She Blames Me For Her Affair

Couples Affair

“When I found out my wife was having an affair, I was completely devastated. When she said it was my fault, it hurt even worse.”

Mac M.

Few things are more hurtful than discovering your spouse has been unfaithful, but this pain is made even worse when the blame is pointed toward you – the one who didn’t do the cheating.

Surprisingly, though, this is quite common, and when left unaddressed, it creates a rift between couples that is extremely difficult to resolve.

To the person who has been cheated on, the element of “blame” feels simple. The person who was unfaithful is clearly at fault – after all, they made the choice to follow through with the affair.

To participate in any kind of infidelity – an ongoing, secret relationship, a one-time fling, even an emotional affair – an individual person has to make a series of choices, following through with actions they know are inappropriate.

A person having an affair knows that it hurts their spouse, but they continue anyway. If we’re placing blame, they are the obvious culprit, right?

As hard as it might be to accept, things aren’t always quite so simple…

There’s more to placing “blame” than we see on the surface.

Let’s back up for a moment. While affairs come in many shapes and sizes, there’s a common cause at the root of almost all of them, and it all boils down to unmet needs.

This idea of unmet needs is precisely why a cheater might try to point fingers back at their spouse, with common rationalizations like:

  • “He actually listens to me. It feels like he really cares, like he understands me in a way my husband doesn’t.”
  • “The way he looks at me makes me feel attractive. My husband seems like he doesn’t even want sex anymore.”
  • “My husband pushed me away.”
  • “My husband doesn’t even want to spend time with me. He ignores me even when we’re in the same room.”

Does any of this sound familiar?

While these kinds of statements certainly don’t (and shouldn’t) absolve the guilt of having an affair, it does begin to raise some questions about what led to the environment in the marriage that made them consider infidelity in the first place.

Affairs happen because couples become disconnected emotionally, physically, or both – and that’s something that you BOTH allow to happen.

The longer the problems go unaddressed, the further apart you drift, and when one person begins to seek connection in other places, that’s when affairs happen.

So, a much more realistic view for placing “blame” in the event of an affair is to blame the state of the marriage itself – whatever the dynamic was that left one or both of you feeling neglected.

Again, this DOES NOT remove blame from the person who cheated, and it doesn’t minimize the pain you’re going through because of it. It also doesn’t put the whole burden on your shoulders. You can’t be blamed for your spouse’s decisions…

The point, however, is to make you understand that affairs are not as simple as you blaming the cheater for their hurtful and inconsiderate actions, and the unfaithful spouse can’t just push off the blame by pointing fingers.

The only way to move past the affair and rebuild the marriage is to recognize the parts you both played. Most of this will be well before any affair happened – it’s the gradual disconnection that happens when you aren’t both invested in the relationship.

It’s never going to be a cut and dry case of “who did what” because marriages and love are more nuanced than that.

It could be the tiniest things like a decline in your sex life… that leads to less affectionate interaction outside the bedroom… which leads to less time spent together actually communicating… and so on.

In most cases, we don’t realize how far along the problems are until something extreme like an affair snaps us into the severity of the situation.

Trying to determine “fault” is, in many ways, beside the point. If you want to get the marriage on track, worry less about blame and more about the problems between the two of you that allowed things to get this bad.

Be honest with each other. What’s missing? What needs to change?

Identify the problems honestly – including your own role in causing them – and get to work on fixing them together.

You can both readily admit your shortcomings (again, the person who cheated IS at fault for making such hurtful decisions), and worry more about how to develop the habits and actions that are going to strengthen your relationship – not drive you apart.

If you can understand that the overall climate of the relationship is something you both contribute to in an ongoing way, you can start to shape it into the marriage you’ve always wanted – with the person you’re already married to.

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For more advice on how to strengthen your marriage, check out the StrongMarriageNow System today!

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25 comments

Lidiya 7 years ago

I discovered that my husband was browsing escort sites on a trip to London, and his phone bills show that he called the escort service number 4-5 times. He was also carrying enough cash with him to afford paying for this. When I confronted him, he said that he never actually called anyone and was just fantasizing. He accuses me of regularly spying on him and making his life miserable. What should I do? Should I believe him?

Lidiya 7 years ago

I discovered that my husband was browsing escort sites on a trip to London, and his phone bills show that he called the escort service number 4-5 times. He was also carrying enough cash with him to afford paying for this. When I confronted him, he said that he never actually called anyone and was just fantasizing. He accuses me of regularly spying on him and making his life miserable. What should I do? Should I believe him?

Allen 7 years ago

My spouse suddenly started getting distant and acting different with me. I knew something was wrong. During the next 9 months, the distances only increased although I tried to put as much effort to try to get close to her. Apparently the only problem she had with me was that - I did not give her enough time and attention. She often said even though i was physically present, I was emotionally absent. She used to be fine some days but some days she used to act very weird. I'm wondering if she's cheating on me.

