Why Most Couples Divorce

Many people assume the worst when they hear that a couple is getting divorced. They automatically assume that someone cheated, or at the very least, that a very specific, singular problem as at the heart of the split.

The reality, however, isn’t nearly so simple. Infidelity isn’t always at the center of a divorce, and couples may split up for any number of reasons… or overcome any number of obstacles (including an affair) to stay together!

This raises a couple of important questions – first, why do people think this way? Second, what really causes divorce?

Part of the reason people might want to make such assumptions about divorce is, well, fear. If they see divorce as something that happens only as a product of infidelity, then they can put all of their focus on avoiding that specific problem. If there’s no affair, they’ll never get divorced – this is delusional thinking. It’s much more complicated than that, but when people oversimplify these kinds of things, they can feel like less of a threat.

So, why do divorces happen?

The ugly truth is that divorce is the final stage of the long, slow death of a marriage. Divorces happen over time as the connection between a couple falls apart, as they drift away from each other, as they continue bad habits and neglect the important parts of their relationship. All of this, though, is just the lead up – and no matter how bad it gets, divorce is ultimately a choice.

Most divorces happen because of this one reason.
Most divorces happen because of this one reason.

Divorces don’t just “happen” – a couple has to throw in the towel and decide that the marriage is not worth saving.

There’s no single event that makes them happen, and they are by no means inevitable. We can always decide to break the cycles of negativity, to reform our habits, to change the way we treat our spouse and the way we approach the marriage. Just as divorce is a choice, so is building a strong, healthy, happy marriage!

In both cases, it’s a combination of many factors that make or break a marriage.

Divorce is the last straw of a slowly crumbling marriage, but it’s the details that really do the damage – not spending time together, forgetting to compliment and flirt with one another, taking each other for granted, negativity, putting each other down, letting your sex life fall by the wayside… and on and on. The actual decision to divorce comes later. The damage is often done over a long period of time, and even if a divorce is preceded by an affair, what led to the affair? These things don’t just “happen” without circumstances that develop over time.

The good news is, though, that all of these same factors are what can protect your marriage from divorce. By spending time together, complimenting and flirting with each other, appreciating each other’s contributions to the household, staying positive, working together to solve problems, maintaining a healthy sex life… and so on, you can build up the strength of your marriage to make an affair less likely, to keep fights and conflict to the bare minimum, to drastically reduce your chances of even considering a divorce – and above all, to make your marriage happy and fulfilling!

It’s the little things that count, so be aware of how you approach your marriage over the course of each day, not just when it’s “date night” or you disagree with your spouse. How you treat each other – and the amount of effort you put into the relationship – are the biggest factors that lead to divorce, or protect you from it!

For more advice on how to strengthen your marriage, check out the StrongMarriageNow System today!
[i4w_m_vsl_promo]
Dr. Dana Fillmore and Amy Barnhart, co-Founders, StrongMarriageNow.com

Related Posts

Will Divorce Really Harm Your Kids?

Divorce can wreak havoc on many parts of life. It’s expensive and time consuming, can drag up painful memories, cause bitter confrontation, bring about financial ruin, damage friendships, and of course, lead to chaos and confusion in the lives of the children whose parents are splitting. But just how severely are these kids affected? We […]

Don’t Be This SCARY Marriage Statistic

Perhaps you’ve heard before that January is “divorce month” – and it’s true! Statistically speaking, the beginning of the year sees a huge spike in divorce filings, and many attorneys report the same experience. Why January? Well, one of the largest possible reasons can be found in the stress of the holidays – and in […]

Who Has It Harder In a Divorce? Men or Women?

Is the dissolution of a romantic relationship harder on men or women? It’s hard to say exactly who has it “worse,” but there’s evidence to suggest that men take divorce especially hard. A recent study published by the Journal of Men’s Health showed that recently divorced men were much more likely to engage in drug […]

3 More Potential Marriage Enders – Part 3

In our final installment of this series, we’ll examine three more problems that can mean catastrophe for your marriage – IF they are allowed to continue unchecked. These are the types of issues that many couples simply accept as “normal,” and allow them to chip away at the quality of the relationship without taking steps […]

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

28 comments

Don 8 years ago

My wife and I are at a really troubling time right now. We are not really friends, and certainly not lovers. I have no emotions except loneliness and boredom. Our 34th wedding anniversary is coming up.

Don 8 years ago

My wife and I are at a really troubling time right now. We are not really friends, and certainly not lovers. I have no emotions except loneliness and boredom. Our 34th wedding anniversary is coming up.

