents. Im not in love with him but I do have love for him and adore our children and I know that same is felt by him. currently we are not sleeping together, not sex or sleeping in the same room. we don't talk for days at a time, and I daydream about starting a new life. but after is said and done I don't wasn't to break up my family... is there hope for us or should we just move on

  • A lonely sailor

    I have been married for 9 years and have two kids. Me and my wife have both cheated; I recently stopped all my cheating ways and came home. I have learned to love and appreciate my wife; she cheated recently and seems to lie a lot. I think the cheating part is done because it had a negative impact on her at work. She say she wants to work on the relationship but only tries to push what happened behind us. When I try to talk and tell her how bad it hurt ( daily) she becomes upset and says if we have to talk about it so much she can't do it. She killed the trust so I'm very watchful and catch her in little lies all the time. I know I have to give her room but in scared of being hurt again. I want to be married to my wife and hold my family together but I don't feel like she trying. Please help

  • losing all hope

    I'm confused on how this program will help me. I know my spouse is seeing someone else. He hasn't moved out but he spends about 3-4 nights a week with her instead of comming home. I've tried to talk to him. I've tried to get him to give us some time to spend together to reconnect. He won't even talk to me at all about his affair relationship. He won't tell me how involved he is with this woman. I can't get him to spend any time we me or to talk to me. We used to be so in love. We were inseperable. He told me over and over again how much "in love" with me he was. The only thing he will tell me is that he doesn't know if we can fix our relationship and he's not even sure if he wants to. I do see that he seems to be making an effort to communicate better with me so in that aspect he seems like he is trying to improve our relationship. I don't understand why he would be trying if he doesn't want to fix things between us. I also can't understand why he would not come home if he does want to fix things. I beleive he is going thru a mid life crisis to further complicate things. How do I get him to open up and talk to me?

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      Losing all hope,
      If your husband is going through a mid-life crisis, he may be confused about what he really wants. I would continue to build on your communication skills between the two of you, since that seems to be working. Here is a helpful video on how to improve communication.

  • KH

    my wife and have ben separated for over a month, the woman who once was so in love with me has ben so devastated and crushed as a result of my alcoholism, I am in recovery now after so many failed attempts, however there is so much emotional pain and mistrust on my wife's behalf I don't know if it will ever heal, along with the shame and guilt and genuine sorrow I have for the hurt I've caused. I don't know what to do or not to do, I love my wife very much and don't want a divorce, she sais she loves me but it is different, it has changed and she is not in love with me. do I hold on or let go, because I cant do both. I'm just don't know what to do.

  • Mirtha

    my husband has left and wants divorce but won't speak or talk to m what do i Do?

  • justin

    My wife and I had hit a rough patch in our marriage how can I save it

  • Marisa

    What can i do, if i have reconize my errors , apolize i have made changes and he doen't want to try I advice theraphy and he says im presuaring him, That im making it worse for trying to be someone im not
    Everything i do its bad for him he tells me he its not inlove with me no more he has no feelings for me . That are problem its always been the same one and it would slways be
    To leave him alone other wise he would leave . Right now we came to the agreetment that im leaving him alone and im not going to try
    We are just staying together for the kids .

  • just-another-lifeless-princess

    My parents are having serious issues. My father verbully abuses my mother now. But he says he loves her and wants to stay. My mom is scared to fight back so she keeps quiet and now has panic attacks. Whay should I do? They say they wanna stay together but act otherwise. I know my mom wants to stay but I really don't know about my dad

  • Brian Dudley

    This is hard for me to say, but my wife has said the spark is gone. She tells me that I am the best husband ever, but insists that we separate. She wants the two of us to date each other again, but also see other people. She showed me the kind of man she was seeking, and that body is something i cannot be. We went through the love language thing and I have been trying to change things, by showing her that I love her. What can I do to help improve things?

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      If the spark is gone in your relationship, there are ways to regain that spark that was once there! Touch is an easy way to reconnect. Please read this blog post for more information:

      • Brian Dudley

        Yes i would agree with that touch statement. However, touch is not her love language, but it is mine. Furthermore, she dislikes being touched. Thank you though. If you have any other thoughts, i would be willing to hear them.We had a discussion this mourning that led to myself becoming more independent, By telling her that i feel that I have value, and i would not wait for her forever to value me in that way again. But if she did that I may become polyamourous.. And i say that because we are so different, and i am unsure if total monogamy might never work for me again. She can never truly fulfill ALL my needs especially touch. That being said, I still love her. And if she can find me again I would love her all the same. However, she stated that she may become poly as well. Because it is possible that while she dates other men, just like i might with other women, she might fall in love. Which led to some deep discussions, but we both believe that she should be herself and that I should be myself. If that means that we fall in love with other people and even ( and this thought was hard to swallow but completely valid) that she and possible even I might want to have children and a family with our other partners. I know that is allot to say, but any suggestions on sparking ting back up, with all that in mind?

  • Karen

    My husband told me 3 days after our 27 yr anniversary he no longer wanted to be married. This took me totally by surprise. He threatens to move out every day but I beg him to stay. He has stayed just because of my begging but he is not putting any effort into our marriage and still wants a divorce. In fact demands that I see an attorney to get this over with. I reek of desperation.
    I do know he is chatting with one or more online but don't know that he is that involved with anyone....yet.
    I'm devastated and am about to be fired from my job as I am unable to function. My life is falling apart.
    I so badly want to save our marriage but do I continue to beg him to
    stay or just let him move out? I'm afraid it will truly then be over if
    he moves out. But the way it is now it's not getting any better.

    • memo

      You need to pull yourself together. If he is ready to leave the relationship you begginh and pleading him to stay is only making it worse! If your like me you have even got on your hands and knees!!!! You are so much better than that. You need to walk away. Get yourself together! It is going to be hard hell I layed in the floor and cryed after 14 years of being together. But you know what I'm better. That feeling in my stomach is gone and the emotional roller coaster he put me on is gone. It only took me a week I feel for its gonna take you a month. Be YOU focus on YOU be proud of YOU! Do anything to take your mind off him. Clean the house from top to bottom (this only works if he's not there) Throw yourself into your work. Get yourself together before you can think about getting back together! May hod be with you.

      • mj

        Great advise.

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      I am so sorry your husband surprised you with this decision! I think you will be able to relate to this video, "What To Do When Your Spouse's Feelings Have Changed And You Feel Blindsided."

  • Jesse

    My wife of 8 years packed up and left with our 3 kids. She is currently 900 miles away in a different state. I want to the marriage to last and im sure she does to. But I need to make changes in my life to be a better husband and father. Ive told her many times to move out that I didnt care. But in reality I did. I was afraid of the truth that our marriage was in a toxic state. So I need some advice on improving my marriage from 900 miles away

  • Adan Valles

    My wife tried telling me over and over again that she wasn't feeling loves and that I need to cherish her and I didn't. I tried everyone and then but usually felt shot down so I got upset and treated her bad. And now she says she's done and has no feelings for me. I need to save my marriage. I'm the only one that wants to make it work. I need to make it work. I've changed and I've seen her side of almost everything. I'll do anything for my wife. Plz help me. My name is Adan

  • sammy

    My wife and i are currently separated due to lies,excessive argument,and trust issues we have been married two years in September and have a beautiful two year old daughter I dont want it to end but I have been shut out and what part that has not been shut out is getting pushed away every day. She is several years younger than me. I am stressed and depressed and afraid ive lost the one I love more than words can express is there any help for us? The down fall is that she is stubborn as I am and spoiled by her family please give some advise divorce is the last thing I want

  • sammy

    I have been looking around thru different things and picked wild flowers and surprised her with them yesterday morning and just me stopping by for five mins to.see my baby and give her the flowers.and shut down again.on
    E and got mad and said.that im everywhere she looks?wen I hadn't seen her in two days She told me we back from friendship.but I wouldn have friends that treat me like she does......... im sorry for bothering so much I just need help and am afraid that I have pushed away too far by now because her conversation calls for her to keep her face covered and saying the same thing when I ask if the family is important enough or our baby is important enough to work for a happy life for all three of us. All she says is I cant give that answer rite now and covers her face am I trying too hard or what? Im desperate for help please reply

  • Vince

    Hi, my wife moved out of our home and is committed ti filing legal separation. I've asked her to consider exhausting resolution over dissolution. She told me no, I Southold would be served on Monday. I told her my attorney had dropped my seperation documents at the house earlier. She told me to have them served to her the next day. I did that but Also expressed to her this is not a happy day for anyone.

