Cheating Wife: Ed Asks “My wife is having an affair and she wont stop seeing him”

Cheating Woman

In today’s blog, Dr. Dana answers a question from Ed about his wife’s affair…

Question:

“I recently found out that my wife is having an affair. I’m willing to forgive and move forward but she’s not sure she’s willing to stop seeing him. All the information I can find tells one how to survive an affair after the spouse comes back. How do I convince my wife to end her affair and give me and the kids another try?”

Ed

Answer:

“Dear Ed, This is probably one of the most painful positions to be in. I applaud your commitment to your marriage and family despite the pain of your wife’s affair. This is, of course, a complicated issue and difficult to answer briefly. So let me break it down as best I can.”

Dr. Dana

1. Understand why she cheated.

Was she unhappy in your marriage? Was she unhappy with herself? What was she looking for that she was not getting in her life? While these are painful conversations to have, it’s important to know this information because you cannot attempt to fix your marriage if you don’t know what was broken. Even if the conclusion is that there’s something going on with her, you can help your wife have the life she’s looking for while still staying married (i.e. more excitement, higher self esteem, gracefully growing older, appropriately coping with unresolved issues)

2. Provide your wife with information.

Whether through self-help books, therapy or our Survive an Affair series, your wife needs some information. She needs to understand the addictive nature of affairs, the fact that, in reality, the grass is rarely greener and the real impact that ending her marriage will have on her life. This is likely information that she is unwilling to hear directly from you but it is vital for her to understand in order for her to make the best decision for her.

3. Be the best husband and man you can be.

One of the biggest mistakes people can make after an affair is that they make most of their interactions with their spouse about the pain the betrayal is causing. This makes it incredibly difficult for your wife to see that she might be happier with you than with him. I recommend, instead, that you focus on being the best husband and father (based, in part, or her answers to question number 1) that you can be. While you’ll never be “new” again, try to remind her that you can be a loving, fun and interesting man. Guilt and shame aside, help her find a reason to come back to you and the life you shared together.

Have you been impacted by an affair? Please comment.

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If you’re trying to survive an affair and make your spouse love you again, take advantage of Dr. Dana’s proven StrongMarriageNow System to help you along the way.

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18 comments

Adam 9 years ago

I'm in the same place as this guy. Wife wants a divorce, and every interaction with her she accuses my niceness of being solely for the purpose of stopping the divorce. I told her I understand her desire for her divorce and will work kindly with her through it if she reslly wants that. She expresses extreem desire NOt to work on it. Currenlty she is an online affair through Skype with a guy, had to find out by computer spyware, but have sence stopped looking for any further proof. (Doesn't benifit anything anyway.) So the best i can do is just be an awesome guy when I see her, even though it's seldom and I live 2 states away for a job I'm stuck in. She doesn't want to come to me, and i have too much student loans and debt to just quit. It almost seems like I'd just have to let the affair play itself out until, she realizes she wants to come back to me. Kinda hard when she won't give me a chance. I had agression issues, 5 major blowups in 7 years, she said maid her feel scared to talk about anything, ever, for fear of upsetting me. So now I'm calm cool and collected, but I think she desires this online fantasy relationship too much to ever give it up. Worst part is we got two awesome boys, who I'm happy to say, we have not put in the middle or even mentioned divorce. just told them they will have 2 homes now. One with dad and 1 with mom. They came to visit for first time and spent a couple weeks with me, was great. then wife allowed me to join her just last weekend when we met in reno to handoff the kids. went to Circus Circus, and a buffet. But no sparks or anything, just civility.(Thinking maybe she wanted to see if doing that would make her feel anything for me, obviosly since she is still seeing another guy it would make that hard, I will never measure up to the thrill of an affair with the past we have. Too much bad stuff for her to draw from.) I'm doing the best i can, and just hoping a cool head over time will prevail. And ready to show her love, kindness, and patience if she decides to give me a chance. Also working on being good at my job, and picking up some things to keep me happy and regain my sence of desire for life. (Thus being a more attractive interesting guy.) 7 years of amrraige, much time spent appart for work, comming up on 2 years appart, with bi-monthly visits home, that got colder and colder each time. Think I really need to get a job back near her, or we won't stand a chance. just no one hiring up there in Boise right now, I keep trying though.

