Help! I Don’t Like My Wife Anymore

As awful as it feels, falling out and back in love again over the course of marriage is completely normal – and is almost to be expected at one point or another. People tend to change over time, and as we go through different phases of our lives, sometimes the distance we feel from our partner is larger than others. We know that it’s normal, but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with while it’s happening.

Today, let’s look at one of the reasons this happens – and how you can work together with your spouse to get past it.

Growing up and changing never stops. Over the course of our lives, our interests, our priorities, our sense of humor – all of these things can change, some of them very gradually. The same is true for our spouses – they are also spending their lives in a gradual state of change. But here’s the problem: as we change and grow (and so do our spouses), we might spend some of those phases on a VERY different page than the person we married.

For example – when you got married, maybe you both shared a passion for travel, and were willing to sacrifice some comforts to be able to afford the trips you wanted to take. Perhaps a few years go by, and while one of you still has the travel bug, the other has gotten a different job, started making more money, and is now thinking much more about permanence – buying a house and having children…

While both wanting a family and wanting to pursue adventures are both perfectly acceptable goals for a married couple, they aren’t exactly congruent with one another – and this is just one example! This same type of unmatched change can happen for nearly any aspect of the marriage, from sexual appetites to financial priorities, favorite restaurants to personal fitness goals – it’s all subject to change.

When this happens, though, and suddenly you aren’t seeing eye to eye with your spouse, you’re arguing more, and the things you maybe used to enjoy together now seem like a hassle for your spouse, you know that you’ve begun to grow apart.

So, if you notice this happening, what can you do?

First, understand that you don’t necessarily have to be on the same page about every little detail. Sometimes a difference of opinion – and the resulting discussion – is a great way to find a happy middle ground, learn to compromise, and come up with solutions that neither of you would have come up with on your own.

Next, you have to make an effort to “get to know” each other all over again. These changes happen over time (and usually right under our noses), but by the time we notice, it feels like we’re miles away from our spouses. This goes back to spending quality time with each other, away from kids and distractions, to keep your connection strong. Newly developed interests and priorities make great conversation pieces, so talk to your spouse about what has changed and why.

Changes in opinion and personality don’t mean that your spouse is an entirely different person, just that they are growing into the current version of themselves – someone who you can still love and share a connection with, just with new layers and new wisdom to share with you.

If you feel like you and your spouse have grown apart, or that the person you married has somehow changed, it means that the two of you have allowed your relationship fall behind a little – that you’re not keeping “up to date” with one another. If this has already happened, you can make up for some lost time by committing to spending as much quality time together as you can. You can rekindle your connection by relearning the details of each other’s personalities.

And as a precaution, protection, or whatever you want to call it, spend time together to prevent this from happening in the first place! If you’re staying “up to date” with your spouse, talking about your opinions, priorities, and needs in a regular, ongoing sort of way, any changes that happen won’t appear so sudden.

If you’re maintaining open and honest communication, and making a point to spend fun quality time together, you’ll be growing together – instead of apart.

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For more advice on how to strengthen your marriage, check out the StrongMarriageNow System today!

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8 comments

maria 8 years ago

im newlywed and i love my husband , but the way that he treats me sometimes i cant take it anymore... He calls me names when he gets angry and he just doesnt really respect me, hes controlling and only thinks of himself sometimes, Dont get me wrong there are alot of great times but i just cant handle him anymore. i love him so much but i want him to know he cant treat me or talk to me the way he does. it's getting to the point where i am really resenting him. I just want to be away from him right now. and i shouldnt feel like that in a marriage!?

Adrien 8 years ago

My wife started a new job about 4-6 months ago and just a few weeks ago I caught her texting with one of the individuals that was a teacher in her training. At first it was playfull and stuff, I'm not really the jealous type. But one night, she was out of the room and her phone went off. Me and her have always been open about everything so I grabbed it. It was a messages back and forth were he was saying things that were really unacceptable.

peg 8 years ago

My husband has had many affairs and I have stayed for the children's sake and financial reasons. I no longer want to be married and I don't want to hold my husband hostage either. I don't know what todo

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Peg - If you want to save your marriage, you'll need to work with him to see what is causing the affairs, and I would highly recommend counseling for you both. If he continues to cheat, then you need to do what is best for you as well. We want you both to be happy, and it's clear neither of you are in this situation. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/ed-asks-my-wife-is-having-an-affair-and-she-wont-stop-seeing-him/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Adrien - It sounds like she might be having an emotional affair. We just had a great article on the topic. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/handle-emotional-affair/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Maria - It sounds like this is perfect for you - https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/marriage-counseling-video-stop-fighting-calling/ I hope he can resolve his anger in other ways.

rachael 8 years ago

My husband of almost 12 years tells me he wants a divorce two weeks ago. I want to save our marriage. I know we have grown apart but I know we can get back to growing together. We have 2 young children as well. He says I need counseling because I keep looking for my happiness within him. He says he doesn't need counseling. He has already sent me separation papers that he drew up himself. He also moved out. How can I alone save us from divorce?

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Rachel - I'm so sorry to hear that. Try to find out the reason for his wanting a divorce - is there someone else? Does he feel he is wanting something more? And ask for couples counseling for you both, for your kids. Remember there are times we grow away from our spouses and we can always grow back together. In the meantime, here is some advice - https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/blog/can-your-marriage-be-saved-dr-fillmore-answers/