We recently received a pretty tough question from one of our subscribers. She brought up a scenario that can cause lots of problems in any struggling marriage.
“My husband told me two week ago that he ‘loves me but is not in love with me.’ A few days after that, we had sex. A few days later he told me he regretted having sex because he is in a bad place and that the sex has misled me. How do I handle this?”Amanda C.
She basically is asking if having sex is ok when you’re separated (or talking of separation and being “out of love” is happening).
Is sleeping together ‘Ok’ to if you’re separated?
My immediate answer is No, you should NOT be having sex if you’re separated from your spouse.
Let me explain…
Having sex with your spouse is NOT simply a physical act. All sorts of emotional connections, memories, vulnerabilities, and other deeply felt sensations go along with the physical components. When separated feelings can get very confusing.
Amanda hit the nail on the head. Her husband felt regretful, and that the sex may have “misled” her. This type of sex absolutely sends mixed messages. Any time a spouse says they don’t ‘feel in love’, then has sex with that same spouse, it is always a huge mistake.
Separation is what you have chosen. You have to get a sense of what it means to not have your spouse in your life completely. Your underlying problems brought you to the point of separation. Acting on those loving feelings will prevent from resolving your real problems.
If you don’t address the emotional disconnection, the physical connection will be fleeting,
After the sex, a false sense of “reconnection” may set it in. It will break. Eventually, one (or both) of you will feel confused and dissatisfied. Soon your old patterns will emerge and you’ll be back to square zero.
Familiarity and physical attraction make sex very tempting. I urge you to resist having any sexual relationship. Until willing to deal with the real problems you face as a couple, the sex is just a distraction.
It may feel good (or even great) in that moment, but without addressing the other issues, you’re setting yourself up for more; confusion, emotional pain and stress.
Separation Done Right
In this short 5 minute video Dr. Dana answers a question from Mark about whether or not a separation can work and how to do it RIGHT.