Marriage Counseling | How To Get Over The Hurt

In a recent monthly call, Dr. Dana tackled the tough subject of getting over past hurt – putting those memories of painful incidents behind you and moving forward. Holding onto to painful grudges can lead to long-term trouble in a relationship.

Even if the problem has been addressed, apologies made, many people have a hard time letting go of the pain, even as years pass by.

They will continue to hold it over their partner’s head, and this isn’t healthy for any relationship.

There are several reasons why some people have a hard time letting go of the past. One of the points Dr. Dana stresses is the “ah-ha” moment, when one partner truly understands how the other felt – this is absolutely key in getting past any major issues in the relationship.

When you are hurt, you want your partner to understand why.

Call it a “moment of clarity” if you like. It happens when the two halves of a couple can empathize with one another, and understand how certain behaviors or actions might make the other feel. Or, in some cases, it might mean understanding why or how an affair happened, or what factors led to a negative change in the bedroom. It’s all about being on the same page.

As our phone call wrapped up, there were an incredible amount of questions, all of them tackling some BIG issues. These callers really did something brave here. It’s tough to talk about the hard parts of your life!

One of the toughest questions was, “How do you deal with flashbacks after an affair?” This man couldn’t shake the image of his wife in bed with another man. Dr. Dana’s advice was twofold: First, don’t let yourself get on that train of thought. Teach yourself to see it coming, and simply don’t get on the train – make a point to replace those negative thoughts with something else. Part two: replace those memories with new, good ones! The couple is back together, working to get past the affair, and one way to do that is reconnecting in the bedroom.

Other questions included how to “help her get over the resentment,” how to deal with, “a spouse who has anger issues,” and “a husband who doesn’t admit they did wrong.” While there are plenty of specifics for each of these problems, it goes back to the “ah-ha” moment, and finding some empathetic middle ground with your partner.

If any of these concerns apply to you, this is just a small portion of the advice contained in our monthly call, each centered on a theme, culminating with an open Q&A with our marriage advice expert! To gain access to the monthly call, direct help from Dr. Dana, and our extensive member’s forum, check out the StrongMarriageNow Community today!


What pain are you struggling with?  How can we help?  Please comment below…

Find Out How Marriage Counseling Can Help With Dr. Dana and Amy,

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Jeanne 10 years ago

We have been married four years. During this time, I had created some financial stress for us and my husband won't forgive me for the betrayal. I have apologized, and have asked for his forgiveness, and am also in the process of repairing what I have done. He has shared every detail of this and our marriage to his family, friends, and my parents as well as trashing me to everyone. I have learned that he has been unfaithful with former girlfriends and is not remorseful and says that that is what I deserve and that he was entitled to do that because of what I did. He is unreasonable, controlling and jealous. He ordered me and threatened me out of the house he had purchased before we were married. I am believing he is a narcissist. I have asked him to respect our marriage and not to discuss our relationship with others and disrespect me to them. I have asked him not to talk with and text and see these former girlfriends because he is married and he should honor that because I asked him not to out of respect for his wife. He does not agree with that and says that he can talk and say anything he likes to anyone. It is evident to me that he does not love me or care about me, because if he did he would be a much different husband. Do I stay, do I go, what do I do?

Mike_Olsen_SMN 10 years ago

Hi Jeanna - It's good you are acknowledging the mistake you made, but it sounds like you both need to be on the same page. Neither of you should be broadcasting the problems with your spouse outside of seeking help with you marriage. Let him know that if he doesn't want you to talk, he doesn't talk. If you have to repent for your mistakes, he has to also. We are pro-marriage here but we are pro-happy marriage and if he is just going to continue to cheat, then we support whatever decision you make.

Feelinglikeafool 9 years ago

Dealing with how my husband had a emotional affair then ending with a full fledge affair with his bestfriends wife . Every detail i have fiund out has either been from her or her husband . This would be they only way my husband would admit guilt or confess to anything. The day this all came out he Then lost his 85,000 $ yr job over it . We have been married 15yrs this month and have 3 children 8,10 and 11. Now we are having to sell everything we own because he had to take a less paying job. Also having to sell our home of 11 yrs because he brought her their to my bed . I can not get over this no matter what i try . I have turned my life over to the lord and ask for his help in this tramatic time . I feel i should just move on most of the time. My husband has no answers for anything . Dont love her dont have feelibgs for her never planned on leaving for her is what im told. Everything i ask what they talked about he doesnt know or dont remember . He also confesses of turning his life over to the Lord and pretty much wants me to forget and move on . WHAT TO DO ???? Its in my head like it was just yesterday and its been almost a year. When i look at him all i see is him with another and lies and deciete !!!

Mike_Olsen_SMN 9 years ago

Hi Fool - You are not alone. Talk to your pastor or a trusted friend. Let them help guide you. Talk to a counselor, and I would go together and alone to get the help you need too.