Here’s the next video in our blog series “Dr. Dana Answers Your Questions.”
Today’s question is from Joe:
“How do you improve your marriage after years of disappointment time and time again?”
Please comment below the video to ask your own questions or just to let us know what you think. We’re frequently shooting new videos and will answer the top questions as part of this ongoing series on marriage counseling.
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Couples counseling has something of a bad reputation. Success rates are dismal, and for many couples, enrolling in marriage counseling signifies the beginning of the end of a relationship. This should not be seen as a shortcoming of marriage counseling itself, but rather a shortcoming of individual counselors who might provide counseling to couples without […]
Wondering if you should keep trying to make it work in your marriage or move on? Matt and Angie were struggling with that very same question. Watch this tearful and emotional video as Dr. Dana helps them make that difficult decision. Get Free Marriage Help Today Please comment below the video to ask your own […]
Have you been struggling with communication in your marriage? Matt and Angie had been fighting with each other for years and not getting anywhere. In this video, Dr. Dana helps them end the pain and connect again. Get Free Marriage Help Today Please comment below the video to ask your own questions or just to […]
Discover the 7 Steps to Survive an Affair in Dr. Dana’s amazingly helpful video. There is hope! Spouse Checked Out? Take the time right now to watch this additional marriage saving video from Dr. Dana. Want to Hear More? Check out the Success Stories from couples who have used the Strong Marriage Now System to […]
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My husband has been having an affair for 2 years now. He denies that he is still sleeping with her but stays with her every few days. Its as if he is leading 2 separate lives and when he is home he is loving, caring, acts like a father, pays all the bills and continues to work on our home and talks about our future together but then he leaves for work saying he will be back and stops all contact with me for sometimes 2 days. He will return home and act as if nothing happened. When he is home he shuts his phone off so she cant call him when he is here. We know of eachother and she says that she loves him and will take whatever part of him he is willing to give. I am sick to my stomach every time he leaves. I am unable to leave financially with my 4 kids whom he takes care of financially, I love him but Cannot share any longer! What do I do to get him back and get him to leave her forever?
Sorry to hear about your tough situation. Is your husband open to getting some couples counseling? If not, you might think about going by yourself. One thing I wonder is whether the other woman has a partner. I take it she's not worried about someone else finding out what's going on. In the end, I think you may need to take a stand, i.e., that you won't put up with it. I am 100 percent pro-marriage and working things out, but maybe if he knows you are really ready to kick him out, he'll wake up from his stupor. If it comes to that, I hope a good advocate could secure enough support for you to help you get on your feet. And I'm sure it's easier said than done with 4 kids, but I would encourage you to take time to build yourself up, including perhaps some part time work to start feeling more financially independent. Good luck and take care.
A lot to sum up quick- so I'll try my best here... I am in a marriage of over 16 years. My wife and I have 2 amazing boys (12 and 4) My wife is checked out of our marriage- for reasons that I am a control obsessive, and lack of affection and sex life. I'm 41 and she is 39. We have gone through a separation about 4 years ago- that stemmed from the same issues. In the relationship I failed to wake up and react to the problems on my end (bad communication and poor sex life)- in the past there has been a times that she has been unfaithful and it was pointed at my lack of affection. I forgave her with only the desire to work through the issues together and make our relationship better for both of us. After a 7 month separation and the forgiveness on both ends for the past 4 and 1/2 years life has been at its hardest and I have failed miserably on my end being overwhelmed by stress from work, having a young child that began sleeping in our bed - I dropped the ball big- and did not pay attention to what was happening in our house and the relationship has melted down. My wife is so insanely angry at me for letting it happen, not caring the way she needed me to physically and emotionally. She tells me she loves me- but not to be married to me any more. I have been not allowed to sleep in bed with her for 4 weeks now. For me: I have made some monumental changes to put the profession as a low priority in my life so the pressure and stress was not taking me - I spent a long time looking at how I made things go south and have postured up the best I can- and I have stopped completely with the control issue. I love her and more than anything want to mend our family- for she and I and for the kids. I want to get marriage counseling but right now the issue is so volatile I'm terrified that things will get worse. She has asked me to get out of the house and I have had to beg her to not take things to that point- and with some intervention with her Mother I still am at home... My question which maybe it is a few.... What can I do to calm the storm- and repair this relationship. She does not trust me any more- that is why she is unwilling to let things cool off so we can communicate and get things in order- so she remains very angry at me. What can I do when my spouse is checked out of the relationship? How can I get her to love me again and save our marriage and family?
