Marriage Counseling Video: How To Stop Fighting And Name Calling

Here’s the next video in our blog series “Dr. Dana Answers Your Questions.”

Today’s question comes from Catrina and is “My husband, every so often, yells and calls me hurtful names and is now doing it in front of our young children. He calls me this particular name because he knows it hurts. He has confessed that his anger comes from his inability to provide for his family. I’m happy with our financial situation. What can I do to help him see that things are fine? My family tells me I need to leave him because the name calling is horrible. I don’t want to give up, help please.”


Please comment below the video to ask your own questions or just to let us know what you think. We’re frequently shooting new videos and will answer the top questions as part of this ongoing series.

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14 comments

Anonomys 9 years ago

How do you stop being self centered?

Mike_Olsen_SMN 9 years ago

Anonomys, It is possible for someone to change from being self centered to being selfless. Here is a great article that discusses how it is possible for people to change in a relationship: https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/common-relationship-myth-%E2%80%9Cpeople-can%E2%80%99t-change%E2%80%9D/

laura 9 years ago

how do you rebuild trust when he broke it twice ?

Mike_Olsen_SMN 9 years ago

If you are committed to rebuilding it, I would say one brick at a time. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/save-marriage-regain-trust-its-destroyed/

Annonymous 8 years ago

My husband does the same thing when it comes to arguments, name calling and bitterness. He openly admits that he says the things he does to hurt my feelings and to belittle me. I know he doesn't mean to be that hurtful, and 99.9% of the time he will apologize to me about it once things have settled down. I have broken his trust 3 times, not with affairs, but with other personal things. And I almost always feel like I deserve this as punishment. (I don't admit that to anyone) I want to rebuild that trust. But I want him to realize that him treating me like that is unacceptable. What should I do?

Mike_Olsen_SMN 8 years ago

Hi Anon - I think it's a good thing you can admit you both have things to work on. I would have a serious conversation with him. Let you know you understand you have broken his trust in the past, but the things he says when he is angry have lasting affects as well. You can work on changing the behavior together. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/truth-anger/

Brittney Turner 7 years ago

My husband and I have already moved into "separate living situations". He seems to act as if the problems will poof! and dissappear, and of course I know that they will not. His family, Mother being the worst, sister, and father is pushing him to end our marriage. The thing is, I've done all I can do to remain respectful, and even reached out to try to have some sort of relationship with his mom and sister. Recently his mother told him that if he was trying to work on our marriage which she did tell her yes we are trying to work it out, she completely exploded and continued by saying that I would never ever ever never... Be allowed at any family functions ever ever again!!! Now, you are probably wondering what I've done to cause this reaction, and I will tell you because I am very honest. I am a model and I did a shoot that they didn't approve of and took up for myself when she told my husband that we could not buy the family house (where my husband lives now, while I live in our apartment) until I get a "regular" job. My question is, How do I fix my marriage with him feeling pulled both ways, he is a mama's boy, and I choose not to nag, fight, or make him choose between us. . His mother and sister are treating me terribly and frankly he should have put a stop to this long ago! He got mad at me and ran to mama and told her and Lil sis , and now look! Please Help! What can I do?? Being a good person is a blessing, but I'm tired of my husband not taking up for me .. for us and standing his ground!

Brittney Turner 7 years ago

My husband and I have already moved into "separate living situations". He seems to act as if the problems will poof! and dissappear, and of course I know that they will not. His family, Mother being the worst, sister, and father is pushing him to end our marriage. The thing is, I've done all I can do to remain respectful, and even reached out to try to have some sort of relationship with his mom and sister. Recently his mother told him that if he was trying to work on our marriage which she did tell her yes we are trying to work it out, she completely exploded and continued by saying that I would never ever ever never... Be allowed at any family functions ever ever again!!! Now, you are probably wondering what I've done to cause this reaction, and I will tell you because I am very honest. I am a model and I did a shoot that they didn't approve of and took up for myself when she told my husband that we could not buy the family house (where my husband lives now, while I live in our apartment) until I get a "regular" job. My question is, How do I fix my marriage with him feeling pulled both ways, he is a mama's boy, and I choose not to nag, fight, or make him choose between us. . His mother and sister are treating me terribly and frankly he should have put a stop to this long ago! He got mad at me and ran to mama and told her and Lil sis , and now look! Please Help! What can I do?? Being a good person is a blessing, but I'm tired of my husband not taking up for me .. for us and standing his ground!

