Do you feel your sex life is unsatisfactory? Is the romance gone from your marriage?  Do you want more physical intimacy and closeness? Do you want more or better sex?  Is there more that you want, but you don’t know what to say or how to say it to your partner?

It’s Critical To Talk To Each Other About Sex

I’ve mentioned this before, but I will say it again - nothing can significantly improve unless couples are communicating.  I cannot emphasize enough how important it is that couples talk to each other about sex. I’ve actually noted a strange phenomenon that occurs with many couples where they actually become more shy with each other over the years and find it incredibly difficult to talk about this very personal and intimate subject.  They find it easier to do it, then to speak about it!  But they must talk about it. Couples often report to me that after spending several sessions discussing their fears and fantasies with each other, they are, in fact, amazed at how receptive their partner is.  And that's how it should be.

Our spouse should be the one person on the planet that we feel safe exploring anything with. And at the risk of repeating myself from  previous articles, ...this takes time alone together.

Don't wait to talk about sex till you're in the bedroom.  In fact, it’s almost always a bad idea to talk about sexual concerns while you're in the bedroom.  That doesn’t mean that you can’t provide encouraging suggestions now and again, you just want to avoid the heavy stuff while you’re in the moment.

Wherever you are able to talk about it, however, it's imperative that you have many open and loving conversations about sex where you take what that other person says at face value.  In other words, don't see your partner's sex life through your eyes.  If she tells you, “I need dinner and a date before I really feel like the sex is about me,” believe her.  And if he says, “I don't feel like making love when you've just spent the last 20 minutes telling me how I can be better in this relationship,” believe him.  Many couples get frustrated in the therapy process because they report that they've repeatedly told their partner certain things over the years but, because their partners didn't feel the same way, they were never taken seriously.

To learn more about how to have more (and better!) sex using our online videos and downloadable exercises, check out our StrongMarriageNow System.

Better sex: Are you having issues in your sex life?  How can we help? Please comment below.

Check Out Our Video: How To Regain the Love, Rekindle Passion and Save Your Marriage

Dr. Dana Fillmore and Amy Barnhart, co-Founders,

  • Cristina

    I love your suggestions, I wish i could afford the program to save my marrige but I just simply dont have the money to buy it 🙁 I have a question, my husband said to me that he want me to make him fall in love with me again because he dosent feel the same. And he dosent want to have sex because he just dosent feel like it, what can i do to make him want to have sex?

    • the.mounts

      First off, stop the negative talk. He needs to feel like he is king of his castle. Even if it's because his "queen" is holding down the fort. You two are a pair, and partners in this world. So stop treating him like a honey dew list and pick a time of the week to just get it all out. Then shut up and start building him up by letting him know you appreciate him. "hey stud, how was your day?" (kiss) would turn any man on. Pick a project and let him help you with it. Change the oil together or check it with him...then change his oil.... Let down your defenses and if he fires back a negative just take it. He puts up with your sh t all the time so just take one for the relationship and let him get it out of his system. You probably earned what ever he says even if you don't feel it's justified. To him it is. Totally submit to him and then give him some pleasure. Stop counting the cards and just enjoy the relationship. So what if he gets some enjoyment out of it. He will be in a better mood and easier for you to make request to. But don't "bitch" to him. Respect him and let him know why you need or want what you want, but don't use a tone that indicates you "expect" Always vindicate your opinion with facts that support your statement. Men use logic. and if you BS doesn't add up or hold any water logically....rethink your idea.

      • beekeepermom

        No the kiss does NOT turn mine on. Take it when he is ugly to us because we probably deserved it. But don't bitch at in other words, be his doormat. Nothing to enjoy when he tells you he wishes you were dead, does not communicate in any fashion, doesn't answer or initiate texts/emails unless he needs something, works 6 days a week and is always "too tired" for sex, even when I go to bed early with him--at HIS request. No time together. Not really much to appreciate, is there?

      • suz

        I am in a relationship and I offer to let him feel like a king and I

        go without but he still does not try to help me with anything.

        Just how much should a wife sacrifice to please her husband?

        He only see's me when he wants sex. We have never been to

        dinner. He talks to his friends with his problems in out relationship

        but not to me.

  • beekeepermom

    I have tried all your suggestions, have your program (husband bought it and refuses to do it), try to get it out and he tells me to shut up, tells me he wishes I were dead, lies, so I should make him king of his castle? What am I? The wench?

  • Laura

    What do you do when your husband doesn't want sex anymore and says its not me his wife ?

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      Hi Laura, if he thinks the problem is him, then first I would ask him to go to his doctor and rule out anything medical. Then work on the connect and support of each other. Perhaps counseling, or just honest conversation to see what may help.

  • Kay

    What if I am afraid to have sex with my husband? Married 37yrs and I found items that he was cheating on me. Me too blame b/c I didn't want sex (hit memopause) so he was looking elsewhere. We have an avoidance relationship - never talk. We separated but decided to try and work on marriage(still no sex and little talk). Well I came to find out I have an std,now there is no way I want him touching me. Where do I go from here? Me Here for family, economics, bitty him (no real friends)and I am a nice person. Me 64 him 70.

  • Kay

    Real mess. Any suggestions welcome

  • bilbo

    what do if wife don't want to talk about what she wants

  • bilbo

    all I know is im kinda sad about are sex life

  • Bruce Lampkins

    My wife saids that sex is not important in a marriage just knowning jesus will get you thru np nothing in the marriage just church