Save Marriage: Is It Time To Call It Quits?

Here's the next video in our blog series “Dr. Dana Answers Your Questions.” Today’s question is from Elyse: “In November of 2009, I discovered that my husband was having an affair that started 2 months prior. It finally ended in August of 2010. I've been to counseling, read many books about surviving affairs, but still can't get over the pain, hurt, anger and feelings of betrayal that I have due to this affair. Is it time to call it quits?”


 

Please comment below the video to ask your own questions or just to let us know what you think. We’re frequently shooting new videos and will answer the top questions as part of this ongoing series.

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31 comments

Patrick 7 years ago

she's done, she said that she doesn't want to work on our relationship. She cant cause all the trust is gone. I have wrong her several time but this the she cant forgive me. Help!!

donna 7 years ago

work on yourself and try to slowly work on it together ,talking can not hurt if you really want it to work

Mike_Olsen_SMN 7 years ago

Patrick, If you two are talking to each other, offer to watch this video with her. This video is helpful on rebuilding trust: https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/important-problem/trust-yt/

Ayley Loy 7 years ago

What should I do? I am 21 years old, met my husband in 2011 and we got married in 2012 along with having a baby 8 days later (got pregnant in February 2012 had him in Oct 18) so now I have a husband and 3 kids (2 step). I work from sun up to sun down no joke. I clean the house do laundry and take care of the kids plus cook and do dishes. My husband works 12 hour night shifts so he's tired most of the time and we hardly get to spend time together anymore. I mean we don't even have sex any more....and its me not him. I don't know what happened. I just feel used and worn out all the time. The other day I got all dressed up....makeup, dressy clothes and shoes for his Granny's dinner and he didn't even notice nor compliment me....I want out but in at the same time :'( what should I do?

Mike_Olsen_SMN 7 years ago

Ayley, You are both living a very busy life right now and it's easy to put sex on the back burner. It's definitely not too late to make some changes. An easy fix is to keep the communication lines open between you and your husband. Here is a great article on talking about sex with your spouse: https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/choose-happy-talk-sex/

kim 7 years ago

OK do you need to let someone go before they want to come back. Husband and I had are ups and down but 4 months ago he told me he was no longer in love and since then I have changed everything and we don't fight we get alone great we are separated but still live together. We laugh have fun with kids but he don't want to work on relationships cause those feelings are not there he is set on a divorce and as long as he wants it there's nothing I can do about it. I have already done everything I can on my end but as long as he say no I want a divorce there's nothing I can do

Mike_Olsen_SMN 7 years ago

Kim, Please take a look at this video, "What To Do When Your Spouse’s Feelings Have Changed And You Feel Blindsided?" I think you will be able to relate! https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/save-marriage-spouses-feelings-changed-feel-blindsided/

Andie 6 years ago

What are your thoughts on discussing marital problems with siblings?

Mike_Olsen_SMN 6 years ago

Hi, Andie - I don't think my thoughts matter. I think the thoughts of your spouse do. Some are open with you discussing issues with others, and some are not, so I would suggest running to past them before you do. If you need someone to talk to and your spouse is not open to you using your friends and family, we would suggest a licensed professional to give you sound advice. Please let me know if there is anything specific we can help you with.

ketsia 6 years ago

Hello. My husband had been having an affair with one of his employees for the past 3 years. Before her he impregnated one of his soldiers who is and was married at the time. I had pretty much been taking care of our 4 children on my own. He missed all of their kindergarden graduations, yet went to watch his mistress's son's football games. He spent the majority of his time after work with her and during the weekends and pretended that he was at work the whole time. I filed for divorce last year however he stated that he has friends and that he loves nobody else. He is still in contact with her however spends more time at home but still not involved that much with the kids lives. I had fallen out of love and do not even have the urge to work at it because I have been dealing with his infidelity for about 8 years. He says that he does not want to lose his family however never admitted or apologized for what he did. I pray and have prayer partners but feel that God wants me to do more such as counseling. How far does this go and how could I rekindle the marriage when I have one foot out?

Mike_Olsen_SMN 6 years ago

Ketsia - We are pro marriage, but always remember we are pro happy and healthy marriage. We will support you working with your husband, but in situations like this, it's okay to call it quits too. If you want to work with him, I would recommend this advice - https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/ed-asks-my-wife-is-having-an-affair-and-she-wont-stop-seeing-him/. Here is a good gauge on if it's time to call it quits - https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/blog/can-your-marriage-be-saved-dr-fillmore-answers/

Confuse in Queens 6 years ago

He got somebody else that he been cheating on me off and on. We been arguing non stop for the last month. I think there still hope but he is not communicating with me at all and he said he didn't want to be with me. I am so hurt but I still want to work things out! We been together for 12 years and have a son. I am seeking counseling but he is check out, what should I do? My email is olgav1240@gmail.com. Thanks

Mike_Olsen_SMN 6 years ago

Hi, Confuse, We actually just recently addressed this article. I hope this helps - https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/cheated-give-second-chance/

Carla 6 years ago

my husband is a good man, he has never done any thing offensive to me. he's not an award winning dad or husband but I'm not an award winning mom and and even worse wife, cause I never want to touch him. Not even to hold his hand. His love language is physical contact and I don't want to touch him. I feel like a freak. He loves me very much, what wrong with me?

