What To Do When Your Spouse Won’t Talk To You

Here’s the next video in our blog series “Dr. Dana Answers Your Questions.”

Today’s question is from Nate: “My wife gets angry and goes to her room and will not speak to me and says just leave me alone. The problem is she won’t speak about the issue for several days. Those days are a living hell for me. I go through the fear of her being in there deciding to leave me. How do I go away and give her space without being afraid of her leaving?”


 

 

 

Please comment below the video to ask your own questions or just to let us know what you think. We’re frequently shooting new videos and will answer the top questions as part of this ongoing series.
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22 comments

Tom 9 years ago

My wife and I don't agree a lot of times which leads us to verbally abusing each other. When my wife gets mad at me, she says hurtful things to me. I do not take this well, and am probably too sensitive, but then I turn around and say hurtful things to her. Sometimes I just retreat to a safe place and then she accuses me of whinning. Becuase of this, we have not had any romance or intimacy in our relationship for over five years. How do I stop the fighting and prevent us from saying hurtful things to each other? Also, how do I get the intimacy and romance back into our lives?

frustratedinseattle 9 years ago

Great video. My wife did this to me for years. I didn't know how to handle it. Now we have been separated for almost a year and it is still happening. Sometimes she seems to be breaking out of the pattern but I really believe that if she would have just talked earlier we would not have separated and headed for divorce. Is there anything I can do to look to myself to see what I may have done to motivate her giving me the silent treatment? What can I do now to motivate her to speak to me in a positive manner and get on with our lives? I want her back and I really could use some more balance in communication.

desperateandalone 9 years ago

My husband and I are newly weds as of August 2012. Less than two weeks after we wed though, he was shipped off to Germany as he was in the army. This last year has been really rough on the both of us; we have been unsuccessful in trying very hard to get me over to him, and he is now being discharged because he is having sleep issues. We had an excellent relationship before he left, but the stress of it all and the time away from each other has ruined it. He wants to argue over everything, and I don't know how to talk to him without making him even angrier. We sometimes wont talk for up to a week, and when we do, he acts like our fight never happened. Is there anyway to get our communication back up to at least par so we can hold out till he gets back? And if he doesn't come back, is it worth staying together?

Mike_Olsen_SMN 9 years ago

Desperateandalone, I am glad you are interested in working on your communication skills. Hopefully the two of you will watch this video together. There is always room for improvement, especially in communication. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/communication-in-marriage/#comm-video

Silent in michigan 9 years ago

My wife and I are quite recent newlyweds and it's evident we have a strong love for each other. But I am in a state if perpetual fear of disappointing her in all aspects of our marriage. So, and me being this way naturally when something arises I try to handle in myself which backfires. Which then leads to an incessant barrage of yelling on her end. And I am not a big fan of raising my voice so I don't speak and then we don't speak for a day or so. But nothing ends up bring rectified and it compounds on whatever ekes brings trouble into the relationship. I am trying to be a better communicator with her but I fear it don't be quick enough and she is planning her way out

Mike_Olsen_SMN 9 years ago

Silent in michigan, It sounds like you recognize the areas in which you need to improve upon! I would continue to build and work on your communication skills with your wife. One thing to consider is that the two of you may have different communication skills, and you may have to work on understanding each others communication styles. Here is a helpful article for both of you to read: https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/marriage-advice-understanding-differences-communication-styles/

Noelle 9 years ago

My husband gets angry and shuts me out for weeks or sometimes months. We are living separately and he has filed for divorce. It has been 15 months since he filed for the divorce and in that time there have been 6 attempts at reconciliation. The first by me, the remaining 5 by him. Something has set him off each time and he has terminated the reconciliation. I feel he is harboring anger, bitterness and resentment. I am not sure if this from his affair with ow collapsing or from guilt and shame from his betrayal. It is not the first he has been unfaithful. I believe it is his way of punishing me for whatever he is holding against me. That if he were to forgive me for my part is our problems (I have taken responsibility, apologized and made changes) he would have to look at himself, take responsibility and apologize for his own part. He is unwilling to do that. He apologized once, it did not feel sincere or heartfelt and his behavior has not improved. I asked if he had accepted my apology as he had never said he had forgiven me. It was not an answer he gave willingly and it seemed to take forever. It also did not seem sincere or heartfelt. I am having a great deal of difficulty with this. As a christian I feel divorce is wrong and as his wife of over 32 years it is destroying our family. I very much want to restore the marriage but cannot get past his hostility. How do you diffuse someone who is always looking for a reason to punish you for a perceived hurt you don't know how to heal?