    She called me and asked me if I knew what was in the document she received, I said yes. She said she was sick to her stomach and was going to spend the day in bed. I had invited her to join the kids And I on an event we had planned today and she declined.

    I don't understand. She told me she was serving me her papers on Monday. When I mentioned to her that I had my papers Already she said to serve her. I do not want Anything to do with a dissolution, I really love my wife and I miss her. Somehow I want to connect with her. We need each other and we complete each other when we are together. I really miss being with my spouse. What can I do?

  • Vince

    Or relationship separation deals with needing much improved communication skills and not Any other issues of someone cheating or Any issue that would destroy a marriage.

  • sonia

    My husband and I are separated, its been about 4 wks. We have very little to no communication through email or phone and are about 4 wks from divorce being final. We were married 20 years and he had a breaking straw moment and doesn't want to try. Is there anything you can recommend for me to say or do at this point.

  • charlie

    My husband and I have been together for 13 yrs married almost 11 yrs. We have four wonderful kids together. I had lied him about certain things,which i do regret for doing so. I had an affair and now going to have the other mans baby. I didn't think I could have any more children but I am happy about being pregnant. After all this my husband still loves me and wants me. We both felt like our marriage was over for three years but he never wanted to give up. My feelings for him has changed before the affair, I was shutting him out never wanting to be intimate with him, I just wanted to be friends. I did file for divorce but I have mixed feelings. I think we could work on things but I also have feelings for the other guy. I keep thinking we could work this out but I would still think about the other man. I am so confused with my feelings I don't know what to do.

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      Charlie - If your husband aware the child is not his? You need to be upfront and honest with him first. Honestly, it's his decision to make before yours. If he is willing to work on the marriage, then you need to decide. It's not fair to him to take all of the choices away after your infidelity.

  • addam j cobb sr

    My wife and I are split up after she was caught cheating. She just up and left one day while I was Workin and left our sons at home her phone and was gone. She has since come back but is staying in our rv. She says she is trying but it feels more like she is just here to see if I am doing whatever. We talk a little more but to her it's all my fault and she don't know if she wants to work it out or not. This limbo crap is driving me crazy. I need some ideas or help plzzzz.

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      Addam - tell her how you feel. Since you two are at odds right now, how about in a letter? Tell her what drew you to her and why you love her. If she is willing to try to make it work, try going through our system or finding someone to talk to. Here is some advice that may help -

  • sad lady

    my husband is having an affair and wants to be with her and talk to her all time.
    I pour out my heart to him, but he does not know if wants to try and make it. What should I do

  • Sue

    Hi My husband just left after 27 years and I hadn't seen it coming. He now lives in his own house and I just found out he has been seeing another woman 20 years younger than him. He left on 7th February. He asked for space and I gave it to him. He told me he thought about me all the time and wouldn't forget me and now I find out he is with someone else. He is adamant he has moved on and that I should too. The problem is I still love him and really believe that we should be together. Am I just deluded?

  • Matt

    My wife refuses to do anything to fix our marriage. She is checked out and feels she cannot trust me. I have OCD and associated control issues that have made me difficult to work with. The good news is that I have found effective treatment and therapy for it.

    How can I get my wife to check back in? She says the problem is all me.

  • John Bennett

    I wish I new exactly how to say the things I need to say. lets start with this. me and my wife have been married for 6 years and together for almost 8, we have 2 beautiful children together. Right now we are separated and I'm living in the house while she stays at her moms, she wants me out by Friday 6/13. We have had problems in the past caused by me, abuse, infidelity, lying, not paying attention to my kids or her, not being intimate, and the list goes on. Last week I made the mistake of telling her mom that if I couldn't have her (my wife) than I had no reason for living, so I told her goodbye. I'm not suicidal by any means, I just used it as a last try effort to get her back, and it failed badly. She has told me that she has given up on me and our marriage. I have a appointment next Tuesday to see a psychiatrist and get myself some help. I love her more than words can describe and I know I have been a terrible husband and father. I started going to church because she is religious and has been trying to get me to go for years, I attended the church she went to and she is probably going to stop going to it now. She can't stand even looking at me now. We have set up visitation with my kids and the amount of child support I'm going to give her. In my heart I feel the marriage is over forever but my gut and head tell me I need to keep trying to win her back. I need some advise on what to do. Is my marriage over or can I fix it. I know I will have to do all the work to fix it and I'm completely willing to do that. I just need some advise, Please. Thank You

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      Hi, John - I think your marriage as it is needs to end. You both need to recommit to each other to start fresh. Not necessarily divorce, but agree that things are not good for either of you as they were. I'm happy to hear you are getting the help you need. Regardless of the marriage, you need it for yourself and I hope that shows your wife that you are committed to her and your family.

  • Tami

    My husband just dropped on me 25 days ago that he has been unhappy in our marriage since we married. We have 2 kids, 8 and 4, and 2 homes. I just quit my job last year to stay home with our kids. I have been the happiest in my life over the past year. We haven't started marriage counseling due to a family vacation that was planned. I have started personal counseling to show him I want to make this work. He is my soul mate and I love him deeply. He has already called a lawyer. Is there any hope for us?


    Hi, I have been married for 13 years, me and my husband got married very young at 19 and 20. We have had problems over the years big and small and I thought we always got through them and were always on the same page. but about 3 years ago my husband stared talking about what we would be like if we weren't together I guess we were arguing a lot but I didn't think it was any more than usual. Anyway he became very distant from me and I pulled him up on it and he told me that he didn't want the relationship as it was anymore, he wanted changes and wanted us to work down the line. I was devastated and completely unprepared we argued and made up, broke up got back together this went on for a while then in November 2012 we ended (but still living together) We was meant to take the time apart to revaluate ourselves and I guess be better people for each other and for our children. but none of it made sense to me, if he wanted to be with me then be with me. so I just continually tried to get us back together in a panicked irrational way. he went away last year and had time to think and when he got back we got back together, but within a day we were arguing and continued to argue for months until I finally said that I can't do this and things have to change. You see the thing is, is that because he left me i am so paranoid about anything i see as a threat to the relationship, Even when we were separated before he never met with any women. But because he has a lot of female friends i find it very difficult to trust that he won't go off with someone. How can i have more confidence in a relationship that has been shattered I feel like I need to take control of everything otherwise it will fall apart but all that is doing is making me look phsyco and has made it fall apart! Irony!

  • JJ

    I have been married for nearly 20 years, for the most part good. I love my husband but really don't know what to do. When we first got together and starting living together as the wedding got closer he got cold feet and saw someone else briefly, I found out and gave him the choice and he decided he didn't want to lose me. We married, had two kids and then 5 years ago I found out he was texting someone, he lied to me and said he had been seeing someone else and wanted a trial separation as he wasn't happy. At this point our intimacy was sporadic to say the least. In the end it turned out he wasn't seeing someone but had had an accident in his car and was panicking that he would lose his licence. The texts were all to a friend of ours and she quite happily showed them to me. Why he lied and let me believe he was being unfaithful I will never know. Now I have found a text on his phone and again he has lied to me and said it was someone he was seeing and again wanted a trial separation. It isn't another woman as I called them. Why does he keep saying it is when it isn't? I know my husband likes to gamble on the horses mainly but so far this has not been an issue money wise but now I have found another mobile phone and he has been using it to call tipster lines only now he has given the number to someone else and I don't know who or why? if he was only using it for horses then he wouldn't need to give the number out! I love him and don't want to get divorced but why does he need to be so secretive and lie all the time? do I confront him about the other phone or just let it lie, if I confront him will he ask for a divorce cos that would break me!!