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Don, There are a lot of reasons why you both may be feeling separated, but it's not too late to grow together. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/feel-wife-slipping-away-dr-dana-here/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Don, There are a lot of reasons why you both may be feeling separated, but it's not too late to grow together. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/feel-wife-slipping-away-dr-dana-here/

Ajaxn 8 years ago

This is the time to begin to show your wife she means more to you than anything. You can turn this around but you must put aside any pride you are carrying that stops the communication and then start listening to her. Take any suggestions she has made in the past about home improvements, vacations, gifts, and surprise her with one for a starter. The look for that opportunity to tell her that you realize how important she is to you and that you love her above all things. My wife left me without warning at the 36 year mark. I wish someone had warned me of the impeding track wreck two years earlier. This may be your warning blast! If you want to save your marriage you must start now by showing her acts of love. Recommend you read Dr. Gary Chapman's book "The Five Love Languages". Go home tonight and give her a physical touch, stroke her hair, or touch her face and tell her you had forgotten how soft it was and that she is beautiful. You must begin to turn this train around! Trust me, it will save you a lot of pain and suffering if you begin now before it is too late. Once she publicly states the marriage is over, the chances are she will not be coming back and will not forgive you. Your chance is now!

Ajaxn 8 years ago

This is the time to begin to show your wife she means more to you than anything. You can turn this around but you must put aside any pride you are carrying that stops the communication and then start listening to her. Take any suggestions she has made in the past about home improvements, vacations, gifts, and surprise her with one for a starter. The look for that opportunity to tell her that you realize how important she is to you and that you love her above all things. My wife left me without warning at the 36 year mark. I wish someone had warned me of the impeding track wreck two years earlier. This may be your warning blast! If you want to save your marriage you must start now by showing her acts of love. Recommend you read Dr. Gary Chapman's book "The Five Love Languages". Go home tonight and give her a physical touch, stroke her hair, or touch her face and tell her you had forgotten how soft it was and that she is beautiful. You must begin to turn this train around! Trust me, it will save you a lot of pain and suffering if you begin now before it is too late. Once she publicly states the marriage is over, the chances are she will not be coming back and will not forgive you. Your chance is now!

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Ajaxn, I'm sorry to hear that your wife left, but you offer great advice. We promote the "The Five Love Languages" book as well. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/marriage-advice-understanding-differences-communication-styles/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Ajaxn, I'm sorry to hear that your wife left, but you offer great advice. We promote the "The Five Love Languages" book as well. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/marriage-advice-understanding-differences-communication-styles/

SwirlWoman 8 years ago

My husband and I met on BigBeautifulPeopleMeet.com. We fell in love fast...have so much in common. Then after we got married, he had bariatric surgery. This changed him so much. Now, in exchange for overeating, he is drinking (which I learned is common...exchanging one bad habit for another). I can't stand that he is drinking every other day, sometimes every day. Besides the money issue, I've lost something in me - he's pushing me to walk with him or exercise all the time. Obviously I know I should, but if I wanted a thin healthy man, I wouldo not have gone to a website for overweight people! I wanted someone who loved me for me. Now, the big problem, everyone tells him how good he looks (which he does), but he went and slept with 2 other women. I'm trying to forgive, but I'm having a very difficult time. How do I build the trust and love again?

SwirlWoman 8 years ago

My husband and I met on BigBeautifulPeopleMeet.com. We fell in love fast...have so much in common. Then after we got married, he had bariatric surgery. This changed him so much. Now, in exchange for overeating, he is drinking (which I learned is common...exchanging one bad habit for another). I can't stand that he is drinking every other day, sometimes every day. Besides the money issue, I've lost something in me - he's pushing me to walk with him or exercise all the time. Obviously I know I should, but if I wanted a thin healthy man, I wouldo not have gone to a website for overweight people! I wanted someone who loved me for me. Now, the big problem, everyone tells him how good he looks (which he does), but he went and slept with 2 other women. I'm trying to forgive, but I'm having a very difficult time. How do I build the trust and love again?

Mark 8 years ago

My wife just told me Thursday that she is leaving me. We have been married for 23 years yesterday. We were pastors of a church and she had an affair. With a friend of mine. We left that church and departed ministry. We moved 2 states away to try and regroup and save the marriage. We took secular jobs and worked on the marriage. We found that my testosterone level was almost non existent which most likely led her to the affair because I was not loving her in all ways. We fixed that and the last year was like pure ecstasy. But I could not get over the affair. I was always wondering where she was at, suspicious, anxious, jealous of any man who spoke to her, paranoid that she would leave me again.