MikesMojo 9 years ago

Divorce her, move on and find another after you heal. If a woman does this once she will do so again. A woman's infidelity is much more harmful to the family unit than a mans. She has broken the bond. When men are unfaithful the bond is usually still intact.. Science proves this, but feminist society hates this truth. What if she gets pregnant and gives birth to the other mans child. What if she lies and tells you its yours. Do you want to raise a bastard child? There are many good women out there that are trustworthy, and loyal. Reinvent yourself and change the reasons she ended up cheating. Become the man women want and it will never happen again with your new, younger more attractive woman. This sucks to hear, but I went through this and my life is much better than ever before. My kids respect me more because I did what was right. Read the Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi

SW 9 years ago

My husband recently confessed to having an affair and I was devastated. I don't know how I'd ever be able to do #3 above, which talks about being the best spouse I can be to keep him wanting to try and work things out. I love him, and would like to work things out, but then I keep blowing it with being highly suspicious of him contacting her again (he'd been very good with lying for nine months), even though he says he isn't involved in it anymore. It hurts so much and I feel numbed out, or in tears. I plan on seeing a counselor this week, and am hoping that I can work through the pain this way. Initially we'd talked about trying to work things out, but at this point he's heard me question him and doubt him about further contact with her that he's pretty much withdrawing, and it's making me pretty sad. I think what caused me to withdraw from him initially was his anger - I withdrew from him emotionally because of it, and he was fished in by a woman who was miserably married to a man who didn't meet her needs. They were both starving for attention. It's like a double whammy.

Mike_Olsen_SMN 9 years ago

SW, It is difficult to trust someone after they have betrayed you. Take a look at this video and hopefully it will give you some more insight on ways to regain the trust in the relationship. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/save-marriage-regain-trust-its-destroyed/

kim 9 years ago

Hello my husband is having an affair and says he has not been in love with me for 2 years we have been married for 1 year but have been together for 11 Year's. He says it's not physically but it still hurts the same way, he want a divorce but he don't want the kids to know are my family. He wants to be friends with benefits, which I think is disrespectful to me and who ever this other girl is. I know she is not the reason for where are relationship is today that is why I am not mad at her, all I really want is for him to be happy I would love for him to be happy with me but I I Don't think that is going to happen. everything I have done to make the relationship where it is today I have changed for the better but like they say if you don't spend time together you can't fall in love aging. I don't know what to do if I tell him my feelings he get mad and upset and says this situation is not stable for me mentally and we need different place's. no matter what I do he will only see the negative in me. For a while I had not been washing cooking are cleaning for him just the kids I now have gotten back into it and he like it but he also orders me around now. is my lunch packed for work? where is this where is that. I feel like I am his backup plane if it don't work with her hill have me to fall back on. i am not that type of women but I feel like i should be cause for 11 years i order him around i never took his feelings in consideration so now that the rolls are flip i don't know what to do

Mike_Olsen_SMN 9 years ago

Kim, It sounds to me like the two of you need to work on your communication skills with one another. Try talking about your feelings instead of just ordering each other around. Please take a look at this article on "How To Improve Communication in Your Marriage Today" https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/blog/how-to-improve-communication-in-your-marriage-today/

justin 9 years ago

My wife says she has picked me but doesn't want to hurt him cause she still loves him and won't break it off. What do I do? PS I have already bought this system.

Mike_Olsen_SMN 9 years ago

Justin, I think you will be able to relate to this article: "My Wife Is Having An Affair And She Wont Stop Seeing Him." https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/ed-asks-my-wife-is-having-an-affair-and-she-wont-stop-seeing-him/

AN 8 years ago

My husband never confessed. He just left clues for me to discover and when I confronted him, he did not deny. He moved out of our home Within 1 week (married over 30 years) and in with his mistress. He flaunts his affair; takes her everywhere we used to go(restaurants, vacations, community function, etc.) with no regard or respect for me or our friends that attend these places. This has been going on for 6 months. I was not aware of his unhappiness until this came out. He never communicated or attempted to "fix" the problems, he just left. Now I am on a financial roller coaster while we go through the divorce process. I believe we could fix our marriage, but he wants to stay with the other woman. When do I stop trying? Friends have begged me to wake up and realize he's not worth the effort, which makes me very sad.

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

AN - Only you can decide if it's time to call it quits - https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/blog/can-your-marriage-be-saved-dr-fillmore-answers/

Shelly 7 years ago

I and my husband has been married for 15 years and he recently had an affair with another married woman this is the first time that this has happen since we have been married..The funny part about it is that i thought that we was happy we wasn't in a bad situation or anything he told me that it wasn't about me and that he was happy with me and that it was an old girlfriend from back then and that they had ran into each other and became more comfortable with one another which let to them having an affair..I'm still very devastated by this because i can't believe it.. I'm trying very hard to understand the reason for him doing this to our marriage and also trying to forgive him..In my mind i want an Divorce but in my heart i wanna try to make it work because i love him...But how can i get pass this if he's telling me that the affair didn't have anything to do with me and that it was something he wanted to do but now Truly regrets it..What advice can you give me Shelly~