Christian, It does sound like the two of you have a lot to work out, but the good news is that it is possible to get your spouse checked back into the marriage. Here is a very helpful video: https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/how-to-save-your-marriage/get-husband-wife-checked-back-marriage/
What can I do if I don't realize that I am opening that wound till he tells me. He is no longer in love and tells me it won't work cause of it. He also says for him it was like he was the rock and I was the hammer that was beating him slowly chipping way his pride, emulating him, his ego, and feeling like the first two years I didn't even love him. It was not that I didn't I just didn't know how
Kim, It sounds like he has "checked out" of the marriage. That doesn't mean it has to be over. Please take a look at this video on how to check your spouse back into the marriage: https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/how-to-save-your-marriage/get-husband-wife-checked-back-marriage/
Hi my wife and I have been married for almost 13 years. We have 2 wonderful twin boys. I have dealt with anger issues my whole life and have never been violent. I have a very loud voice and say hurtful things that I can't take back. My wife gas always swept it under the rug and has been too afraid to say anything.....until now. She and my sons gave just been scared of me. After a few recent blow ups she finally told me that she was emotionally disconnected from me. I had notice it in our sex life that there was a rush to get it over with. She very rarely kisses me or shows any signs of affection. She finally got the courage to tell me that this gas bothered her from the very beginning of our relationship. I am not angry with her and am happy she spilled her feelings. I am angry she did not tell me this 8 years ago. I am fully committed to helping and fixing myself. We recently went to our first therapy session and she said that she was 70 percent committed to fixing us. I am well over 120! That literally broke my heart. I want to constantly talk about the issues and see how she feels. She does not want to have any part of that at all. I was told just today that if i continue to look for answers that it will be over. She refuses to give me an answer or be pushed. I'm a guy. I like to have things fixed and move on. How can I find the courage and strength to work through her by giving her the time she needs! Thank you
Hi, JD - First, congratulations on being willing to work on it and going to talk to someone. That's tough for men to do. She has been hanging on to this for some time, and if she was scared of you, then it makes since she didn't tell you 8 years ago. Now that's it's out there, try to show your wife the sides of you she fell in love with, and not focus on the side you are working on. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/save-marriage-spouse-wont-talk/
Hello Dr., Greetings all. I have been married 12 years this August. After many tough situations my wife states she "Is Done" and has "No Desire" to even have me under the same roof, or share a life together at all...anymore. Now..I am no idiot and have been aware of my bad behavior and attitude, as well as the lack of financial stability for years now and KNOW...most women would not have hung around nearly as long but...this is all part of why I am so devastated over my wife's decision. You see...as Cliche' it may sound, our's was truly a 'Higher Love" on a metaphysical space...we have always felt pulled together for a higher purpose. I am from the U.S. and she from Australia, where we both live together with our 9 year old daughter. So, I guess, I have always taken for granted, my wife would be there and that things would eventually work out for us financially and that I would regain the confidence and good fortune I enjoyed when we met...therefore I lost focus on my family, my marriage and my behavior and find out now...my wife has wanted to call it quits for years...but, it was her love and good nature that tried this long. As I mentioned, I am DEVASTATED! and currently going through counseling for depression because, I simply can not have my lack of focus and poor behavior cause me to lose the most important people in my life and will and the thought has caused me great pain and anguish. I am sure, if I could demonstrate a better attitude...and achieved better financially and did all I can to be the best husband and Dad I could be...I would be able to save this marriage and after 12 years...and the ride we have had between countries, separation, illness...it's been eventful for sure...I believe I can save it and its worth doing so!! Any advice and maybe a phone session would be FANTASTIC. Thanks You.Paul M.
Hi, Paul - Unfortunately your behavior can, and possibly will, cause you to lose your marriage and family. Right now, you don't need to focus on your wife. You need to focus on yourself. Make yourself into a better man who can then be a better father and husband. Show her you mean to change if there are issues to work on. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/if-your-marriage-is-over/
Dr. Dana My husband has been worn down by how I Not coped with trials we have had. He has moved out and I have become so strong With my own strength and feel like I can embrace Any adversity . How do I get him to not give up on me ? I have not given up on myself!
