Here's the next video in our blog series “Dr. Dana Answers Your Questions.” Today’s question is from John: “How do rebuild trust after it has been destroyed? Don't you have to have trust as the foundations to your marriage?”


Please comment below the video to ask your own questions or just to let us know what you think about how to rebuild trust.  We’re frequently shooting new videos and will answer the top questions as part of this ongoing series.

Check Out Our Video: How To Regain the Love, Rekindle Passion and Save Your Marriage

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003407310981 Fortunato

    that that seemed to be a prbelom I had with lots of my guy friends and I started crying a little bit. My brother said in a very rude way Why the heck are you crying? It’s because your a little Wh*** that attracts perverts right and I said No, it’s because I miss him you a**hole’ and I just absolutely broke down. That night, he called. When my mom told him how messed up I’d been, he drove over at 1AM on a school night to come comfort me because I’d started crying uncontrollably when I heard his voice on the other line.We sat in his car for 3 hours just talking. And I’d ended up falling asleep with my head in his lap after he put his jacket over me because I was shivering. I realized that maybe I do have deeper feelings for him Now here’s the drama one day I came over, and I don’t know what happened, I kissed him. And it escalated. He stopped me and said I can’t do this, I have a girlfriend’. I was devastated. Not only because he’d rejected me, but also because I hadn’t known that he had a girlfriend, and I basically just totally skewered their relationship. The guilt was so great that I’d tried to choke myself while he was downstairs. He pulled the hairties off my neck and held me until I stopped crying. We’ve still gotten closer since then though. He broke up with his ex, and now he’s talking to me about our futures and how he hopes that they could possibly be combined. I don’t think I deserve him, and I’m horribly afraid to commit to something like that. I’m just so confused And I’m just afraid to hurt him again. He’s the best person someone could know. But my commitment issues are just absolutely out of control, and I’ve been scared of getting into relationships lately. Also; some days he’s attractive to me and others I just see him as my best friend. It’s making me mad, because it’s even more proof that I don’t deserve him.The summary is:He liked me, I liked him. I stopped liking him, I dumped him. We didn’t talk for awhile, then we started again. For awhile I thought things were awesome, then he said he was jealous and stopped talking again. I got really down, and he came and made me feel better. The whole thing made me think that maybe I do have feelings for him, my emotions are just crazy around him. I kissed him not knowing he had a girlfriend and he proved how decent he was by stopping me. We’re closer then ever before, but sometimes he’s the guy I’m n love with, other times he’s just my best friend.And I need to add that when I’m laying next to him on the couch justlounging, I feel so at peace it’s amazing Basically I’m asking for advice about what to do, if I should act on it or if I’ll just end up hurting him again..

  • Joy

    I know being jealous can ruin a relationship, but how do I stop it?

  • missscarlet

    So, we decided to rebuild trust. But for the past yr. as I ask questions about the foolish mistakes with another women, I get different answers or I receive the statement: ” I did not do that.” Then when I show the email which proves it, he is stuck with admittance. As this has happened frequently and the fact that he is undergoing treatment with an addiction specialist for alcohol and sex addiction, what should I think about these double minded statements or whatever you want to call them.
    When caught I a lie, this very intelligent physicist will say something like ” I don’t remember doing that , I have no memory of it. You must have sent that.” Or, ” I just don’t remember.” This occurred all through out the first yr. after the awful event disclosure of an inappropriate behavior that only lasted 6 mo . He even stated that when he rented from a single women in a part time job in another state, that they were just” casual friends”. But then why would he have wine and The Voice time once a week, take her sailing with our friends without telling me , pretending it was only our couple friends, and why would he take her to dinner on his last week renting there and not tell me? Then when she “attacked him” with repeated offers of “No strings attached sex on his last night there, why did he not just tell me when he returned home? Instead, on Dec. 29. 2012, I received a horrible phone call from her stating that he had bla bla, and was a cheater, which he stated was all a lie.

  • disqus_dgPG50B2UL

    My husband had two emotional affairs one with a much younger woman at work, he’s been in a mid life crisis and I’ve tired to be understanding but he keeps putting the blame all on me for what hes doing. There were something I did during the marriage I shouldn’t have done but the difference is I was open and forthcoming to him about what I was doing and why. I talked online to other men I felt he wasn’t paying any attention to me or my needs.Like I said I don’t believe what I did was right but he’s been sneaking around and other people have seen his behavior Im hurt and embarrassed and I feel our trust is broken. Hes continuing a relationship on facebook with this woman Ive asked him to remove her and that it hurts me he just looks at me with blank eyes. He has shut himself off from me communication is like pulling teeth I’m at my wits end Im trying to be patient he has stated he was going to go counsel for himself and his depression but has done nothing. Help! I want to save us if its not too late But I hold a lot of hurt and anger and mistrust for him! I feel alone in this marriage, L.

  • Lee

    I am working hard on trying to trust my husband again after an emotional affair and inappropriate sexual chatting on Facebook with a co-worker. He has changed his cell number and cancelled his Facebook account, but he refuses to give me his password to his Hotmail and MSN account. In my mind, if he has nothing to hide why not give it to me. I will give him my password in a heartbeat because I have absolutely nothing to hide from him. Am I being too demanding? I found out about the inappropriate chatting and emotional affair about three months ago. I have watched pretty much all your videos on trust and the one on surviving an affair, etc. But nothing guides me on what is OK to ask of my husband in order for him to regain my trust.

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      Hi Lee – did you see our article on emotional affairs as well? http://www.strongmarriagenow.com/handle-emotional-affair/ and you may want to read together the importance of honesty – http://www.strongmarriagenow.com/the-importance-of-honesty/. You may have to agree to meet in the middle. He doesn’t give you his password, but maybe he can show things to you if you ask. In return, you agree that if you are giving him forgiveness and a second change, that means he can have his privacy.