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      Hi, JJ - That is definitely odd behavior and it sounds like you both need to talk about. I would think the last thing he would wants is for you to think he's cheating! Talk to him about it and perhaps you both can go to couple's counseling and figure out the root of this issue. Also, I think this may have some good advice for you -

  • Robin

    I have been married for almost 32 years and 6 kids and have been through a lot but I think my husband is bipolar and I have tried to get him help but no one will help. We are seeing a Psychologist but it is not helping and life has been a torture for me and the children for a long time.

  • kn

    Dr. Dana,

    My marriage is in crisis. My wife told me on Tuesday that she's not in love with me anymore, that "we have drifted apart", that she doesn't trust me (though I've never been unfaithful), and a list of other negatives in me. We are scheduled to see her psychiatrist, whom she's been going to for 2 years, who also speciliazes in family therapy as a first towards marriage counseling. She's completely checked out of our relationship, doesn't want me to tell her I love her or show any affection toward her (holding her hand, giving her a hug, etc...) because she believes it feels "artificial". After 14 years of being together, she's frustrated, tired, and says it's too late "because I'll never change". A lot more details to the back story. I need help to save our marriage. Thank you.

  • Lee McGhee

    Hello Dr. Dana, my name is Lee and I am married for 5 yrs now but my wife ask me to leave the house(separation) because she told me if I didn't leave she was. Her complaints was our financial situation she says all those years we been married I wasn't there for her financially because I had a hard time finding a job but now i have one. She also spoke about me staying in the room all the time and not coming out in the living room with her and her daughter; but she always told me that you wanted her space and that I was smothering her. We have a dog together he's name is Prince and we got him when he was 3 months old and now he's 3 years. I help raised him up and he's my world, my life, and my heart and I'm greatly attached to him and I was trying to get her to see that and I feel that she is keeping me from seeing him. Prince is my son and I would do anything for him(he's a pekinese chow mix). So with that being said, I have to admit that I did something stupid because I wanted to be with him and back in his life, I called the landlord to ask if I can move back in the house. The landlord first told me yes until my wife spoke to him and he changed his mind. I didn't mean to put the landlord in the middle of our situation, but my emotions and feelings for Prince was running high and I wanted to be back in his life and didn't want to lose him because he loves me too. So I went to her job and ask for the keys back and she said no. I didn't realize that I made the wrong decision because of my love for Prince. I want to work out our marriage because I really care about her as well. But she filed dissolution papers but I don't want this; I want her back and to do whatever I can do to mend fences and make things right. She says she don't want this and she is done. I never disrespected her, hit her, or cheated on her at all. So Dr. Dana, how can I get her to change her mind about leaving me and working on our marriage because I don't want to sign the papers I want my marriage again. I know I lost her trust by not using my head by going behind her back to get back into the house but like I said, my emotions and strong feelings I have for Prince clouded my judgement and I made the wrong decision. Please help me Dr. to get my marriage back I tried prayer everything; nothing is working. If I can't have my marriage and Prince back then my life is not worth living. I'm 45 and she 46. Please help Dr. and yes I did beg and pleaded with her.

    Lee MCGhee
    Elyria OH 44035

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      Hi Lee,
      It sounds like your dog is more important than your wife and your daughter. I think you need to show her that they are more important to you than Prince, and if they aren't, you should think about why you are wanting to save this marriage.

      • Lee McGhee

        Prince is not more important than my wife but when I told her that I want to try and work out our marriage with her; she said she don't want to and she filed a dissolution which I'm not signing because according to the bible the only time you suppose to divorce your spouse is infidelity and that is not the case in our marriage. But you also don't understand I help raise Prince when he was 3 months old and he got attached to me as I of him; he's my son as far as I'm concern. I do want to work on our marriage but she doesn't so what am I supposed to do...???

        • Mike_Olsen_SMN

          Hi Lee,

          I think all of us can understand your attachment to your dog, most of us are pet owners. But right now your attachment to your dog is causing you to make ill judgements in regards to your wife. You may not put him first, but does she see that? Our latest post is about getting your wife to listen. Perhaps it will help you speak to her.

          • Lee McGhee


            She won't speak to me right now she's too angry with me right now plus now that(don't know for sure because I'm not signing it) dissolution papers she have it makes it even harder to speak to her. I been praying trying to get God to somehow bring us together so we can talk so I can let her know that I wasn't not trying to put Prince first but noone knows the closest, the strong bond and bond we both have for each other and i just pray to God that Prince never forgets me and that he will still loves me and that will never change because that will just crush my world and end my life as I know it.

          • Mike_Olsen_SMN

            Hi Lee,
            I think it would be best in your found someone in your community you could reach out and discuss this with. Best of luck to both of you.

  • Chris M.

    Hello. My wife and I were married in 1999, dating from 1991. In 2002 she had an affair because she said she got attention from someone else. Upon finding out, I wanted a divorce. She said she would stop seeing him and we separated, but she stayed with him. When I found out, I confronted her, and she attempted suicide for what she said was the thought of losing me. We went to some counseling. The therapist was not good, all sessions ended in fighting and blaming. We decided to give it another try. 2 years ago, my brother's girlfriend left him for another man. This stirred up emotion in me, and I found my wife had a hidden email account and had been searching for this guy on Facebook. She denied it all and said she was just curious as to what happened to him. I let it go. Then, about 2 weeks ago, I started with anxiety and noticed she wasn't interested in me anymore. I have never had anxiety, that I recall, but had problems sleeping, loss of appetite, digestive issues. I tried to hide them from her. I KNEW she wasn't betraying me, but just overwhelmed with her online training, the kids, a volatile situation with her parents, so I chalked it up to stress. After 23 years of being together, she told me the spark was gone, she still "loved me", but wasn't "IN love with me". Not that it made it better. She also told me she noticed my anxiety and assumed it was from our past again, although I tried to hide it. This led to confrontation, stubbornness and we both said extremely damaging things. Past aside, she is a great wife and mother. I want it to work. She is the pessimist. I have been trying. What can I do to win her back? She is emotionally exhausted. Thanks for listening.

  • Andrea

    My husband of nearly 30 years left home 8months ago after 4 unhappy years. Previously we were very happy. During that time he made a life away from our family involving work from which I have been excluded, had an emotional affair which is now over, and has told very many lies, which he says he is not doing now. We are getting on really well as friends but he finds it hard to discuss difficult things. He says he doesn't want a divorce but doesn't know if he ever will want to be in a relationship again as he is enjoying being single and being responsible only for himself. He has a functional relationship with one of our children and a dysfunctional one with the other, based on honesty issues. He has shunned nearly all of our mutual friends too. I am fully committed to our marriage and have worked extensively on my part of what went wrong with us, including watching the Strong Marriage Now system and the checked out partner, is it time to call it quits and surviving an affair series. What should I do and how long should I hang on?

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      That is up to you. You've seen theses things. You're applying them. If he doesn't want a divorce but he doesn't want back with you, he is leaving you and your children in limbo with no father/husband and you are unable to move on. If he is not willing to work towards a life together, you may be better as friends.