Mark 8 years ago

My wife just told me Thursday that she is leaving me. We have been married for 23 years yesterday. We were pastors of a church and she had an affair. With a friend of mine. We left that church and departed ministry. We moved 2 states away to try and regroup and save the marriage. We took secular jobs and worked on the marriage. We found that my testosterone level was almost non existent which most likely led her to the affair because I was not loving her in all ways. We fixed that and the last year was like pure ecstasy. But I could not get over the affair. I was always wondering where she was at, suspicious, anxious, jealous of any man who spoke to her, paranoid that she would leave me again.

Mark 8 years ago

I drove her away. She saw I was unhappy and that she could not and chose not to meet my needs. She drifted away along time ago. We fixed many things and brought it back but I suppose not all the way back. I read these articles and see the truth to them in so many ways. I absolutely am so devastated and have begged her another chance to work it out. She has decided it can't be fixed and it is over. She cries, the kids tell me, when they are with her. She fought in her mind if it was right. It all tells me she isn't convinced but she is a stubborn woman and will not change her mind. My kids are with me, but often want to be with her. Oh my God, I cannot tell you all how much I am dying inside. It is hard to not want to call her. I wake up wanting to be intimate with her again. I just want to touch her, hold her, love her again. I don't want to move on. I just want my wife back. I wish I would have seen these articles sooner.

Mark 8 years ago

I drove her away. She saw I was unhappy and that she could not and chose not to meet my needs. She drifted away along time ago. We fixed many things and brought it back but I suppose not all the way back. I read these articles and see the truth to them in so many ways. I absolutely am so devastated and have begged her another chance to work it out. She has decided it can't be fixed and it is over. She cries, the kids tell me, when they are with her. She fought in her mind if it was right. It all tells me she isn't convinced but she is a stubborn woman and will not change her mind. My kids are with me, but often want to be with her. Oh my God, I cannot tell you all how much I am dying inside. It is hard to not want to call her. I wake up wanting to be intimate with her again. I just want to touch her, hold her, love her again. I don't want to move on. I just want my wife back. I wish I would have seen these articles sooner.

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Swirl, so much of who we are is unfortunately reflected by how we see ourselves physically. You both need to find a counselor in the area to help you work through these issues. He needs to see that he is still your husband, and he actions are not okay. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/7-steps-to-survive-an-affair/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Swirl, so much of who we are is unfortunately reflected by how we see ourselves physically. You both need to find a counselor in the area to help you work through these issues. He needs to see that he is still your husband, and he actions are not okay. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/7-steps-to-survive-an-affair/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Mark, I'm so sorry your whole family is going through this. Since you both are people of faith, is there a trusted member you could speak to about this? We do believe that you can save your marriage on your own, but showing her the spouse you want to be. She will need her space, but you can leave the door open. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/how-to-stop-the-divorce-and-save-your-marriage/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Mark, I'm so sorry your whole family is going through this. Since you both are people of faith, is there a trusted member you could speak to about this? We do believe that you can save your marriage on your own, but showing her the spouse you want to be. She will need her space, but you can leave the door open. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/how-to-stop-the-divorce-and-save-your-marriage/

Mark 7 years ago

Too late. She is already looking for apartments. Has a lawyer, but just for paperwork as we are trying to go uncontested. I did everything for her. I took kids to school and picked them up, Took them to practices and picked them up. Mostly because I work from home managing a business. She works in the next town. I cooked most of the meals, clean the house on the weekends because she worked sundays. I even painted her toes and colored her hair because I did It better than she did. I always told her how beautiful she was. She never could see that. She thought I had to say that. She comes from a family of narcissists. Not saying that lightly. Her sister has been to a psychologist and that person said the family was textbook. We made love like nobody can every night. It is all just crazy. She constantly tried to get thinner, even when her BMI was in the top 10% in the national average. She always was trying to better herself. She left me about 2 weeks after finishing her second degree. She actually said she had been thinking since she graduated...I think she has hit peri-menopause and We together talked about that. So I don't say that lightly either. I think she made a decision to be free from marriage, responsibility, and love. She won't talk about it because it might make her come back. What sucks is that the need for physical can be given to her by anyone, even though she said it was all so amazing. I think in time she will crack under this craziness and wish to come back. I asked God what to do. I believe the answer was to keep myself pure. What??? If it were wishful thinking He would have said I will bring her back. So tough...to talk with someone for 25 years and then to have almost no communications with her. How can she just walk away from it all? There are so many books for women whose husbands have left them. But is there a book for men who have been abandoned by their wives? 2 weeks in....I feel like I am losing part of me by trying so hard to cut off the love for her to protect myself. I don't want to stop loving her. She was my best friend for 25 years. God if I had one more month. One more day.

