How to Help Your Wife Want More Sex

Physical intimacy is an important part of a healthy marriage, but for many couples (especially after they’ve been married a long time), getting on the same page sexually can prove to be a challenge.

The most common example of this disconnect is when husbands “want more sex” than their wives… It’s a fairly typical dynamic (and is partly just the differences in the biology of men and women), but more often than not, it’s not that one partner wants more sex than the other – it’s that there are barriers (in behavior, in communication, etc.) that prevent the sexual relationship from flourishing.

Today, we’re going to focus on what men can do for their wives – in part because it’s the most common complaint we hear, and partly because, well, these points are tips many men are never told!

Before we dive in, it’s important to say that these tips might not apply to all men, and that every couple’s sex life is different – so take these in stride, and apply the ones that hit closest to home.

1. It’s Always On

A big concept that many men overlook is that a healthy sex life is happening all of the time, every minute of the day. Both physically and psychologically, the attraction and sexual tension between you is a constant work in progress – it doesn’t just “switch on” in the bedroom.

This idea has a couple of important components – one fun, and one serious.

The fun side is flirting and fooling around, showing affection regardless of whether or not it’s going to lead to the bedroom, telling your wife how good she looks, sending flirty and sexy texts when you’re apart during the day, and so on…

It’s about keeping that chemistry and playful attitude going throughout each day.

The more serious side is about trust, companionship, and connectivity. This is emotional vulnerability, trustworthiness, and how close your wife feels to you. A huge, misunderstood difference between typical male and female sexuality is that men feel connected by having sex, while women need to feel connected to want to have sex…

That feeling of connection comes from your wife feeling important to you, knowing that she trusts you, and feeling safe around you (again, this isn’t the case for EVERY woman or every relationship – but quite common).

The more present you are in the marriage, the more she can count on you, the more you follow through on your word… The more you make her feel like a priority (and not just your own desires), the more connected she’ll feel – and the more desirable you’ll be to her!

Remember, both lighthearted and serious connection building is happening all the time – so keep it going throughout each and every day, not just when it’s convenient for you.

2. Specifically Her

People in general are turned on and empowered when they feel desirable… But it only works if it’s specific to that person.

One of the most common complaints we hear from women is that they feel like a vehicle to satisfy their husband’s desires. He wants sex, but doesn’t make it seem like he wants sex specifically with his wife.

When you’re feeling frisky, let her know that it’s your wife specifically that you desire. Tell her why, build up her confidence, help her feel like a successful, desirable lover – the individual you desire most.

3. Nix The Negativity

Passively or otherwise, chipping away at your spouse’s confidence is NOT the way to heat things up in the bedroom. This could be snide little comments about looks or physical fitness, complaints about how a situation was handled, or just general negativity of any kind…

You’re supposed to be a team, supporting one another and helping each other through the hard times, not criticizing each other at every turn – and for no real reason. This is especially true with complaints about sex itself…

A sure fire way to make your wife NOT in the mood is to complain about lack of sex, criticize the sex you do have, or trying to make her feel guilty for her part of your sexual relationship.

Even passive aggressive comments (including those made unintentionally) can hurt your connection. If your wife is feeling confident and initiates some intimacy – and you say something like “I love the new you!” – it might feel like a compliment or sly comment, but you’re really insinuating that weren’t happy before – and that’s going to make her feel like a failure.

When she does something great – just tell her so! You don’t have to make comparisons that are going to make her doubt her overall importance or meaning to you.

Stick to the positives! Or, if you really need to talk about some problems, set aside a time to bring it up and talk about it calmly… Don’t wait until you’re in the heat of the moment.

4. Power

Confidence is sexy, and so is power – but not necessarily in the way most men think. The power that is truly attractive is power over oneself.

That means self control, self awareness, etc. Losing your temper is NOT control… Mismanaging money is NOT control… Wallowing in self-pity, giving up, drinking too much… All of those things are signs that a man does not have power over himself.

A man without this kind of power is “weak” – and not very attractive to his wife. If he can’t control himself, he’s not trustworthy, and if she has to take care of him, she feels more like a mother than spouse. Neither is sexy.

5. Maturity

If talking about sex makes you uncomfortable, get over it!

Just as power and self-control are attractive, so is a sense of maturity. It’s certainly ok to be silly sometimes, but when it comes to matters of intimacy, being goofy isn’t really a turn on.

That’s not to say that you need to take yourself so seriously at every moment – just remember that assertiveness and maturity can be major turn ons.

This is by no means a comprehensive list of all the things men can do to get their sex lives back on track, but they are some of the most common issues. Keep these things in mind both in the bedroom and in your day-to-day interactions with your spouse. In fact, many of these principles go both ways – and women can keep these things in mind for their husbands as well!

For more advice on how to strengthen your marriage, check out the Strong Marriage Now System link below!