  • Dan

    My wife and i have been together since 2011in high school. I had problems in my past losing my little brother in a drowning accident and never really got therapy when i was young. We got engaged,had a fight and broke it off. Once i got over her she showed up crying for me to take her back. She joined the army to help with her self confidence that she had been having. Her parents hated that and disowned her around the time my mom died from cancer. She supported me through that. She felt insecure about her looks and wanted to do nude modeling, even though i hated it i was there with her to support her. She supported me while i earned my high school diploma too. Later we got married, her parents accepted us and we enjoyed our honeymoon together. After coming home we found out we were having a baby. 9months later our little angel was born. Throughout our relationship i played my Xbox all the time, ever since my brother died. I think it was an isolation thing i developed, anyways i had anger and hate problems towards anybody. Road rage, negative judgement and irritation over the little things like coming home and the house being a mess. The baby would have a chaotic tantrum that raised my anger and stress so high that even knowing she doesn't know better i would throw the notice against the wall. Few months ago i lost my job and couldn't find another one,even McDonald's said no and we were worried financially. I got angry one night and with an anxiety attack i yelled at my wife telling her to go have sex with my best friend. I trusted her but not him. She left me that day saying she couldn't take it anymore. 2days later before she had to go to annual training for the army we went out to see a movie and discussed that we both would better ourselves and get back together, no divorce. She left and everything changed. She would post pictures and statuses on Facebook about how she misses our baby and having the best dad in the world for fathers day but nothing about me. I did get a text saying happy fathers day but nothing more. She found out that my sister was watching our baby with a friend while i worked and called them and yelled at them and later called me saying they fought. I called my family, made them apologize out of desperation to get her back and realized that i shouldnt have been a door mat taking her side when she was at fault, i called my wife and told her that i didn't deserve the neglection on Facebook and she should have talked to me to handle the babysitting issue. I got a mean text the next day her saying that she wants a divorce. She came home early without telling me to talk to her friend about it which her friend told me she would tell her how bad it is on her child. Next day we talk while having lunch and me being emotional and reading a poem about us didn't help. She said she needed the divorce to get out of the army and that we could be friends. 2day later her and her family pick up the rest of her things and she said she stil loved me, but no promises of it lasting. I'm going to therapy now to help myself while she currently ignores me unless we talk about our baby. Not even the divorce papers she said if i had questions i would see them on the paperwork. I feel that she is running from our problems and neglected that she isn't keeping her commitment we made to each other on our wedding day through better or for worse. I'm broken hearted, i want a whole family without the problems and i love her so so so much but i don't understand why she thinks it's just me. She won't see a marriage counselor or therapist she just wants to be away from me. I want her back and i want counseling together with her because i know it will help but i don't know where to go from here. please help

  • Wolf

    I been married for almost 5 years and my wife just told me that she had enough of my mouth on how i bring up the past and how she thinks i have an issue with her ex husband that comes around to pick their dauther up. Well we have two kids of our own and i still love my wife and i know she loves me back but she got tired of my mouth and remarks. So she is set on devorcing me. Do you think there is a chance to turn it around if i show her i can be better in those things? Also the issue is she dont open up to me and so she keeps me wondering what is going on which then i start guessing and before you know it we are not talking. What can i do about it. Right now she seems depressed as i do. Ihave told her i will better and stuff but she dont want to hear it she dont care anymore she is done. What can i do?

  • Rolando Ruiz

    Me and my wife have tried everything to make it work she's given up and just pushes me away we have two children and I don't want to lose my family I try my hardest to be a good person but seems like I always fail need help don't want to lose the love of my life 🙁

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      Hi, Rolando - I think you said you solution yourself. You need help. It's okay to admit that we need some help. Perhaps you can talk to your doctor or a therapist, and that will also show your wife that you are serious about saving your marriage. There is still hope even if your spouse has one foot out the door -

  • Tayra

    Hello doc Dana I feel like my husband fell out of love for me he never wants to spend time with me he never compliments me anymore he ignores my calls goes out leaves me with the kids one weekend I decided to go out have fun with my cousins drink dance make new guy friends and I told him about it to be spiteful I was hurting I'm crying out because he says he lives me but he doesn't trust me unless I do a lie detector test what do I do??? Our son just got diagnosed with a disease and he needs us both our relationship is now getting a little better he calls me everyday and I told him I would be glad to do a lie detector test because I know I never had sex with no man or kissed founded kiss no man since I been with him I live my husband I'm just crying out for love what do I do

  • sandy

    I'm a stay at home wife. My husband is going though something right now. We have been married for 24 years now. Some thing is happening. He tells me all the time he loves me. But he won't have anything to do with me. I've tried dress sexier and tried to get him in the mood, but it just don't work. And I'm getting to feel like why try nothings going to happen. I feel like it's my fault, but when I ask he just says it's not me it is him. I don't know how get him to talk about. I love him.

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      Hi Sandy - is it possible he is going through a mid-life crisis or dealing with depression?

      • sandy

        It could be. I don't know how to talk to him. I'm just getting frustrated. and I've caught him watching porn. I get so upset and I tell him I'm right, that don't work. so that's where I think he don't want me anymore. Then I think he's having affair. I just don't know.

        • Mike_Olsen_SMN

          Hi Sandy - Porn is a touchy subject for many marriages. It's extremely common for men, and does not automatically mean he is rejecting you. Maybe he is wanting someone more, but isn't sure how to ask. Here is some advice on communication, but there may be a few more articles that will help as well:

  • shonda

    If husband and wife are not currently living together, and husband is with another women can the marriage be save.

  • summer

    my husbands lost his faith in us we let others think for us and now where so far apart he wants to file how do I make up for running ?

    summary :we were long distance met online. he joined the military came to see me for the first time before he went to boot camp. I had cheated on him two month before he saw me he forgave me and again week before he called to ask for my hand (I thought he was just cat-fishing me ) turned out he really liked me I felt bad cause I was wishy washy before I cheated and now I was a cheater he asked me to marry him after 7 months of dating we got married july 4 2014 that day his best friend told my mother in law that my husband was gay and I wasn't a good person my husband didn't try anymore ater we got married I felt ( i'm 21 he's 25) I supported him the whole way and then I moved to texas to be closer too him ended up living with his parents (3 hours away from him) who where just like who is this girl and why are they rushing it was all over there face I don't blame them. I tried finding work it was hard it was summer time college and high school kids took every job. (small town) I didn't drive cause i'm afraid of cars but I studied and plan too. I was promised that I would live with his parents for a month ( witch is why I agreed) turned into two I started to feel trapped everytime I asked for answers he couldn't tell me I started giving attitude and fights began to be all we did. I didn't know what it was like to be a navy wifre since we rushed I had no one to run to all my friends thought I was stupid and or crazy and I needed a supportive positive person so I can see where could fix this I couldn't so I kept it in kind we fought but if I said certain thing hed run to him mother and or get really hurt so I started not saying anything then he started believing I never loved him just wanted a free ride his mom told me I should just go home my brother in law said that she told him she thinks hes gay on 21st bday since I told her all my worries I agreed and then told matt he asked why I decided to go he thought I was just being wishy washy not hes being told by his mom she never said that the whole fsmily is saying im making up stories he believes them since ive wronged him before in the past his friend says he never said about him being gay anything and I was trying to ruin our friend ship matts mom is the one who told me he said it
    I asked him why he wont try he said I wronged him to much and everyone says im trouble cause I cheated and lied and ran away home I also posted our problems on fb because I was hoping someone could help me so now plp see me as trouble I asked him if he still loves me he said idk anymore .. I said he should make up his own mind he married me for a reason and yes we fought but I never left and I threatened divorce when fights got bad but never turned my bad on him he said the past makes him think marrying me was a mistake I want this to work how do I show him I wasn't leaving him I was leaving the drama and going home to clear my head I told him this but he said he doesn't know if he can trust me

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      Hi Summer - It sounds like you both need to step back and evaluate what you want from your marriage. Don't discuss your problems with his parents, or all over Facebook. Talk to one trusted friend. Find someone whose marriage you want yours to be like. Use them as a mentor.