Allen 7 years ago

My spouse suddenly started getting distant and acting different with me. I knew something was wrong. During the next 9 months, the distances only increased although I tried to put as much effort to try to get close to her. Apparently the only problem she had with me was that - I did not give her enough time and attention. She often said even though i was physically present, I was emotionally absent. She used to be fine some days but some days she used to act very weird. I'm wondering if she's cheating on me.

Dianna 7 years ago

My partner (not legally married) of 25 years and just started using FB to communicate with people from his home town.(In Mexico and we live here in the US) I never thought thought there was any thing to worry about. He went on a 2 week trip back to Mexico to visit family etc. When he returned he seemed a little strange and distant but with time things seemed to be ok. 6 months later he said that he needed to go back to Mexico because his dad is very ill and he wanted to see him before he passes away. Once again he left for 2 weeks. To make a very long story short I found out that he is having a long distance affair with a woman in Mexico. He wants to try and work thing out with me but doesnt want to give up his relationship with this woman in Mexico. I don't want to give up on us, I'm trying to figure out why someone would want a relationship with someone they barley know and cant't see. We have 5 kids and one grandchild together. We have a long history together and I'm not willing to throw it all away. How do I make him to forget about her and give us a fair chance on making our marriage work?

Dianna 7 years ago

My partner (not legally married) of 25 years and just started using FB to communicate with people from his home town.(In Mexico and we live here in the US) I never thought thought there was any thing to worry about. He went on a 2 week trip back to Mexico to visit family etc. When he returned he seemed a little strange and distant but with time things seemed to be ok. 6 months later he said that he needed to go back to Mexico because his dad is very ill and he wanted to see him before he passes away. Once again he left for 2 weeks. To make a very long story short I found out that he is having a long distance affair with a woman in Mexico. He wants to try and work thing out with me but doesnt want to give up his relationship with this woman in Mexico. I don't want to give up on us, I'm trying to figure out why someone would want a relationship with someone they barley know and cant't see. We have 5 kids and one grandchild together. We have a long history together and I'm not willing to throw it all away. How do I make him to forget about her and give us a fair chance on making our marriage work?

Mike_Olsen_SMN 7 years ago

Hi Dianna, this is unfortunately common, but we have some advice to help" https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/ed-asks-my-wife-is-having-an-affair-and-she-wont-stop-seeing-him/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 7 years ago

Hi Dianna, this is unfortunately common, but we have some advice to help" https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/ed-asks-my-wife-is-having-an-affair-and-she-wont-stop-seeing-him/

Laura 7 years ago

I've been married for 15 years and have two young daughters. I found out my husband was having an affair over a month ago. It has been the worst thing I have ever gone through. My husband says he loves me dearly and will always be there for me, but isn't in love with me. Although the affair has stopped they still talk and I think it's so disrespectful to have the woman who had an affair with my husband still involved in my marriage in anyway. I feel like the only thing I have control over is how I react so I have kept my strength and dignity intact. For myself and my kids, but I don't want my marriage to fail. He's my best friend. Any advice?

Laura 7 years ago

I've been married for 15 years and have two young daughters. I found out my husband was having an affair over a month ago. It has been the worst thing I have ever gone through. My husband says he loves me dearly and will always be there for me, but isn't in love with me. Although the affair has stopped they still talk and I think it's so disrespectful to have the woman who had an affair with my husband still involved in my marriage in anyway. I feel like the only thing I have control over is how I react so I have kept my strength and dignity intact. For myself and my kids, but I don't want my marriage to fail. He's my best friend. Any advice?

Laura 7 years ago

Hey Allen I was feeling the same way and even though I kept noticing the signs because I never thought my husband could ever cheat on me I found out he was. So sometimes our intuition is correct. If your growing apart act now and find out whats really going on. For your sake I hope that an affair hasn't happend and you can fix things. I have a lot of regrets for not acting on my suspicions. Good luck.

Laura 7 years ago

Hey Allen I was feeling the same way and even though I kept noticing the signs because I never thought my husband could ever cheat on me I found out he was. So sometimes our intuition is correct. If your growing apart act now and find out whats really going on. For your sake I hope that an affair hasn't happend and you can fix things. I have a lot of regrets for not acting on my suspicions. Good luck.

Mike_Olsen_SMN 7 years ago

Hi Laura, Unfortunately this isn't uncommon, and he should stop speaking with her if he is serious about repairing your marriage. It's common to go through periods of growing in and our of love. He needs to know that it can be grown together again, if he is willing to work on it. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/7-steps-to-survive-an-affair/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 7 years ago

Hi Laura, Unfortunately this isn't uncommon, and he should stop speaking with her if he is serious about repairing your marriage. It's common to go through periods of growing in and our of love. He needs to know that it can be grown together again, if he is willing to work on it. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/7-steps-to-survive-an-affair/

ana 7 years ago

I got married one year ago, I got kids from a different relationships, 4 to be exact, I just find out he was cheating two weeks ago, I feel like I love him but I cant take that out of my mind, he expect me to act like nothing happened but i cant I ask him to to let me meet this "woman" because she know he is married. But he always make excuses for her. What should I do?? This demons are killing me, I dont want my children to grow up thinking is ok to cheat, But at the same time I want to save this marriage. Please help, What should i do>??

ana 7 years ago

I got married one year ago, I got kids from a different relationships, 4 to be exact, I just find out he was cheating two weeks ago, I feel like I love him but I cant take that out of my mind, he expect me to act like nothing happened but i cant I ask him to to let me meet this "woman" because she know he is married. But he always make excuses for her. What should I do?? This demons are killing me, I dont want my children to grow up thinking is ok to cheat, But at the same time I want to save this marriage. Please help, What should i do>??

