How Do I Get My Husband Or Wife To Understand How The Affair Made Me Feel?

So often, we (unconsciously) deal with pain by trying to show the other person what it felt like to be hurt – and we do so by acting hurtful. This doesn’t work… at all.

Instead of allowing each other explain how an affair made you feel (and sitting and truly listening when your spouse is sharing), too many couples fall into “payback” and “tit for tat” ways of showing each other that they’ve been hurt. It creates a cycle of cruelty that keeps you apart.

Excuses, explanations, finger pointing, etc. have no place here – this is about understanding how your spouse felt during a truly difficult time.

It’s important to let your spouse get their words out, and to just absorb what they have to say. Not arguing back or defending yourself is NOT the same as admitting guilt and taking all the blame. This isn’t the arena to defend yourself. The purpose is understand the pain your spouse went through – and they should be willing to do the same for you.

In the video below, Dr. Dana discusses this very topic with a real couple finding ways to overcome their difficulties and move forward with a stronger, healthier marriage.

For more advice on how to strengthen your marriage, check out the StrongMarriageNow System today!


Dr. Dana Fillmore and Amy Barnhart, co-Founders,

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vic 9 years ago

I just recently discovered my wife had an affair for two years. I found out about the affair when I looked through her email and found out she was pregnant with the other man's child. I confronted her and she said she was terrified.

Harold 9 years ago

I want to ask her so bad WHY WHY WHY!?!? Why have you lead me on for 7+ years? Why have you made me think we could make our marriage work? What did I do that made you commit the ultimate sin regarding our marriage? And how could you keep doing it in front of my face?

Mike_Olsen_SMN 9 years ago

Hi Vic - That is a terrible situation for all four of you. I hope you and your wife can enter counseling.

Mike_Olsen_SMN 9 years ago

Hi Harold - There must be something she is looking for. Help her find it.

disqus_dgPG50B2UL 9 years ago

I tired to tell my husband his two emotional affairs hurt me deeply and are as bad as a sexaully affair he tired to brush it off as no big deal ! How can I make him see it cause as much damage to our marriage ?

Mike_Olsen_SMN 9 years ago

Hi Disqus - I think you need to wait until a quiet moment, and just talk to him. Make sure you are not angry, though I know you have a right to be. Calmly explain that his feelings and affection are just as important as any physical aspect of the relationship.

Guest123 9 years ago

How do get someone to talk about an affair? He says he wants to leave it in the past and never talk about it. Yesturday I found the lady's number and called her. Only because he would not talk to me about it. Now he says he wants a divorce because I broke the trust when I called her. He feels like I will never be able to trust him after I told him I could. Is there anyway for us to get past this?

Mike_Olsen_SMN 9 years ago

Hi Guest - if you didn't leave him for actually having the affair, I think it's a bit unfair he thinks a divorce is appropriate for you talking to the other woman. Let him know there are some things you'd like to know to help you work through it and he needs to be the one to help you.

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