      • summer

        okay thank you 🙂

  • Jerome

    My wife and I have recently separated, but my situation has unique circumstances that I feel are the underline issues to why we can't seem to get on the same page. My wife and I lived together prior to getting married. She had a son from a previous relationship that was autistic as well as an assortment of other mental issues. This created several challenges in the relationship. She was unemployed for several years in our relationship, and suffered from insecurity and self esteem issues, in which I contributed to having to deal with her child, along with abandonment from previous relationships for several years. I kept thinking if throughout the entire relationship. If she get a job that would help her feel better about herself, if we got the assistance with her son, she would be able to live her life, and if we got married that would let her know I'm in it for the long haul and would not abandon her. We got married and within a few months she started displaying aggressive rages directed towards me. She secured employment and things got a bit better, but shortly after that I found out she had contacted a former lover of hers. I confronted her with this fact and the shame and disappointment led her to attempting to commit suicide the very next day. After dealing with this I made a renewed commitment to save our marriage despite finding out she was diagnosed with suffering from major depression. Things went well for a few months and she seem to really try but her behavior towards me became more violent. She became verbally abusive, physically abusive and displayed more deep emotional issues. She was on medication and had stop going to therapy. Eventually she moved out for 1 year explaining that she did so to save her married with me by working on self and my not having to deal with her son's constant behaviors. After 1 year we moved back together, she had secured a decent job gotten placement for her son in a facility and things seemed to be going in the right direction. After a few months I started noticing her drinking more, almost daily, and if we got into a disagreement she would turn it into a full fledge argument, especially if I expressed my feelings on things. Every time this happen she would leave either for a few hours or a few days. I found myself becoming more frustrated and resentful. I didn't like what I was seeing in her and dealing with because of her, but I stilled deeply loved her. About 2 months ago, we had an argument and she left once again for about 2 weeks, and when she returned I was tired of this in and out up and down stuff. We got in a very emotionally charged argument that began with me expressing to her that I truly loved her and wanted our married to work but it could not work under the current circumstances. At this point and time I had to resolve the fact that my wife had either BPD or NPD or a combination of the two. It became so explosive that I told her to I could no longer deal with the things I had dealt any longer. The verbal and physical abuse the belittling me, and the leaving every time we get into a disagreement, and I let my frustration get the best of me and told her to leave and physically resorted to removing her things. In the course of this she tried to prevent me and became a pushing match, her pushing me attempting to prevent me from removing her things me pushing her to get to her things. It was clear that this was not going the way I intended it to by expressing the hurt that I experienced in this relationship. I realized that this was gong to become physical and I called the cops. To make this long story shorter, she concocted a story by telling the authorizes that I physically abused her and pushed her down the stairs. The only reason I was taken to jail the cops didn't believe all she reported happened and the fact I called the cops first and she had nothing physically indicating she had been thrown down a flight of stairs. After all this my wife filed a restraining order against me, and I had to go to court. I was legally advised to state the prior physical and verbal abuse that I had dealt with, the martial indiscretions on her part, the suicide attempts, proving that she had psychiatric issue, and all this can be substantiated by family including hers, and friends. The day of the court preceding's I could not go through with it. I didn't contest it, because I felt that had I exposed those fact just to exonerate my self that would push her over the edge possibly leading her to suicide. Right now I'm battling the fact that I know it seems impossible to preserve this marriage, and have been questioned by several folks including some of her folks why would I want to preserve my marriage to her. I even question my mental state of mind by wanting my marriage to her, but the fact is she is a lovely person, caring, and have many attributes I look for in a mate. When she's not having emotional and mental episodes we get along. My question is can this marriage be saved, and should it knowing that there may be physiological issues and past traumas that appear to be the underlining issues?

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      Hi Jerome - We can't advocate staying in a relationship with an abusive spouse. It doesn't matter that she is a woman. She needs some professional help, and after all you have been through, you might too. There is nothing wrong or shameful with looking out for yourself. I understand you wanting to protect her, but that isn't helping her.

  • Diane

    This all sounds great, but when he left, he was our bread winner...the income went with him. I can't afford $300, or even $29/mo. I really want it but I have to think about filing for bankruptcy. Guess I won't be able to advantage of your wonderful offer. He left, and doesn't look like he's coming back. We're going to do a conference call, but things look dim. (I too am looking for a miracle).

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      Hi Diane - Most communities have resources for those who can't afford then. You can also look for couple's therapy from a pastor, or even just advice from a trusted friend. I hope you find your miracle, and please look through the advice on our blog.

  • beachmonkey

    What about step children? My step daughter is a daddy's girl and pouts and causes problems. She wants attention by saying phrases like "i am no good daddy" or "i wish i was someone else" when he scoulds Her and then hugs her even though it should have been a punishment for talking back rudely to me or her father or ignoring an instruction. She is quite sarcastic. He never punishes her. The drama is killing our relationship! She has gone to doctors for headaches that extensive testing they have found nothing. After 6 + months of this the headaches will suddenly disappear. Then there will be stomach aches which again after tests and tests doctors find nothing. I do love her but as she gets older it is getting worse and scares me.
    She wants to leave her mothers for good and only live with us because she is causing problems there too and calling and telling her dad they were being mean to her. I get along great with her alone unless her father is around and she does this hurtful attitude to get out of chores etc. She is now is 12. She is causing so many arguments between us and she seems to enjoy this. When we have dinner together she will turn and face only him which again nothing caused her to do this other than to start something again. My older children wont even come around anymore because the drama she creates when they are around. I have told my husband that she needs emotional help but that just causes more arguments. What do I do?

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      Hi Beach -

      Having a stepmom is hard for a girl, especially if Dad is a pushover. It sounds like you two need a meting to set up ground rules for her, and Dad has to agree on backing you up. If you lay down a punishment, and he has a problem with it, you two discuss it in private on what could be done the next time. If you two agree that her attitude will get her grounded, the Dad needs to be the one to ground her 50% of the time.

  • lynn

    My husband is having affair. He does not know that I know he is. Should I tell him that I know he is having a affair?

  • Walter Wilson

    Please help me I lost my job and have been looking for a new one and my wife and I had to move in with my parents things when't fine for a while and one day she and my mom got in to a fight she called my mom a fucking bitch over and over and stuck her finger in her face and my mom snapped and slapped her I couldn't get in the middle of the fight without physically hurting one or both of them and so she took it as me taking my moms side then she gave me an ultimatum that sounded like one thing but she really was implying something else now she says she doesn't know if she wants to be with me any more and that I am out of chances I was scared to take the leap se was asking me to make and now I fear I have lost her for ever I don't want the great relationship that we have had for the last 5 years and marriage of 2 years to end please help me save all that I love

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      Hi Walter - It sounds like the three of you need to sit down and have a heart to heart and address the source of tension between the two of them. Your mom is her mother too now, and they need to be able to talk to each other. Living with parents is hard enough, but doing it with the tension of lost wages makes it worse.

  • Sue

    Just celebrated my 21 Anniversary. I won't pull the plug I meant my vows, but somewhere I became the enemy... and when asking why I'm always met with "I don't know"... so sad and so incredibly frustrating...

  • jeff

    I have been married to my wife for 15 years and been with her for 20 , we separated 3 months ago.She wants to end our marriage,she told me but I don't want it to end we have a 10 year old son together that I love so much. She has told me that I haven't been there for her and my son for the past 9 years it's like she has raised him by herself I don't totally agree with that.She also has told me that they have been walking on egg shells around me being scared with my anger I have never touched then and never will I have apologized for my actions.I have since started going to counciling, church, and spending a lot of quality time with our soI have done everything wrong up to this point not giving her time&space.and asking her to give us another chance, etc every week, I was so confused how to go about trying to save our marriage.I don't want out marriage to end I love them both so much , I don't know where to turn now as far as I know there has not been any divorce papers filed yet....please help.

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      Hi Jeff - I think it's good you are recognizing the role you played. It's going to take time to heal the trust between you and your wife, and you and your son. You don't have to be physical to scare someone with your anger. Keep up with the counseling and quality time to show her this isn't just a phase. Understand that her anger will not heal overnight.

  • Missing Jen

    My wife attempted suicide in August. I thought everything was going well. In October she moved out. We hardly ever had a disagreement. We have known each other more than 35 years. She was my very first "real" girlfriend. I don't know what to do! This separation is literally killing me. I've lost 40 pounds in a month.

  • Wanda Doingherownthingnow John

    It all sounds good but what if he won't even communicate with you and has found another woman then what. I love this man to death and it hurts me to my core. I just want to give up on living he keeps talking about a divorce but when I showed him the papers he left them on the table and tells me he will have his money soon. He won't even give me an address to put on the papers he tells me to use mine.