Mark 7 years ago

Too late. She is already looking for apartments. Has a lawyer, but just for paperwork as we are trying to go uncontested. I did everything for her. I took kids to school and picked them up, Took them to practices and picked them up. Mostly because I work from home managing a business. She works in the next town. I cooked most of the meals, clean the house on the weekends because she worked sundays. I even painted her toes and colored her hair because I did It better than she did. I always told her how beautiful she was. She never could see that. She thought I had to say that. She comes from a family of narcissists. Not saying that lightly. Her sister has been to a psychologist and that person said the family was textbook. We made love like nobody can every night. It is all just crazy. She constantly tried to get thinner, even when her BMI was in the top 10% in the national average. She always was trying to better herself. She left me about 2 weeks after finishing her second degree. She actually said she had been thinking since she graduated...I think she has hit peri-menopause and We together talked about that. So I don't say that lightly either. I think she made a decision to be free from marriage, responsibility, and love. She won't talk about it because it might make her come back. What sucks is that the need for physical can be given to her by anyone, even though she said it was all so amazing. I think in time she will crack under this craziness and wish to come back. I asked God what to do. I believe the answer was to keep myself pure. What??? If it were wishful thinking He would have said I will bring her back. So tough...to talk with someone for 25 years and then to have almost no communications with her. How can she just walk away from it all? There are so many books for women whose husbands have left them. But is there a book for men who have been abandoned by their wives? 2 weeks in....I feel like I am losing part of me by trying so hard to cut off the love for her to protect myself. I don't want to stop loving her. She was my best friend for 25 years. God if I had one more month. One more day.

Mark 7 years ago

Thank you. I spent years helping others save their marriages, and now I can't save my own. Do you suggest any books for Husbands whose wives left them? I have one on the process of divorce and it is helping me take the steps. But what about the emotional psychological side of it?

Mark 7 years ago

Thank you. I spent years helping others save their marriages, and now I can't save my own. Do you suggest any books for Husbands whose wives left them? I have one on the process of divorce and it is helping me take the steps. But what about the emotional psychological side of it?

Mike_Olsen_SMN 7 years ago

Hi Mark, I'm sorry to hear this. I hope she is able to find what she is looking for, and if you feel you want to leave the door open, then certainly do so.

Mike_Olsen_SMN 7 years ago

Hi Mark, I'm sorry to hear this. I hope she is able to find what she is looking for, and if you feel you want to leave the door open, then certainly do so.

PSD217 7 years ago

Hi..I'm 43yo..I've been married for 10 years..I had an affair 2 years into my marriage...my wife filed fir divorce then...we managed to band aid the marrage but it's been a rocky time thereafter with my wife holding it over my head, I let her do as she pleases as I realize I was wrong and I love her...long story short we separated in April this year because we'll her mom and I do not get along and she has been advocating divorce since the affair. ...last week after a rough Sunday of texting she filed for divorce on Monday. ...I love her ..but she's already admitted that 50% of the reason shes leaving Is her mother...we have 2 young kids 8 and 10....how can one fight a vindictive and controlling mother in law?

PSD217 7 years ago

Hi..I'm 43yo..I've been married for 10 years..I had an affair 2 years into my marriage...my wife filed fir divorce then...we managed to band aid the marrage but it's been a rocky time thereafter with my wife holding it over my head, I let her do as she pleases as I realize I was wrong and I love her...long story short we separated in April this year because we'll her mom and I do not get along and she has been advocating divorce since the affair. ...last week after a rough Sunday of texting she filed for divorce on Monday. ...I love her ..but she's already admitted that 50% of the reason shes leaving Is her mother...we have 2 young kids 8 and 10....how can one fight a vindictive and controlling mother in law?

Mike_Olsen_SMN 7 years ago

Hi PSD, she is clearly not over the affair, and letting her mother justify her leaving. You both should enter counseling, and agree not to discuss the marriage with others. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/save-marriage-what-laws/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 7 years ago

Hi PSD, she is clearly not over the affair, and letting her mother justify her leaving. You both should enter counseling, and agree not to discuss the marriage with others. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/save-marriage-what-laws/