Pleasing Your Woman: What Turns a Woman On

Want more (and better!) sex in your marriage? Do you feel like sex is a chore? How about more romance with your sex? Do you just want to be wanted?

Understanding What Turns a Woman On

There is a key point that men should understand about the average woman’s arousal process: most women need to get started in the sexual process before they can even begin to decide if they want to have sex.

To use a baseball metaphor then, this means that many women need to at least be “up to bat” or “rounding first base” before their minds and bodies let them know if they want to finish the game. The problem is that women tend to wait to really feel like having sex before they even “step up to the plate” (okay, the metaphor is getting old now – but you get the point).

One of the reasons for this is that most women don’t feel safe starting something if they’re not sure they’ll want to finish it. In other words, over time, many women stop giving passionate kisses to their husbands while standing in the kitchen because they feel horribly guilty if they get things started but don’t end up having sex. This can develop into a pattern of avoidance. Many women even admit to picking fights and feigning the ever-famous “headache” – just to avoid disappointing their husbands. Let’s be clear, they don’t do it to avoid sex necessarily; they do it so neither of them will have to feel the pain of a rejection.

How does this affect men? Well, one of the most common complaints I hear from men is, “The affection is missing.  She doesn’t touch me anymore. She doesn’t kiss me anymore. She doesn’t even want to hold my hand.” Inevitably, I hear the woman say “Yeah, right. He just wants to have sex.”

She believes that if she starts with an affectionate kiss on the couch and doesn’t take it any further, he’ll be mad and she’ll feel guilty – and often, she’s right. Men can take this lack of follow-through very personally and have a negative reaction. To her, it sometimes seems easier for both parties to avoid the whole thing.

So what can we do about it? We talk a lot about that in the StrongMarriageNow System, so come take a look! First remember that sex should be fun! We have to let go of the pressure we put on ourselves (and especially the pressure we put on our partners).

To learn more about how to have more (and better!) sex using our online videos and downloadable exercises, check out our StrongMarriageNow System.

Are you having trouble with your sex life and pleasing your woman? How can we help? Please comment below.


Dr. Dana Fillmore and Amy Barnhart, co-Founders,

Find Solid Marriage Advice & Save Your Marriage. Visit

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Dan 11 years ago

I do not believe you folks understand, I asked her to hold my hand while we were driving to a dinner date with some friends. The answer was an emphatic no, I donot feel like it. Everything is cold.

jeff 11 years ago

My wife had an affair while pregnant with my child, she has no interest in me but it still bothers me over just one year of marriage she wants to sleep with someone else. Should I tell her it bothers me(even though we are apart) or just be quiet because it isn't going to stop her and she may not care?