  • Hope

    ok so i have been with my husband for .32 years and we are having some major issues. I don't know what to do to save our marriage anymore. I used to be a part of every aspect of his life and now he shuts me out. He blames me for being a control freak but yet he is the one trying to telling me what to do. He goes to a friends house all the time at this location is a person whom i do not trust at all but he tells me that he is over there visiting someone else which can be true but Being shut out of things now leads me to question him (a trust issue.) He tells me that he loves me but yet actions he does and things he says lead me to question even more When I ask him if he is still in love with me he says he believes he is what the hell does that mean i believe as i look at things either you are or you aren't. He tells me he still wants to be with me but we are both tired of some bs from each other. I know that we have always been able to work through things now all of a sudden we are hitting a brick wall. I do not know what to do and I love my husband with every inch of my heart can anyone help with suggestions

  • Im Almost Lost

    My problem is my wife never wants to do anything with me. When ever she is free and we are at home together the only thing she wants to do is watch the ID channel, read something on her iPad and text her siblings (so she says). We have been married for 3 years and she NEVER wants to have sex. We waited for marriage before having sex and now I have to beg to have sex with her. Today is December 23 2014 and we haven't had sex since August 17 2014 (yes I do keep a record of when we have sex). The worst part about everything is I have already completed the divorce papers. I tried to think about the best time to give it to her but before I did, she told me that she is pregnant. What should I do now. Im 32 and I just want a woman that wants to be with me. I really do not know if I love her any more. I no longer feel comfortable touching her, I'm afraid to ask her any questions and we haven't really kissed each other since our honeymoon. How in the world am I supposed to think that things will get better in the future.
    The Lost Man

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      It sounds like you both need to see a therapist. Find a common ground between you both to connect on. Women won't want sex if they don't feel connected to you. What is something you both enjoy that you can do together? Plan a date night in advance, and woo her.

  • LoveisPatient

    My husband of 11 years walked out on our family on our anniversary. It is all so fresh, we have been together for about 15 years. He keeps telling me it is over, he is done he has seen an attorney which prompt me to get one. I love my husband we been through more than most have. He has had multiple affairs, has a 2 year old daughter with another woman. I stood by him through all of this. Yes I do truly love him, he now is all about his "girlfriend". He says it is too late to seek counseling, he is done, has been done. The night before he left we slept together in the same bed cuddled up together. It all makes NO sense to me. Before he walked out we kissed passionately. I just saw him after he had a visit with our daughter whom is 3. (We have 5 children together 13, which we gave up for adoption, 10, 5 yo twins & 3yo) She wasn't comfortable with him alone I could tell, but I let them have their time. When he was done with visit I asked if we could talk. He agreed, we talked whole heartily, he had tears I had tears, he keep saying he was done, I tried to hold his hand he pulled back and refused I accepted that, I tried again later and he held my hand. The man I love loves me I know this, this other woman is pushing him to do things he is not ready for. Before he left I asked him to look at me I caught his gaze, took my chance and leaned in for a kiss I didn't kiss him I put my nose on his nose and he kissed me. I was so happy to see our love and so was our daughter. " he" (not sure it is him or gf or if she is provoking him to say stuff because she is jealous of our love) I wont let go of the man I love & our family. GOD is great. (Praying this marriage will work out for the better) Girlfriends he has had are all temporary and he comes back to the one that has this heart.

  • Kim

    I have been married for almost twenty years and me and my husband have been fighting the whole time. Neither of us claim to want a divorce but we never do anything to help ourselves. I just found out that he went behind my back and told my parents and his mother everything that I have done wrong throughout are marriage starting in 1993. He didn't list any of his faults, of course. He made me start going to individual counseling in September but he claims not to need it himself. It is embarrassing and degrading to have all of your personal matters put out there for everyone to see. He even went to a member of our church and told him all this stuff, not all of which is true. He is impatient and condescending and has a bad temper. He doesn't see it. I have issues but this to me has crossed the line. Even if we do stay together and manage to work things out I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him. Will I have to be careful of what I say for the rest of my life because he might use it against me? I think his mother and him want me put into a mental institution which is so ridiculous. I am so confused, if he doesn't want a divorce, what does he want? When I asked him what he wanted he said, "a new marriage." I feel so stuck and don't know what to do.

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      Kim - You both definitely need to go to counseling together. What does you therapist think? If they are helping you became a better person and figure out your marriage, you need a new one. Create a new marriage with your husband. Start over again. Maybe even have a ceremony. Recognize each other for the people you are now.

  • sara

    I've been married 25 years and my husband has never just said he loves me he's never just came up behind me and kissed me ...we haven't kiss in years I have never had a back rub from him a foot massage nothing I'm a touchy person so yes I do this for him.I can usually take this I have pretty thick skin but sometimes I get so loney it hard when I try to talk to him about it he's like your not happy go I don't what to go I want someone to show me love affection I need someone on my team I feel like his always so distance from me I have no one can you please tell me where to go from here

  • judy

    even though I want to divorce how can a find love for a man that i cant trust and a man that doesnt support his wife

  • don

    can some one tell me how to stop a divorce after the petition for divorce has been filed?

  • Patricia Cummings

    how can I trust my husband after two years of him treated me horribly and he blames me for everything that goes wrong?

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      Hi Patricia, if the relationship is abusive, I'm not going to advise you to stay. However, if you think your husband is suffering from depression, or a midlife crisis, and you want to help him through, here is some advice -

  • Jennifer

    My husband left on mothers day with no warning at all. In fact he has always says we had a good relationship. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong until a month later. His response is that I never did anything or wanted to do anything. He said he should of never felt single when he was married. He has taken his wedding ring off after 2 weeks of being gone and just will not communicate with me at all. He is very mean talking to me when I do try to communicate with him. We just closed on a house this last Friday. Im so confused. This is not like him at all. He kept saying to give him time but would not talk to me able the problem. Now I feel I have pushed him further away and he has changed his phone number off our plan. Is taking all his pay checks and getting a new bank account and everything. The other day he said he is DONE and I said are you saying you want a divorce and he said right now it seems that is what I want. What do I do to restore our marriage? HELP!!!

    • Jennifer

      I also forgot to include I have been dealing with back issues for 4 yrs. now and have had some depression from it. I have been seeking medical assistance for the issue and just trying what I can. He has had to pick up more slack. Is that a reason to abandon your marriage though?

  • Christy

    I want my husband to truly love me again. Over 5 years ago, after a few surgeries I had, I accidently became addicted to pain killers. I told my husband and he helped me through the process of getting off of them. I thought everything was fine but now he says that he wants a divorce after 15 years and 3 kids later. I am so confused. He said that he doesn't want to have a sick wife that might become addicted to medicine again. I was recently diagnosed with Lupus and some other major things as well, including chronic pain from the lupus. BUT I don't take anything higher than tramadol so that way I won't become addicted to anything major. I also have seizures so I can't do all of the things that I used to be able to do and he said that isn't what he signed up for. He wants the same wife that he married over a decade ago and that is just impossible. How can I get him to change his mind. He is the love of my life and I want to still be his. He has a recovering alcoholic mother and I have heard her say that if I don't join a 12 step program that I will end up an addict from my meds... I am scared to lose him and he said that he is going to file very soon. He already took off his ring, and he emptied our accounts and hid the money. I have no income. I am trying to get on disability and it is taking a while. Can you help me?

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      Hi Christy, it sounds like he has some issues to work on himself. You are not giving him a reason to believe you would relapse, and he agreed to support you- for better or for worse. If he is willing, I would look into couple's counseling, and perhaps solo sessions for you both as well. He may still be dealing with the effects of his mother.

  • Jack

    I want to save my marriage of 16 years to the best lady I've ever known. She wants a divorce and she's been talking to a new guy. The last 4 days we have the best heart to heart talks but i think I maybe pushing her away. I know i have done somethings wrong and want to fix it. I had back surgery 3 years ago and my l3 l4 and l5 nerves are dead and my left leg goes completely numb I can't completely support my family we have 4 beautiful kids I am completely afraid and don't want to lose the love of my life and I'm still deeply in love with her and don't know why after she's hurt me is there any hope for this marriage?