      • Lee

        Thanks Mike for your reply. Yes, WE have read your article on emotional affairs. And I have read the article on honesty. I have tried to meet in the middle. I just keep telling myself that if he has nothing to hide why not give me his password? So, he must have something to hide. He told me that he has made a file with all his ex’s e-mails concerning their kids and finances, which he says are NONE of my business. He is a master liar. He cheated on his ex for 12 years. He does admit that he screwed up with me but he blames me for what we are going through now because if I would not have snooped in his private e-mails, there would have been no harm done… What I don’t know won’t hurt sort of attitude. What a joke! I don’t understand what you mean in your last sentence… I give him forgiveness and he can have his privacy? What do I get? I REALLY don’t think that he deserves his privacy at the moment… doesn’t he have to gain my trust back? By refusing to give me his password DOES NOT help me trust him… on the contrary… it most definitely tells me that he still has something to hide!

        • Mike_Olsen_SMN

          Hi Lee – I mean that I don’t think you are forgiving him, or starting over, if you feel that you have to watch everything he does. Regarding the emails, I think it’s important for him to know that his kids are your kids now too, and his finances are your finances too. You should be together as a united front, and if you are not, that is where problems can come in. You are absolutely not to blame for the trouble now. He made the decision to be emotionally unfaithful, and if there is something you both need to work out, he needs to come to you.

          • Lee

            No, I DO NOT forgive him right now. I am working on it… It has just been three months. It is really hard and I don’t feel that HE is doing everything in his power to regain my trust. Which, as a result doesn’t make me want to be affectionate or sexual with him. How can I give myself to someone who I don’t trust? He has done some things like, changing his cell number and cancelling his Facebook account but under no circumstances will he give me access to his e-mails. How can I forgive him when I think that he is still hiding things from me?

          • Mike_Olsen_SMN

            Hi Lee – I understand why that would be difficult, and it would be hard to be intimate with him. You both might need to find an intermediary, someone you trust to talk to, like a counselor or a pastor.

  • manuel

    I broke trust with my wife over money. I hid an account from Her for over a year. Then i was being garnished at work so i changed my deposit to my other account. When she found out she kicked me out. We have Been separated since nov of last year. So what i did is now im having 100%of my check go Into her account. I give her my paystubs and gave her my checks and Check card. I told her that i would be an Open book to her. With nothing to hide. what should i do please help distressed husband.

  • Michael Spellmeier

    My wife is still breking my trust. the reason I say that is she has been texting another man. he is a former lover, the had disconnected for over 12 yrs. the have gotten back together talking but I just d9o not trust this guy. they secretly text each other several times 20-30 times. if I could get her to stop it and talk to me I would feel better. tonight I took her horseback riding to an area that did not have good cell phone service. also I have tried to get her to just leave her cell phone alone and just be with me

  • bilbo

    I Broke my wife’s trust with porn the 15 years we’ve been married I lide to her lots about the porn said I’m done only to hide it better then one day she saw me and almost pack her bags that was over a year ago and i’m working to fix it

  • Brenda Zorn

    our marriage suffered an affair not once but twice The first time I was almost to the place where I was trusting him and the second infidelity happened This was three years ago and I cannot help but think that he is seeing someone now .. How can I get past this type of thinking?

  • Denise

    Can’t gain trust if spouse continues to lie about his affair, (i.e. finding out he bought her a car from her husband 4 years after d-day.

  • Sarah Lincoln

    Though trust could be difficult to regain but am sure you can build one. My story.Am Sarah Lincoln by name, from USA I have heard of spells but I never believed in it. I do see it as evil but now not all spells are evil I can assure you. I never believed in love spell or magic either until I met this spell caster in Africa Sometime in November last year when I went to Africa for a business summit. I went to this Business summit heartbroken and unhappy infarct I was battered. I met a friend who also came for this summit infarct the hotel my organization paid for that I should lodge was the same hotel she was staying. Her name is Tara Fabian. The 3rd day of the submit, we boded the same taxi to the hotel. As we where going she started telling me things she noticed about me during the course of this summit. I observed how unhappy you are for the past 2 days she said. What is the matter she asked? At first it was difficult to discus with someone you haven’t seen before and I was shocked how she managed to know I wasn’t fine. Well I couldn’t hold back anymore but busted into tears. At this point I told her all I have been going through, how the man I had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down because our relationship has been on for 6years. . I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job. What hurts more is that my man was now going out with my best friend Ann and has proposed marriage to her. Tara promised to help me and she also made me to know that I will get my man back. As God may have it, the 5th day was the day we had to rest before attending the last summit. Tara took me to a man who’s name is Dr. Oligbe Akas he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one’s gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first I was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 7 days when i returned to USA, my boyfriend (now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn’t believe it because the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all I wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better. All these years of this issues, i didn’t fool around and my man trusted me when we came back. His email is (oligbeakastraditionalherbalist@gmail.com). Am the happiest woman on earth now because my husband and I are living happily now. All I have said is true but be careful not to be deceived because it seems there are lots of scammers out who are extorting money from people via the internet. You can contact me through my mail (sarahlincoln92@outlook.com if you want to confirm from me.

  • Angelique

    my husband lied to me in the beginning of our relationship. he told me that he was never married and come to find out that he was married. I had to do the research for this becoz I knew I was lying to and I cant stand lies. I have tried to talk to him about being honest and I have told him everything. Now, I don’t trust him and I don’t if I can ever trust him again. Honesty and Trust are very important to me.