Mike_Olsen_SMN 6 years ago

Hi Carla - Was it always this way? There are many things that affect our desire for our spouse. Has his appearance changed? Or have you started a new medication? Many anti-depressants have a side effect of lowering our libido. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/marriage-counseling-what-longer-attracted-spouse/

Carla 6 years ago

No it was no always like this. Just after we got married my libido slowed and his increased. I have always wanted less sex them him, but I have never been to the point that I don't want to touch him. Just him walking in the house makes my nerves go all caty. I am going to see a hormonal specialist this friday, but I think my expectation may be too high, it's not like a new herbal will make me love him again. we have both been on anti-depressants and we have both been detoxed. Most of this started to show it's ugly face when I was pregnant with our second child. Now I have three kids.. the two we have and the one my husband has turned into. i feel lost and hopeless. we have an open dialogue, but we just can't get it together.

Mike_Olsen_SMN 6 years ago

Hi Carla - Pregnancy might be a good part of it too. I don't think our bodies ever go back to the way they were. Your OB might be a good source to talk to then as well, and I applaud you for working on this an having an open dialogue with your husband!

Crystal 6 years ago

We have been married 8 years and I still love my husband dearly. But I want a divorce. I have been diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia, and the crippling pain is hard to live with. As a result I am not giving my husband the support he needs to over come his eating and drinking abuse problems and now he has reverted back to them. I have want to go to consoling but we have no money for it. I have been thinking of suicide just to stop mine and his pain. Finding this page was a last ditch effort. I don't even want to hear back just wanted to put it out there. I have doing this on my own for a wile.

Mike_Olsen_SMN 6 years ago

Hi Crystal - You are still going to hear back from us, because we are still people and we genuinely care about you. I don't know where you live, but many places have a community mental help center that offers free counseling. By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7. Please get some help. I would love to hear back from you in a few weeks to see how you are doing.

HurtingHeart 6 years ago

My husband and I have been married for 14 years over the years there have been minor things that have happened between he and I and it seems that it effected our trust. It seems that here lately we have seem to have grown apart, we can't talk without there being an argument, we can't even discuss our week, we have four children who would be effected by a divorce but I watched my parents live like this growing up and I vowed to never allow my children to see me live like this, or raise them in that kind of environment, we never have anything nice to say to to each other but it hurts so much because it seems that he never gave our marriage a chance in the beginning.

Mike_Olsen_SMN 6 years ago

Hi Hurting - If you don't think you can talk to your spouse yet, make the changes you want to see in yourself. Start telling him how much you love he is a great father, or thank him for working hard for the family. If you find something attractive about him, and with 4 kids there must be something!, let him know. You both can't argue if only one is doing the fighting. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/resolving-conflict-fighting-fair-marriage/stop-fighting/

NeQua Kendall 5 years ago

Hi my name is Shan. I've only been married 2 months and my husband cheated and gave me chlamydia. I feel so stupid and betrayed. I don't think counseling can fix this problem what should I do?????

NeQua Kendall 5 years ago

Hi my name is Shan. I've only been married 2 months and my husband cheated and gave me chlamydia. I feel so stupid and betrayed. I don't think counseling can fix this problem what should I do?????

Mike_Olsen_SMN 5 years ago

Hi Shan, we believe a marriage can survive infidelity if they are committed to it together. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/7-steps-to-survive-an-affair/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 5 years ago

Hi Shan, we believe a marriage can survive infidelity if they are committed to it together. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/7-steps-to-survive-an-affair/

NeQua Kendall 5 years ago

What are the steps I need to take I can never trust again and I always have doubt's when he's not home

NeQua Kendall 5 years ago

What are the steps I need to take I can never trust again and I always have doubt's when he's not home

Mike_Olsen_SMN 5 years ago

We can certainly understand. The article linked has some advice, and there is much more in our section about surviving an affair - https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/survive-affair-infidelity-in-marriage/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 5 years ago

We can certainly understand. The article linked has some advice, and there is much more in our section about surviving an affair - https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/survive-affair-infidelity-in-marriage/

NeQua Kendall 5 years ago

Ok I will certainly check it out

NeQua Kendall 5 years ago

Ok I will certainly check it out

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