Are You Helping Your Husband Leave You? Part 1

It may be a stereotype, but there’s some truth to the idea that men typically aren’t very forthcoming with their emotions. As much as we try to teach couples the importance of communicating openly, and that speaking about problems is better than bottling them up… Many men still have trouble in that department, and won’t be vocal about the things bothering them until they’ve reached a boiling point.

Every man is different, of course, and they don’t all fulfill the stoic image of masculinity. For plenty of them, though – even some of the best communicators – there are some elements of marriage that they might have a tough time talking about, and others they simply aren’t putting into words. These parts of your marriage are subtle – and likely are extremely important to your husband, even if he isn’t quite articulating them himself.

With that in mind, we’ve put together a list of those subtleties to be aware of. These aren’t really specific behaviors or some kind of “do’s and don’ts” list. Instead, these are the often unspoken elements of how men feel in relationships – and things to be aware of if you’re concerned about his happiness.

These are some marriage essentials for many men, and if they aren’t present, the relationship might be in trouble.

We’ll cover half the list today:

1. He Can Be Himself

This means letting his personality out with no reservations, no reining things in to fit your expectations (or anyone else’s). At home, this is extremely important. For a husband to be happy, he can’t feel like he’s walking on eggshells, feel like he’s got to watch what he says, or feel like he’s constantly stopping himself from doing or saying what he naturally feels.

If your husband can’t be himself around you, it isn’t a truly connected relationship.

2. You Need Him, But Aren’t “Needy”

Men like to feel like providers, protectors, etc., but there’s definitely a line between feeling “manly” and dealing with someone overly needy. There’s a time and a place for him to fulfill his role as a leader, or whatever typically “masculine” traits may be important to him – but if he feels like he’s constantly helping you, making all of the decisions, responding to your texts and calls multiple times a day, and otherwise dealing with an extreme level of neediness, it’s going to make him resent the dynamic you share… and eventually start to resent the relationship itself.

There’s a middle ground that helps him still feel “manly” – but doesn’t drive him up the wall!

Are You Helping Your Husband Leave You?
Are You Helping Your Husband Leave You?

3. You Feel Like Family (To His Family)

Now, this will depend on the relationship that your husband has with his parents, siblings, and the rest of his family, but if he has a good rapport with them – he will want you to as well. If he feels like he’s forced to take sides in a conflict, or choose between his family and you, it creates mental and emotional weight that will cast a shadow on the marriage.

If, on the other hand, you can easily assimilate into his family, and he can see everyone together as people he loves and cares about, his marriage to you will feel all the more “right.”

4. You Care About Your Appearance

He doesn’t expect you to be a supermodel, or go to absurd lengths to doll yourself up, dress to the nines every day, or break your back at the gym… He does, however, appreciate the efforts you make to look your best – mostly because he experiences that as you being attractive for him.

On the flip side, if you aren’t making any efforts in this department, he may interpret it as a lack of interest or care for his perception of you.

5. He Likes How He Feels With You

For many men, the women they love feel like a sanctuary – a person they can share their vulnerable moments with, a “place” where they feel relaxed, comfortable, and truly happy. These feelings are at the top of his mind on his way home from work, when he’s been away for whatever reason, while he’s at home waiting for you to get back…

It’s an essential part of why he likes to spend time with you – because it feels “warm and fuzzy.” If it doesn’t, well, it puts a damper on his desire to spend time together. If he feels under pressure, criticized, or otherwise on edge as a result of being in your presence, that’s going greatly damage the quality of your marriage.

6. You Appreciate Him

This is one of the most important aspects of a marriage for men – at least in terms of their own ego and personal satisfaction – and that’s feeling useful, appreciated, and not taken for granted. Every couple will express this a little differently, but thanking him for his contributions around the house, reminding him that you love him, and simply keeping it mind not to take him for granted will make him feel important and admired.

Next time, we’ll cover another six points that are specifically important to men in a marriage. Until then, make sure you’re aware of these things, talk to your husband about them, and above all, work together to make your marriage the best it can be!

Want more help? Here’s a link to “Are You Helping Your Husband Leave You? Part 2.”

For more advice on how to strengthen your marriage, check out the StrongMarriageNow System today!
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Dr. Dana Fillmore and Amy Barnhart, co-Founders, StrongMarriageNow.com

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18 comments

peaches 8 years ago

My husband and I have been married 8 years as of this month, we have had a rocky marriage to say the least, we lost our jobs in the economy and have had struggle after struggle since getting married. It seems like he wants me to stay, yet doesn't want to be with me anymore. I found out he wrote a book about me and it was very disrespectful to say the least...I am frigid, etc...

Chloe 8 years ago

So, I decided I was going to get a divorce. I've talked to a lawyer and have applied for an apartment. As soon as I heard about the apartment I was going to pack up, move out and start the divorce proceedings. I still care about my husband, but I'm not in love nor am I attracted to him. Don't sleep with him, don't want to have sex with him and I sleep on the couch. Well, tonight he comes home from work and tells me he is so grateful to have me and can't imagine his life without me. Dang it!

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Peaches - It strongly sounds like you both need some couples therapy if he is having feelings strong enough to write about you but not tell you. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/how-to-stop-a-fight-before-it-starts/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Chloe - it sounds like you need to reconnect. It's possible to regain that closeness and connection. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/reconnect-feel-close/

Theresa Rodgers 8 years ago

I'd like to ask a question

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Re-Re, I'd be happy to help answer one for you.

wanttobemarried 8 years ago

I have pushed my husband away and didn't know that I was doing it

wanttobemarried 8 years ago

I have pushed my husband away and didn't know that I was doing it

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Want, that isn't uncommon, but there are some things you can do to fix it. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/save-marriage-spouse-recommit-marriage/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Want, that isn't uncommon, but there are some things you can do to fix it. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/save-marriage-spouse-recommit-marriage/

wanttobemarried 8 years ago

Well he's living in another state with another female. He's closer to his family and they don't approve of me. Sometimes I feel the things that have happened between us was God's way of fixing the wrong I did~married him when God told me to stand still

wanttobemarried 8 years ago

Well he's living in another state with another female. He's closer to his family and they don't approve of me. Sometimes I feel the things that have happened between us was God's way of fixing the wrong I did~married him when God told me to stand still

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Want, it's up to you both if you want to try and save the marriage. If you do, we support you.

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Want, it's up to you both if you want to try and save the marriage. If you do, we support you.

wanttobemarried 8 years ago

Thank you

wanttobemarried 8 years ago

Thank you

Cocoa White 7 years ago

Well Choke, I am so jealous of you. Okay no I am not really jealous. Ibthank you for your post it really made me Smile. I have been crying for a whole week but your post wiped tears away and gave me a reason to smile. For in the mist of any storm God will command it to cease and bring peace to those in need. That's what he did for you. I am so happy you didn't leave that's not what it is supposed to be like marriage is forever better or worse till death separates not a new place.

Cocoa White 7 years ago

Well Choke, I am so jealous of you. Okay no I am not really jealous. Ibthank you for your post it really made me Smile. I have been crying for a whole week but your post wiped tears away and gave me a reason to smile. For in the mist of any storm God will command it to cease and bring peace to those in need. That's what he did for you. I am so happy you didn't leave that's not what it is supposed to be like marriage is forever better or worse till death separates not a new place.