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      Hi Jack, figure out exactly why she wants to leave, and see what you two can do together to fix it. If you can't work, can you get disability? Can you hold a desk job, or help more with housework? Saving your marriage isn't easy, but if you work, you can do it.

      • Jack

        I have been trying to get disability but no luck yet dr will not let me work at all i have tried to ask her why and she will not answer me I'm the only one who really wants to save this marriage right now I started to do a ton more housework more spending quality time with her and my kids more open hearted conversations with her finding out the things I did wrong to our marriage and I'm trying my hardest to fix it maybe time will tell I'm just looking for some help in any way possible I can

        • Mike_Olsen_SMN

          Hi Jack, as they say, Rome wasn't built in a day. It took time for your wife to feel this way, and it will take time for her to understand that your efforts are not just a phase as well.

  • Steve

    I've beem married for amost 3 years. My wife and I are both widows. After my wife passed away. I found information that proved she cheated on me. I traveled a lot, had a lot of responsibility. I gave her everything material but looking back I was not emotionally available.

    Unfortunately I entered my new marriage with unresolved anger about what last wife did a resorted to spying on my new wife.

    What has made me insecure is that I found along the way that my current still talks on the phone to a man she dated before me.And I know that she recently had lunch with him. I have asked to stop talking to him because I actually confronted him and a very ugly exchange ensued.

    Im trying to learn how to trust her, but the rage that I feel toward this other man literally drives me crazy. She actually is a good woman who takes care of the house, handles our business and always comes home on time. Shes an anchor for her family and is the one that everyone relies on. My role is that I have been the one who takes care of her. We found a good marriage therapist and are attending regular sessions. Any other suggestions?

  • John Skipper

    My wife and I were married in 2010, she a British citizen and I a US citizen. She had to return to the UK and when I applied for a visa to go there to be with her I was denied, after a time she caught me flirting with someone else online and wanted to end it,we are still married legally to this day and I would like to reconcile things end be with her again but I don't know what to do or how to start she won't talk to me is there any advice out there that you have for me?

  • Morley Williams

    I need help my wife & I are not together and I'm hurting I want to save my marriage

  • Morley Williams

    Hi my wife & I are not together and it's killing me she said I don't treat her good any more. And o told her I think she don't appreciate Me . Pls help

  • Brittney Turner

    I bought the strong marriage now system yesterday and my husband agreed to work on it as well. . he is 41 and I am 28.. He already moved out and had started paying on this house that his parents own before telling me his plan.. I have been telling him I am unhappy and we have to do something or i will have to file for divorce. Let me briefly explain. . we married in October 11th, 2013 and have lived together on and off for 4 years before I put my heart on the line and told him I wanted a family/marriage and not just a boyfriend. So, we got married and his family dislikes me.. To say the least.. His mother especially. She has her own issues to resolve. I stay respectful and always tell my husband to spend time with them. I model and they are southern Baptist and disapprove of my decisions. My husband wants to please his family and does not put me first. He's never been married and I have from age 18 to 22. We don't know how to be married and I am the only one taking responsibility and have tried everything. I offered to pay for counseling. But he said no.. And when my baby clock began ticking loudly before I mentioned counseling. . he would agree to try to get pregnant but then after my procedure to test myself.. Which was painful.. He told me he changed his mind and reserves the right to do so whenever he wants. That and already having problems prompted me to seek counsel from 3 divorce attorneys. I haven't filed and am at my own personal end. This is it. I sleep well at night because I know I'm doing all I can to fix my marriage. He IS NOT THOUGH! He is living in that house across town and has zero pictures of me or us up.. Its like he's living his own life and I am living at our apartment paying everything alone.. He asks me for money and I pay for food if we go through the drive thrust.. He visits 2 times per week and yes his agreed to do the program but he lies to me all of the time... Please!! I desperately need your help. I'm willing to do anything to just be happy .. With or without him. I want at least 1 child and he says he doesn't know if he will want one or not.. That is a deal breaker for me.. And we discussed this before we got married! Should I even try? Do we need to see someone in person? A session with you? He may even be dishonest then.. I have no idea what to do at this point and I don't know if your system is right for our situation but I bought it as a last resort to save my marriage. I can't. Change my husband.. I can only work on myself which I do .. What do you suggest? ??
    Thank you,
    From a desperate sad heart

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      Hi Brittany, I think it's a good idea you work through the program together. Work on it even alone if you have to. There are many issues you both need to address and this will help. It may also be beneficial for you both to see a marriage counselor, or even you to go alone to help you talk things through.

      • Brittney Turner

        Thank you for your reply. Do you recommend us both seeing a marriage counselor? I am at my end with trying and I'm doing everything I can do. . He has strung me along for 6 years. I am not innocent, and have made bad choices as well. Modeling and posing for a fine art shoot that I was paid very well for... but my husband had asked me not to pose in certain ways, remember he and his family are closed minded and old fashioned they say. We all did have a good relationship at one point in time but me modeling and their reaction to it made our relationship change. I didn't work a regular job, but that has all changed on my end. I cleaned and am still cleaning ON my side. My problem is, is that I feel hopeless when it comes to trusting him when he says he will work on this. I wonder every day if I am going to spend the rest of my life like this.. giving up my desperate need to be a mother and never receiving the attention from my partner that I need.. just to stay with him. Does that make sense? I'm scared and I am unsure of how to approach him to suggest that we see a counselor after he's agreed to do this program (which only God knows if he really will) so that he doesn't have to go in front of a stranger to discuss our issues. How should I ask him to go now and when is it the appropriate time to bring it up? I've dealt with let down after let down, and he probably feels somewhat the same thing. . Fear. I appreciate your help! !

        • Mike_Olsen_SMN

          Hi Brittney, Perhaps you can work through our system right now, and see a counselor yourself, and see what they recommend.

  • Carrie

    I have been with my husband for 10years, 1 of those years married. We dated for a while. A week ago he told me he had fallen out of love with me. He was pained and having a hard time because he said he had fallen out of love before we were married. He said he had broken a promise not only to me but also to God. He had severe anxiety. We slept in different rooms and agreed to not talk about it until he got help with forgivness with a pastor. After we met with the pastor. He said he had been forgiven and I had turned my heart fully over to God that night as well. I pray every day for it to be God's will. After that night he said he still felt numb. But he would work on us. That lasted 1 day. We had a good night and went to eat but later that night we got in a fight and harsh words were said by both. We both left the house and are staying at our parents house. He swears there is no toher and he is still very much attracted to me and cares alot even loves but not in love. He wants to be civil and move on with a divorce but I can't give up that easy. I would most definately have to do this all by myself, is it possible?

  • joyce


    My husband Ronald and I are having problems right now and he's very very upset with me and he wants to leave me. I told him coming into the start of our relationship that separation and divorce will never be an option for us because I am Christian. He is not Christian and he believes in divorce.

    Please pray for mutual forgiveness and healing in our marriage and please pray for his heart to soften towards Jesus. I constantly pray that he start a relationship with Jesus and I pray that he will accept Jesus as his Lord and Savior. I pray for his salvation.

    Please pray that we both will have tactful tongues and discerning minds to think before we speak, to not spew out hurtful words or cuss each other or call each other names. Please pray for the restoration of respect, love, and trust in our marriage.

    I know my husband loves me and I love him and I believe God put us together for a reason and purpose and allowed us to be married to draw us closer to Him.

    Please pray for our marriage. I love this man unconditionally and will do everything that I can to get back to when we were good with each other.

    Thank you.

  • Andy James

    Thank Dr ehimen for restoring back my marriage after 2years of separation finally my husband is back home is back home with the power of the great spell caster Dr ehimen who has play a very vital part in my life to make me happy now i am full of joy and happiness been with my family again, for more information and help contact him via:

  • D.j.