Hi, Becky - First off - good for you! Second, let him know! Try dating each other again, or starting a 'new marriage'. If you are estranged, just write him a letter and let him know how things are with you and that you want to try again. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/if-your-marriage-is-over/
Dr. Dana, My husband & I have 3 daughters, all grown & married. We have started doing a little traveling -sometimes group trips as a family & sometimes just us. A couple of our daughters want to continue our long time tradition (while they were growing up) of a week at the beach. The beach has never been my husband's favorite place to go but we always went while they were young. The last few years tho when we have gone he at some point becomes miserable and just puts a damper on the fun for the rest of us. He even asks if he has to go-& I have said yes- you must do this for our family. Then there come the time -usually about 3 days into the week- when something aggravates him, or he gets mad at something, then he just pouts - or barely does anything the rest of the week. At this point I really don't mind if he doesn't go (other than this he has a good relationship with our daughters & their husbands)-- but I'm afraid that if we start doing things separately then we will grow apart. What do you think?
Hi 'Troubled', I can see there this would be a point of contention for you both. I would suggest talking to your daughters. Let them know Dad loves to go on vacation with them, but the beach isn't really his thing. Maybe one year you go to the beach, and the next year you rent a cottage in the Ozarks, or something that is a little more Dad-friendly too. Get Dad to agree to the plan. He tolerated the beach with a smile, and he gets a choice the following year. Otherwise if your hearts are set on the beach, maybe take a day trip to the casino or something he enjoys too. It can be hard to make sure everyone has a good time!
Married 47 yrs now. At year 45, my husband confessed that he had cheated. They were one time only with 3 different women. We were engaged only 8 months and he "made out with an old friend". Also within the 8 months he had sex with a stranger. He cheated within 4 months of our marriage with a stranger, and around our 15-16 year of marriage he cheated with a stranger that hung around the work site, he was working out of town. I had him take a lie detector test and he passed. He says he so sorry and don't know why he did it. I just can't understand it all. When we were dating and talking about marriage I told him that if he cheated that I would leave and take everything he has, but here I still am. I can't forgive or forget and don't know what I want. I am in therapy. We tried couple counseling but he lied to the therapist so we stopped going. I don't trust him. I don't believe anything he says. HELP.
Di, that must have a a been shock. I can understand how your faith in your marriage is shaken. But it was 30 years ago. What has changed in those 30 years that has made you the only woman he needs? We have a lot of advice for surviving an affair - you are not alone! Many couples go on to save their marriage. Here is some advice: https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/save-marriage-regain-trust-its-destroyed/
Why does every say "it was 30 years ago" as if it shouldn't matter. I only found out about it 2 years ago so it is like it just happened.
Hi Di - I completely understand it feels that way, because for you, it has. But the distance in the past shows your husband's faithfulness to you since that time. He must be feeling terrible to confess something he very well could have gotten away with. It sounds like he loves you deeply, but it's your choice whether you want to save your marriage.
He did not confess because he wanted to. He confessed because I told him he had to take a lie detector test. The test was because he was "joking" too much with someone in 2011. Thank you.
Hi Di, Either way, the choice is yours. I honestly hope you both can work through this, as difficult as we know it is, but ultimately, you both need to be happy.
Why do I keep choosing to do something hurtful, knowing it's going to have consequences, I allow excuses to be the reason for repeated actions that hurts my spouse over and over and it is coming to a point where I'm losing her?
Why do I keep choosing to do something hurtful, knowing it's going to have consequences, I allow excuses to be the reason for repeated actions that hurts my spouse over and over and it is coming to a point where I'm losing her?
