Save Marriage Affair: How To Stop The Haunting Visions Of Your Partner With The Other Person

Here’s the next video in our blog series “Dr. Dana Answers Your Questions.” This week’s question is from Fred and he asks: “In attempting to save a marriage after an affair, how does one shut down the visions and never ending obsession of your partner with the other person?”

Please comment below the video to ask your own questions about save marriage affair or just to let us know what you think. We’re frequently shooting new videos and will answer the top questions as part of this ongoing series.


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Alosious 11 years ago

good and then i talked to the kids for a bit they said they msiesd me and hope i was moving back then i went back to talking to her and i said i apologize for what happened and then i said will me and you ever have another chance down the road and she said probably not and told me that i should just move on and then i asked her do you still have feelings for me or do you even love me at all and she said no she did not love me anymore and then i asked her so the whole 7 years we been together did not mean anything to you and she said no so i said ok and i let her go and hung up the phone then she calls me a couple days later and we are broken up and says she needed money bad and i said why cause she said she needed to buy smokes and that and i said no and she got mad and said whatever kevin ok its now the 14th i call her tonight and she talks to me for a few minutes on the phone after i was seeing how she was doing and she said good and then she let me go and just the other day i forgot to mention my 9 year old daughter said this to me when we were talking she said she msiesd me and that and then my 9 year old daughter sayd guess what daddy, i said what hunny, she said mommy went out on a date with another guy from and i said did she thats good and then my daughter says im only kidding and i said mya why are you doing that she said i was just bored and no my ex is not dating anyone but i think her mother put that in her head to try and make me jealous cause a woman that recently brokeup and then my daughter saying that and my kids dont keep secrets from me and she is just playing games just to test me i dont really no but i am hoping for another chance with her but she is saying for me to move on and saying that she dont want to be with me and how long does it take for a woman to miss you cause im not letting 7 years go im gonna fight and i need someones help on this does the no contact thing work it must how else are they gonna miss you if you call them there not gonna miss you so how to make your ex gf miss you thanks any advice would help

Jack 11 years ago

Living with your wife in all ways while she still carries on with the affair. What should I do to help her lean more my way and leave her lover.

Lis 11 years ago

So I discovered my husband was in communication through chat with his x who is millions of miles away. When I confronted him he lied at first I believe him. But as soon as that "train" came I got in it uncountiously and well I'm not a 5 year old I caught him in a lie. Now my marriage has turned into something I don't want I'm spying on him constantly.. He is trying but even him trying has put in my mind that if he is trying so hard it's because he did something more than what he is telling me. I didn't know that knowing would be a burden. But it's the first time I have ever gone through something like this. I will try the excersice and have a lot of hope that it will help thank you so much

Nicole 10 years ago

I had a four year affair me and my husband tried to work on our marriage by ourselves for a year we just got seperated in November he says that he can't love me the same I love him so much I just want us to be happy again what can I do to get us back to where we used to be he said that he don't want to do couples counseling I want to just be us

Mike_Olsen_SMN 10 years ago

Nicole, It is possible to work on saving the marriage on your own. Here is a video on how to do just that!

Nicole 10 years ago

Even when he says he don't want to

jan 10 years ago

I have been married for 20 years but my husband said he has not been happy for the last 10 years does not love me and wants a divorce. He has a vision in his head that I had a affair and its so not true but he does not be live me. He said he is leaving in a year and is only staying for our son once he finishes college he has found god and a special friendship with his first girlfriend, I am having such a hard time connecting with him and feel that he is not giving me chance . We are like roommates now. I don't know what to do but pray .

Mike_Olsen_SMN 10 years ago

Hi Jan - Since it sounds like you are both religious, I would suggest you talk to your pastor. They help coupes through this situation often, and we believe you can rekindle the love between you. There are several articles in our blog that address this situation.

Rhonda 10 years ago

The X affair partner lives around the corner from us. The affair was 4 years ago and our relationship is better than ever. The problem I am having is that I see her and her mother in the community constantly. It has caused me to avoid a big piece of my community that I have lived in for 28 years. I find myself 'on alert' always. When my husband and I were walking our dogs about 3 weeks ago we were verbally attacked by the 'mother'. She told me I was a coward for getting back with a man who was a liar. Both of us felt horrible and like the nightmare was just yesterday. Clearly these people haven't moved on and that in itself is taking energy for me to constantly be on alert for them We have considered moving but we love our home and have raised our family here. Any suggestions?

Mike_Olsen_SMN 10 years ago

Hi Rhonda - That must be a difficult situation. It sounds like the other woman still has attachment and is having trouble letting go :

Afraid 9 years ago

In your discussion you talk about how to take away images for the injured party. How hard is it for the person that cheated to get rid of images of when they were with the other person, especially when they are intimate again with their spouse?

Mike_Olsen_SMN 9 years ago

Hi Afraid - I think that is going to be up to each person. It would be normal to have an attachment. There were obviously feelings involved, but if the person was truly committed to their marriage, they would erase them.

Sue 9 years ago

This short video helped me a LOT! my husband wasn't actually cheating, but was in a work "friendship" that I found out about, and it was a little more than appropriate, texting each other frequently, sometimes even outside of work, & meeting for lunch, one on one, all without telling me. But the effect was the same as cheating--I keep envisioning scenarios, even though the relationship is over. I'm having a hard line letting go of these things, despite knowing my husband loves me. Im going to try the "right turn" approach, & see if I can derail the "train", since there are many loving memories I can use to diffuse the bad thoughts. Good advice!

Mike_Olsen_SMN 9 years ago

Hi Sue - I'm happy to hear it was helpful for you, and I hope you can encourage that strong connection with your husband.