Spending Time Together as a “Man” and a “Woman”

Happy senior couple on the beach

Do you feel disconnected from your spouse?  Do you feel as if you are a “husband” or a “wife,” a “mother” or “father,” but somewhere along the way you stopped being just a “man” or a “woman?” Have you started looking at your spouse as a roommate and not as a lover? Do you even know who you’re married to anymore?  Well, according to Dr. Dana, get ready to find out!

Spending Time Together Is Essential

When we’re married, we spend a lot of time together as husband and wife with friends and family, paying bills, taking care of the home, interacting as a couple.  We also spend a great deal of time as individuals in our separate jobs with separate interests.  Many of us spend a lot of our time as a mom and a dad, playing with the kids, enjoying family outings.  But most of us spend very little time as a “man” and a “woman” together. 

This is often at the root of many of the complaints that bring couples to therapy: “We just don’t feel connected anymore,” or “He doesn’t pay enough attention to me,” or “She’s always mad at me,” or “We aren’t having enough sex.”  When I hear these complaints, I know for a fact that these things are happening, in large part, because among their priorities, spending time alone together as a man and a woman is usually last on their list.

It’s All Easier When You Have Regular Dates

I have worked with many couples and I’ve asked them to do many things to save their marriages.  Yet, I have noted that it is easier to get people to sell their homes or quit their jobs than it is to get them to go on a regular date as a couple!

Schedule at least 8 Hours Per Week of Time Alone Together

Today, I am asking you to get out your calendars and schedule at least 8 hours per week of Time Alone Together with your spouse.  Do it!

To learn more about Spending Time Together as a Man and a Woman using our online videos and downloadable exercises, check out our StrongMarriageNow System.Best marriage advice: Have you recognized the importance of Spending Time Together Alone as a Man and a Woman in your relationship?  How has it helped?  Please comment below.

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cortland darling 11 years ago

Ive continued to read your your advice everytime you send it out. it seem like your watching my relationship with my wife of 13 yrs. Ive seen the errors of my actions and have tried to apply them in saving my marriage. But being unemployed and no work in the near future and a economy that is pretty out of control its hard to make it happen. we live apart because of job hunting so time together is months between. Just over whelmed and frustrated. I love my wife and daughter and know they deserve better from me. She needs a husband more than a provider. but i fall back into the same mistakes from the past so easily. Your articles are a blessing to me. I keep working at making the right changes that will make our marriage better and a happy family again.

haitham n 11 years ago

If there is no connection it's really hard to even suggest spending time together. Your advice seems that things are somewhat bad or rocky and spending time and talking will solve it..well. if talking and spending time together worked I won't be reading this site!! Is there anything that I or may be we are missing.. I appreciate your advice. But it's. Not for people that their relationship or marriage on the brink of separation or divorce! ! You say do this and that but in reality it is not possibleel even if we tried it's not going to be fruitful or positive. I tried it....It's. Not working may I 'm doing wrong. But sometimes it is best to cut your loses and move on because I'm becoming to realize it's. Not worth it

lovelost- 11 years ago

I agree with haitham. I am at that same point in our relationship where I don't really even want to spend time with him. I don't want to make love either. I do think we just grew apart. It really stinks because I have a wonderful 4 year old boy. I don't want to hurt him at all, but I also don't want to live misreable. I'm 45 years old. You only live once. I need to think about me too. RIGHT?

Fight4YourMarriage 11 years ago

I disagree with you and Haitham. My ex and I tried to reconcile after our divorce and our first couple conversations were the most awkward uncomfortable things I've ever experienced! It would have been so much easier for me to just walk away and give up, especially since we were ALREADY divorced! But instead we went to marriage counselling, I read everything I could get my hands on and tried to put what I was learning into practice and our once bitter and loveless relationship grew to one of mutual respect and understanding. I wish I could tell you that we are now living happily ever after, but the truth is, there is no such thing! We are constantly working through disagreements, hurt, not wanting to do things we know we should, but I refuse to give up hope that we can learn to have the relationship of both of our dreams! Don't underestimate the effect that "cutting your losses" will have on your son either. We have 2 children who were 2 and 4 when my husband first left, and they have been very affected despite our best efforts to make the transition easy on them. Your heart will break into a million pieces when your child does not want to leave you but your custody agreement says that they must spend time with their father. I have unwound fingers from around my neck and passed over a screaming child with tears in my eyes, and I don't wish that on anyone. Your child deserves to have a mother AND a father in his life everyday. Love your son enough to make the effort for your family. You will ALL be happier for it. Love is ultimately a choice, and one that you need to make every day of your life. Choose to learn how to love your husband the way that he wants to be loved (ask him what you can do to please him), and in turn, he won't be able to resist loving you back. Don't give up! The more you put into your marriage, the more you will get out of it! ~Rooting for you!~