Indeed its hard to get over but we are left with no choice but to because the bible said forgiveness and forget just i have forgiven your sins. If you don't forgive, then yourare the one who will always be disturbed. Though after many years of pains my husband caused me, i still forgived him and i have gotten over it as well. It all happened like this. Sarah Lincoln is my name, from USA I have heard of spells but I never believed in it. I do see it as evil but now not all spells are evil I can assure you. I never believed in love spell or magic either until I met this spell caster in Africa Sometime in November last year when I went to Africa for a business summit. I went to this Business summit heartbroken and unhappy infarct I was battered. I met a friend who also came for this summit infarct the hotel my organization paid for that I should lodge was the same hotel she was staying. Her name is Tara Fabian. The 3rd day of the submit, we boded the same taxi to the hotel. As we where going she started telling me things she noticed about me during the course of this summit. I observed how unhappy you are for the past 2 days she said. What is the matter she asked? At first it was difficult to discus with someone you haven’t seen before and I was shocked how she managed to know I wasn’t fine. Well I couldn’t hold back anymore but busted into tears. At this point I told her all I have been going through, how the man I had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down because our relationship has been on for 6years. . I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job. What hurts more is that my man was now going out with my best friend Ann and has proposed marriage to her. Tara promised to help me and she also made me to know that I will get my man back. As God may have it, the 5th day was the day we had to rest before attending the last summit. Tara took me to a man who’s name is Dr. Oligbe Akas he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one’s gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first I was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 7 days when i returned to USA, my boyfriend (now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn’t believe it because the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all I wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better. His email is (oligbeakastraditionalherbalist@gmail.com). Am the happiest woman on earth now because my husband and I are living happily now. All I have said is true but be careful not to be deceived because it seems there are lots of scammers out who are extorting money from people via the internet. You can contact me through my mail (sarahlincoln92@outlook.com if you want to confirm from me.
Indeed its hard to get over but we are left with no choice but to because the bible said forgiveness and forget just i have forgiven your sins. If you don't forgive, then yourare the one who will always be disturbed. Though after many years of pains my husband caused me, i still forgived him and i have gotten over it as well. It all happened like this. Sarah Lincoln is my name, from USA I have heard of spells but I never believed in it. I do see it as evil but now not all spells are evil I can assure you. I never believed in love spell or magic either until I met this spell caster in Africa Sometime in November last year when I went to Africa for a business summit. I went to this Business summit heartbroken and unhappy infarct I was battered. I met a friend who also came for this summit infarct the hotel my organization paid for that I should lodge was the same hotel she was staying. Her name is Tara Fabian. The 3rd day of the submit, we boded the same taxi to the hotel. As we where going she started telling me things she noticed about me during the course of this summit. I observed how unhappy you are for the past 2 days she said. What is the matter she asked? At first it was difficult to discus with someone you haven’t seen before and I was shocked how she managed to know I wasn’t fine. Well I couldn’t hold back anymore but busted into tears. At this point I told her all I have been going through, how the man I had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down because our relationship has been on for 6years. . I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job. What hurts more is that my man was now going out with my best friend Ann and has proposed marriage to her. Tara promised to help me and she also made me to know that I will get my man back. As God may have it, the 5th day was the day we had to rest before attending the last summit. Tara took me to a man who’s name is Dr. Oligbe Akas he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one’s gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first I was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 7 days when i returned to USA, my boyfriend (now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn’t believe it because the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all I wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better. His email is (oligbeakastraditionalherbalist@gmail.com). Am the happiest woman on earth now because my husband and I are living happily now. All I have said is true but be careful not to be deceived because it seems there are lots of scammers out who are extorting money from people via the internet. You can contact me through my mail (sarahlincoln92@outlook.com if you want to confirm from me.
My husband has deceived me by lies and finances as well as not following through. I have lost everything I worked so hard for and now only own my car, because I gave in and finally trusted him only to have that trust destroyed. I feel I have forgiven however, I live with the consequences of his deceit every day of my life. At 63 I have to start over. Before I married him I owned 2 homes, had high excellent credit, and had nice savings. It took me years for him to gain my trust as I had been in 2 other relationships (one a marriage) where the trust was destoryed by my first husband and by a boyfriend. It was years after my divorce that I dated.
My husband has deceived me by lies and finances as well as not following through. I have lost everything I worked so hard for and now only own my car, because I gave in and finally trusted him only to have that trust destroyed. I feel I have forgiven however, I live with the consequences of his deceit every day of my life. At 63 I have to start over. Before I married him I owned 2 homes, had high excellent credit, and had nice savings. It took me years for him to gain my trust as I had been in 2 other relationships (one a marriage) where the trust was destoryed by my first husband and by a boyfriend. It was years after my divorce that I dated.