Mike_Olsen_SMN 7 years ago

Hi Brittney, again, this isn't an uncommon situation. We have some advice on what to do when your inlaws are against you. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/save-marriage-what-laws/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 7 years ago

Hi Brittney, again, this isn't an uncommon situation. We have some advice on what to do when your inlaws are against you. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/save-marriage-what-laws/

Chelsey 7 years ago

My husband and I have been together for about 8 years (one year married). I'll be the first to admit I have problems controlling my anger and being type A and quick to anger at times doesn't help. Recognizing this in myself at a young age I've gotten good at giving myself a warning that I'm about to explode (so that it never happens in inappropriate situations), even going so far as to "warn" my husband when he is reaching a critical breaking point with myself. The problem is that rather than ever apologizing for his part, my husband often accuses me of being drunk, crazy, stupid or just a plain B**** and even mocking me childishly if he brings me to tears and yelling. In my anger I'll put it simply I'm mean -- if he has gotten me to the point of yelling it's more attributed to blind rage than anything coherent. I know my explosions hurt him, as I often say regrettable things that I cannot take back -- a fact that I can admit but am not proud of in any capacity. My husband has expressed to me many times over his need for me not to yell, but the problem I face is after antagonizing me and inflaming me to the point that I cannot help but to yell in defense for myself he often goes silent on me. Refusing to engage me further because he himself -- in my simple opinion -- has achieved his goal of feeling as though he is more right than me simply because he didn't lose his cool and raise his voice. How do I convince my husband that my feelings matter, and that his actions are hurtful and inflammatory and alternatively how do I hold my cool without feeling I'm a doormat in the process?

Chelsey 7 years ago

My husband and I have been together for about 8 years (one year married). I'll be the first to admit I have problems controlling my anger and being type A and quick to anger at times doesn't help. Recognizing this in myself at a young age I've gotten good at giving myself a warning that I'm about to explode (so that it never happens in inappropriate situations), even going so far as to "warn" my husband when he is reaching a critical breaking point with myself. The problem is that rather than ever apologizing for his part, my husband often accuses me of being drunk, crazy, stupid or just a plain B**** and even mocking me childishly if he brings me to tears and yelling. In my anger I'll put it simply I'm mean -- if he has gotten me to the point of yelling it's more attributed to blind rage than anything coherent. I know my explosions hurt him, as I often say regrettable things that I cannot take back -- a fact that I can admit but am not proud of in any capacity. My husband has expressed to me many times over his need for me not to yell, but the problem I face is after antagonizing me and inflaming me to the point that I cannot help but to yell in defense for myself he often goes silent on me. Refusing to engage me further because he himself -- in my simple opinion -- has achieved his goal of feeling as though he is more right than me simply because he didn't lose his cool and raise his voice. How do I convince my husband that my feelings matter, and that his actions are hurtful and inflammatory and alternatively how do I hold my cool without feeling I'm a doormat in the process?

Mike_Olsen_SMN 7 years ago

Hi Chelsey, In a moment when you are both calm, explain to him that the words he uses hurt you just as the ones you use hurt him. If you can't find a good way for both of you to step back when you are angry, a marriage counselor would have some good techniques tailored to you both. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/how-to-stop-the-fighting-and-the-pain/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 7 years ago

Hi Chelsey, In a moment when you are both calm, explain to him that the words he uses hurt you just as the ones you use hurt him. If you can't find a good way for both of you to step back when you are angry, a marriage counselor would have some good techniques tailored to you both. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/how-to-stop-the-fighting-and-the-pain/