Shelly 7 years ago

I and my husband has been married for 15 years and he recently had an affair with another married woman this is the first time that this has happen since we have been married..The funny part about it is that i thought that we was happy we wasn't in a bad situation or anything he told me that it wasn't about me and that he was happy with me and that it was an old girlfriend from back then and that they had ran into each other and became more comfortable with one another which let to them having an affair..I'm still very devastated by this because i can't believe it.. I'm trying very hard to understand the reason for him doing this to our marriage and also trying to forgive him..In my mind i want an Divorce but in my heart i wanna try to make it work because i love him...But how can i get pass this if he's telling me that the affair didn't have anything to do with me and that it was something he wanted to do but now Truly regrets it..What advice can you give me Shelly~

Mike_Olsen_SMN 7 years ago

Hi Shelly, I can only imagine hoe devastating that was. And even if he says it didn't have to do with you, you are going to feel that way. You might both need to talk to someone to help you work through it, but we believe the marriage can we saved if you both want it to. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/7-steps-to-survive-an-affair/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 7 years ago

Hi Shelly, I can only imagine hoe devastating that was. And even if he says it didn't have to do with you, you are going to feel that way. You might both need to talk to someone to help you work through it, but we believe the marriage can we saved if you both want it to. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/7-steps-to-survive-an-affair/

Joanne 6 years ago

Hi my husband had an affair 18months ago with someone I considerd my friend, a mum from our daughters school. When I found out I was heartbroken but also started to suffer from anxiety and depression. I sought help from my doctor and also from Strong Marraige Now and forgave my husband. I fought hard to save our Marraige and keep our family (2 girls and one step-son) together. It was very difficult and we also went to counselling which helped me but he was completely disengaged. I thought we had turned a corner after around 6 months and things did improve. However 4 months ago he had to pick the girls up from school a couple of times and bumped into her. They immediately restarted the affair. He has now left me to carry on his relationship with her, she left her husband already because of his infedelity. To be honest I'm not sure I want him back now. It feels like he deliberately strung me along (my mother died in the middle of all this and I now think that may have been the only reason he stayed) and now it just feels like he is doing everything he can to hurt me. The children know who she is and are friends with her children so they are using that to get my children to spend time with her too. In addition I now no longer see my step son who I have treated as my own for 12 years. He has just been taken from my life. I am finding it very difficult to cope with the whole situation and don't know how I will get through when he is now spending family time with my children and his girlfriend and her kids!? I have bought the SMN system last time but think I am probably beyond help now?

Joanne 6 years ago

Hi my husband had an affair 18months ago with someone I considerd my friend, a mum from our daughters school. When I found out I was heartbroken but also started to suffer from anxiety and depression. I sought help from my doctor and also from Strong Marraige Now and forgave my husband. I fought hard to save our Marraige and keep our family (2 girls and one step-son) together. It was very difficult and we also went to counselling which helped me but he was completely disengaged. I thought we had turned a corner after around 6 months and things did improve. However 4 months ago he had to pick the girls up from school a couple of times and bumped into her. They immediately restarted the affair. He has now left me to carry on his relationship with her, she left her husband already because of his infedelity. To be honest I'm not sure I want him back now. It feels like he deliberately strung me along (my mother died in the middle of all this and I now think that may have been the only reason he stayed) and now it just feels like he is doing everything he can to hurt me. The children know who she is and are friends with her children so they are using that to get my children to spend time with her too. In addition I now no longer see my step son who I have treated as my own for 12 years. He has just been taken from my life. I am finding it very difficult to cope with the whole situation and don't know how I will get through when he is now spending family time with my children and his girlfriend and her kids!? I have bought the SMN system last time but think I am probably beyond help now?

GetOutWhileYouCan 1 year ago

This is dreadful advice ... you are recommending to stay in an abusive relationship (yes affairs are abusive) and do the pick me dance, there is no incentive for the wayward spouse to change their behaviour ... I also fundamentally disagree that there is any responsibility the betrayed spouses should take for the bad and selfish choices of their partners ... this is disgraceful, heaping extra shame and guilt on victims of abuse, this is the same as saying that girls victims of sexual harassment and rape are partially to blame because of the clothes they are wearing - really really disgraceful advice from Dr Dana. Seriously, if your spouse has an affair and then refuses to stop it there is absolutely nothing to work with ... what are you modelling to your children, that it is ok to be abused or abuse your spouse? The marriage is already over, I recommend as painful as it may be to get out, file for divorce and concentrate on being the best father to your children you can in this situation - be the sane parent and model something different to your selfish spouse ... and for all who smoke Dr. Dana's hopium pipe I recommend to. save their money and get a good attorney instead, you will be better off in the long run;

Strong Marriage Now 1 year ago

GetOutWhileYouCan, Ed specifically states the he is 'willing to forgive and move forward' and that he was 'not sure she’s willing to stop". Dr. Dana's advice was to Ed and his specific situation not the fantasy relationship of a couple you have constructed in order to justify your anonymous 'advice'.