    I been married to my wife for 17 yrs we have 4 kids together we fallen apart.from each other .3 yrs ago we did we went to marriage counseling but I didn't finish it I wish I did.2 years ago i got lonely and cheated the worst thing I could ever did I was sad becouse I knew I hurt my kids for cheating on them and there mom my kids doesn't know what I did .My wife at the point she wants out. Yes I know I have failed but I'm not giving up on my marriage I want to fix it and she doesn't oh I don't know what to do anymore.

  • Jennifer

    My husband left and said he needed space because we're not happy we fight more than I like and now he won't talk to me it's been almost 2 month and he refuses to say one work what do I do.

  • Nick Knutson

    I'm a younger married guy! My wife and I are going thru a dark/rough part of our young marriage. We have only been married for 1.5 years and its been rough for about a year now. I'm massively in love with her but she doesn't feel the same. She doesn't want to feel like she has to ask permission to go out or be responsible for others feelings if she choices to do something. Im struggling Cause we agreed to not ever divorce cause i'm 100% against divorce. that was the only way i was getting married.
    When I met her it was the happiest day of my life. She already had two kids and was EVerything I wanted but now that to her doesn't seem to matter. I'm trying to win her back and I feel she has such a high stubbornness to her i cant get thru. I need help! I need to save my marriage for my sake and our kids sake. Her feelings matter but I cant respect them because I love her and know I'm the one.

    • Trave' Land

      After 19 days I hope you got an answer but if not I know there are answers available if only you are willing to seek them out. is an additional starting point and there I know they are willing to help.

  • Jerel Mosley

    IHi my name is Jerel and I had a affair On my wife but ended up having a child out of it and now I've changed my ways and still working on myself but most of all trying to fight for for my marriage with everything in me but she wants out and I'm the only one that's trying to make it work it was at a point were we was sleeping in separate Bedrooms for about 5 mouths and now it has gotten so bad to were I've moved out I really need help on fixing my marriage I'm not financiallybaby Able to do a lot but just really need help I don't know what to do or where to trun so please I really need the help

  • kristi

    My wife wants a divorce we try but I do not want to sign and I beg and it did not work I sat there crying she told me to move on. I do not want to

  • jociejo

    I have been married 27 years, my last child left last year for college, it has been hard, my husband has looked at porn of and on for years, which has been a problem, kinda expensive also. 3 months ago he changed jobs at almost 50, an hour drive away and night shift. We have no time together because he works 7, 12 hour shifts, what the he'll, this should be our fun time. Oh well, now I find escort numbers on phone bill. I'm tired of always turning the other cheek. I'm almost 50, and have always wondered why people divorce after you have made it through raising children. What would you do, I'm so exhausted with it all

  • Ben Mullins

    My wife and I have been together a little over 8 years now. As of this coming June, we'll have been married for 6 years. We've been riding in this rocky boat for a majority of our marriage. I was 23 when we started dating, she was 30. I had a hard time accepting how simple she was and over complicated everything. I felt the need to argue every minuscule thing. I HAD to win. She began to withdraw as these things got worse. Over the last few years, I've promised I'd change and things would get better. I promised I'd be more attentive and aware of myself and her feelings. Things go well for a bit, then fall off. This has been on repeat for years. Last night she said that she wanted to file for divorce. Didn't want to hear about how I could change things because she's heard them all before. To her defense, she has. Each time I've promised to be better, I believed that I could, but I couldn't make it last.

    My wife is rock. She's only human being in this world that I trust with my life and my heart. I'm happy to see her when we get home from work. She says that she's not at all looking forward to seeing me. I'm at a loss. I don't feel like I can reel her back in. Thoughts?

    • Emily

      I'm sorry I don't really have an answer for you, I'm actually fearful I will be driven to what your wife has been to...I'm hoping maybe you will have one for me though. My husband is this same way. It is very hard for me to argue , I hate it. I feel like yes it is sometimes necessary but arguing doesn't have to be over everything and it is not a matter of score. He gets so frustrated over the silliest things and continues to try to argue in circles even if I have already tried to calm him down or apologized. I feel like I try so many different ways to approach it and remedy it but nothing works. He still doesn't let go of things. I hate seeing him unhappy but I don't know what else to do. He always apologizes after we argue and promises he will try to not get so frustrated and even that he'd go to counseling for it but it doesn't matter he doesn't keep his promises,never got help, and I'm afraid that one day I will not care if he is sorry or not and that I will so tired and hurt that it won't matter..I recently tried getting to his level thinking maybe if I do argue back and get just as mad it would work but all three times I tried it just ended with him still mad and me crying in frustration. I feel almost like he is pushing me away, but I know he loves me he shows me in many other ways but the arguing is exhausting and hurtful I love him and do not want things to getti the point where I am numb to his words and nothing is left. Can you please help me? do you have any idea what may have helped you to stop? Any suggestions at all?

      • Ben Mullins

        Honestly, my wife telling me that she wants a divorce and was so dead set in it was by the far the best thing that has happened to me. I started thinking less selfishly. Less entitled. I was genuinely concerned about how she felt and what drove her there. I took control of myself. I first had to understand that it's not all about me. Sometimes I have to sacrifice a bit of myself for the overall common good.
        So, I slowed myself down. If I could just pretend that some things didn't bother me, I could buy some time to think before reacting. Starting consistent has been key for me too. Accepting my role in our marriage. My wife has since decided against divorce and we're moving past it. My goal now is to win every day. One day at a time. Over the past few weeks, my wife has gradually warmed up. We're having fun again, enjoying each other's company. We're not being intimate right now. I haven't hugged or kissed my wife in a month. I haven't heard the words 'I love you" nor have I said them to her. I want to hold her, hug her, kiss her and tell her how much I love her, in the worst way! But I know it took years for get to get where she is, and it'll take time to get her out of it too. Honestly Emily, your husband needs to get the right mindset. He needs to see exactly how much some of these things hurt you. Otherwise, he'll assume that he can apologize his way out of it. Don't try to match his mindset, you'll only hurt yourself even more. Find a way to show him how serious it is. I'm telling you, my wife being so serious about divorce scared me into evaluating myself as a husband, father and all around person. It also gave me the opportunity to sit back and see if I felt I was acting alone, or if she played a big role in our issues as well.
        Once I started implementing change, it got easier by the day. It gets tough sometimes, but one of my flaws is how impatient I am. So I step back, take a breathe, and just appreciate my opportunity to build a stronger marriage and take full advantage of it. I hope this helps

      • Ben Mullins

        I'm happy to show some visibility to my process to help you maybe understand how it may help your husband. If he's anything like me, he seriously needs to be scared straight. BUT, he also needs to think about how hard it was for you to get to that point of 'no return' and he needs to accept your feelings.
        Once I accepted that I couldn't change my wife's mind by telling her that I am going to make things right, things turned around. Focusing on myself made things better for us.
        I cherish my wife and our family and the last thing I want to do is cause that kind of pain again. If your husband is able to set his own feelings and opinions aside, he'll be able to see that about you as well.

        Feel free to email me and I'd be more than happy to lend an ear, or eyes in this case 🙂

  • Denise Armour

    yes me and my husband has been marriage for 5yr now we have never stay in the same household over a month. because he always find something to argue about. and sometime it give so out of hand i has to tell him to leave. i am a christian and so is he, i was about to file for my divorce just can't keep taken his means behaviors . what shall i do.

  • mary olwen

    Hello everyone, My name is Mary Olwen from Ohio,USA. I came to this site to share the good works of the online spell caster who reunited me with my husband and we are happily married now. I never believed in love, money spells or magic until i met this powerful spell caster when i went to Africa in December last year on a business trip. He is really powerful and he can help you cast spells to bring back your lover even when he or she is gone,

    well, the man i wanted to marry left me 2 weeks before our wedding day and my life was miserable because our relationship has been on for years ..I really loved him, but his ex fiancee was against us and she used vodoo to distract him and make him hate me. But when i met this spell caster Dr Michael Best, i narrated my ordeal to him and he assured me of reconciliation once i get back to the states. and right now we are happily married and expecting our little kid, and my husband now loves me more than he did before. Should you need his help you can reach him via the email below : ..........................thank you