Mike_Olsen_SMN 9 years ago

Noelle, It sounds like the two of you need to work on forgiving each other and start moving forward. If the two of you keep dwelling on what happened in the past, it will be very difficult to move forward. Please take a look at this article about why forgiveness is important: https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/forgiveness-important/

Steven 9 years ago

My wife wants to try and leave me she really stressed out about things I try very hard to keep our marriage to go strong I know she wants to be together how can rekindle with her and get her to get away from the madness that in her heart right now and convince her not to cheat on me with this people she talking to with out me interfering and make the situation worse my email address is s_rameriz@yahoo. Com if you can get back to me with an answer

Mike_Olsen_SMN 9 years ago

Hi, Steven - There is a lot of advice in our blog about hope to help your marriage on your own. Check out this article for starters - https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/save-marriage-spouse-recommit-marriage/

Garniche 9 years ago

I bought the package about how to work in your marriage when one of you has checked out. I made my husband listen to the video you prpoposed, he did, but says that position is a narrow one. We are separated now and he wants that time out to think about his life. He is 43, we were together for 25 years, i had the most loving partner. Married for 10 years, 3 small chilldren. In the past year, he went through vasectomy which really affected him. We also got bad news about his father.... incurable cancer. He is very close to his parents so it is really hard on him. He is living with them since the separation. We also went through big and intense renovations of the house that lasted one year. I am a mother at home, and all I was in the past is a mother.I was overtired and not very loving to my partner even tough I love hime dearly and profondly. He had an affair this winter and blowed up. He sure is in a mid-life crisis ans I am very aware that I do have responsability on the state of our marriage. We lost each other with the years. Now what? I think I have no other choice than respect his demand. We soon will be telling the children. I feel like we are on the pathway of divorce... Are we? Is there anything more I can do? How can I work my marriage with your strong system if he wont listen? Everytime I talk thongs over I push him away even further.... I'm kind of stucked.

Mike_Olsen_SMN 9 years ago

Hi, Garniche - it sounds like there are a lot of things at play right now. You both need to heal from the affair. You need to find who you are now, more than a mother but as a wife and a woman. He may be experiencing a mid-life crisis. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/save-marriage-midlife-crisis/

pete 8 years ago

our marriage has taken a very negative turn,anger from the past and anamosity from a past family incident has ruined our relationship,i am not sure if my wife even wants me around anymore,i have been ill for 5 months and she told me 2 weeks ago out of the blue it might be better if we are apart that was very dissapointing to me i discussed with her that i am loving and willing to move forward and forget the past,but tonight it started again it just doesn't seem she wants to make it work.....do i have a chance

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Pete - you are not alone. Here are some ideas on how to get over the hurt -https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/marriage-counseling-hurt/

tonya 8 years ago

My husband withholds affection. He feels like we did quality time and affection before marriage and we no longer have to do this. We don't talk, kiss or make love on a regular basis. We go days without Interacting and he is content with that. We just got married November 2015 and I already feel like an old couple. There is no intimacy and I don't feel loved. Everything is on his time. He always seems mad at me. I don't know what to do.

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Tonya - He needs to know marriage is an ongoing process, not an end goal. You may have a touchdown in the game, but there are still three quarters left. It can still fall apart in the second half. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/important-problem/affection-yt/

Me 8 years ago

Wow!!! Sounds like what I'm going through!!! Heeeelppp

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi 'Me' - It's common for couples. You can reconnect and feel close again - https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/reconnect-feel-close/

Elizabeth Ohl 8 years ago

This video is so helpful! I haven't been able to find the right way to explain why I don't feel comfortable having conversations with my husband and you gave all of the reason why! I may now be able to get him to understand where I'm coming from. Thank you, truly!

Elizabeth Ohl 8 years ago

This video is so helpful! I haven't been able to find the right way to explain why I don't feel comfortable having conversations with my husband and you gave all of the reason why! I may now be able to get him to understand where I'm coming from. Thank you, truly!

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Elizabeth, I'm honestly happy you found this hopeful. Communication is the biggest hurdle in any relationship. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/marriage-advice-understanding-differences-communication-styles/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Elizabeth, I'm honestly happy you found this hopeful. Communication is the biggest hurdle in any relationship. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/marriage-advice-understanding-differences-communication-styles/