Mike_Olsen_SMN 7 years ago

Hi Ana, you should have to pretend like it never happened. It wasn't your mistake. You both should talk about what led up to the affair together, how you can prevent it from happening again, and he should not have any contact with the other woman. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/much-detail-discuss-affair/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 7 years ago

Hi Ana, you should have to pretend like it never happened. It wasn't your mistake. You both should talk about what led up to the affair together, how you can prevent it from happening again, and he should not have any contact with the other woman. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/much-detail-discuss-affair/

alex 7 years ago

My husband is constantly on the phone with a "girl-friend" and has been talking to her when I'm not present. The conversation lasted about 5 hours on one day.... I confronted him and he said it is just a "friend". He knows it bothers me and for some reason he will not stop talking to her.... I feel threatened by this friendship and don't know what to do.... I am afraid it will escalate to something deeper.... The girl one time saw me and never acknowledged me which clearly indicates that she doesn't care about me just my husband.

alex 7 years ago

My husband is constantly on the phone with a "girl-friend" and has been talking to her when I'm not present. The conversation lasted about 5 hours on one day.... I confronted him and he said it is just a "friend". He knows it bothers me and for some reason he will not stop talking to her.... I feel threatened by this friendship and don't know what to do.... I am afraid it will escalate to something deeper.... The girl one time saw me and never acknowledged me which clearly indicates that she doesn't care about me just my husband.

Mike_Olsen_SMN 7 years ago

Hi Alex, we have some advice just for your situation. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/my-husband-chats-online-lady-trust-him-watch-dr-danas-answer/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 7 years ago

Hi Alex, we have some advice just for your situation. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/my-husband-chats-online-lady-trust-him-watch-dr-danas-answer/

Ben 7 years ago

Don't ask her. She will deny it. As painful as it may be, hold steady until you have almost irrefutable evidence. And even then don't be surprised if she still denies it. She will profer a medley of of excuses, and at the same time still deny anything happened. Moreover, she will blame you for something that she purportedly "didn't do". Don't misconstrue this advice. I'm not telling you to be sneaky or to catch her red handed. But, if there's no evidence, then repair of the marriage can never begin as the one who cheated (especially if a woman) will not readily admit to an affair. It is in the very nature of women to make certain that they have reliable arms to fall into prior to telling their husband that the marriage is over. Some people just cannot simply tell the truth. Part of that is because of guilt and another part is to protect your emotions. And finally another part is that they cannot come to terms with the side of them that committed the adultery. Without truth there is no trust. But contrary to what you may believe, or led to believe, you can still have a reasonably good marriage without trust. I know that sounds preposterous. But holding steady and withholding feelings of blame, you will eventually gain the respect of your wife. She may never tell you the truth, but you will see the pain in her eyes eventually and regardless of whether you ever know the truth, that's when the healing will begin.

Ben 7 years ago

Don't ask her. She will deny it. As painful as it may be, hold steady until you have almost irrefutable evidence. And even then don't be surprised if she still denies it. She will profer a medley of of excuses, and at the same time still deny anything happened. Moreover, she will blame you for something that she purportedly "didn't do". Don't misconstrue this advice. I'm not telling you to be sneaky or to catch her red handed. But, if there's no evidence, then repair of the marriage can never begin as the one who cheated (especially if a woman) will not readily admit to an affair. It is in the very nature of women to make certain that they have reliable arms to fall into prior to telling their husband that the marriage is over. Some people just cannot simply tell the truth. Part of that is because of guilt and another part is to protect your emotions. And finally another part is that they cannot come to terms with the side of them that committed the adultery. Without truth there is no trust. But contrary to what you may believe, or led to believe, you can still have a reasonably good marriage without trust. I know that sounds preposterous. But holding steady and withholding feelings of blame, you will eventually gain the respect of your wife. She may never tell you the truth, but you will see the pain in her eyes eventually and regardless of whether you ever know the truth, that's when the healing will begin.

Biana 2 years ago

I would rather to have never loved at all than to have ever known the pain of loss. To me, that is the worst pain in the world, I ended up in the hospital after tracking my ex's meeting location with the side chick a day before our wedding.Thanks to a cyber genius''hackingloop6@gm ail . c om',who hacked his phone and gained me remote access to all his phone activities and set a GPS location tracker on my phone that helped me locate their hotel room and caught him on the act.