You Can Save Your Marriage Even If You’re The Only One Working On It

Many couples in troubled marriages wait too long to get help. By the time both spouses agree to counseling, the relationship has often been strained to the breaking point. Simply speaking, many couples start too late and give up too soon. This doesn’t mean their issues are insurmountable, it just means that they have let the problems in their relationship go on for so long that when they finally do decide to deal with them, there is so much hurt and resentment built up, they often give up too soon. Some spouses, though, have found a way to work on their marriages even if their partners won't go to couples counseling. They get counseling alone. What does this accomplish?

Several Studies Show That Relationship-Skills Training Done By An Individual Sees As Much Relationships Improvement As Training Done By A Couple.

Often couples approach couples counseling with the idea that they are going to “fix” the other partner; couples go to counseling and complain about one another expecting the therapist to validate one or the other of them. In reality, couples therapy is often about teaching the couple basic conflict management. We all have different ways of viewing and dealing with the world and this inevitably brings conflict. Couples therapy helps people identify the negative patterns in how people interact with one another, teaches each partner to recognize his/her individual role in those patterns and then teaches them how to do their part to change them. While the process works best if both partners participate, some counselors now say troubled marriages can benefit even if just one spouse seeks help from a couples therapist.

Whether investing in an online marriage counseling solution like StrongMarriageNow or going to couples therapy alone, one must recognize that they won't be able to change the other person, only themselves. Each spouse needs to recognize his or her own role in creating the issues in the marriage. The fact is, there is no relationship where all of the problems are the fault of one person. Rather than griping, focus on the problems that can be solved. Is one partner always late? This can be addressed. Hate your in-laws? Too bad, they come with the package. Try to re-frame behaviors in a positive way. When one husband felt his wife was overly focused on details, it was pointed out to him that the bills were always paid on time! The focus shouldn’t be on the conflict; rather, try to remember why you were attracted in the first place.

Most Couples Report That Even If The Changes Take Some Time, When One Partner Changes & Chooses To Focus On Being Happy, The Negative Patterns Shift 

One couple, married for 21 years, reported significant improvement after 18 months of the wife learning relationship skills on her own. She learned how to stop fighting with her husband and instead to start calmly explaining to him what was important to her and expecting him to respect her needs. She stated that, "He is probably treating me differently because I won't tolerate certain things anymore. But I've also become a happier person, because I am not looking for him to make me happy anymore." The husband reported he was confused by his wife's changes at first, but gradually came to appreciate her independence. "When she changed her behavior, the pressure dissipated," he said. "And when that was gone, I could think more clearly and my whole perspective changed."

For more information on how to get your marriage back on track and fix it on your own, watch our free marriage counseling video below.

Check Out Our Video: How To Regain the Love, Rekindle Passion and Save Your Marriage

Do you and your spouse need to learn how to manage conflict better? Please comment below.

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6 comments

Katherine Laree 5 years ago

My husband has "checked out" since we moved into our own place after living with his parents to help them out. He has "settled" in. I am unhappy and plan on leaving him. We have "The Love Dare" book. I will stay for that 40 days over and over for the term of our apartment lease...10 more months. We are Christians with strong beliefs. This is his first marriage..he is 48. Please help him. He cries. Our problem is passion in our physical relationship since we moved in our own place. His parents never showed love at all. He is handsome and women have chased him. I have been married before. This is my first true love. I am from Mississippi. He is, too. I am a Steel Magnolia that just loves a husband unconditionally...but I will not let someone have me beg for sex. He is on probation. I have put him on this several times. This time...I am serious.

Katherine Laree 5 years ago

My husband has "checked out" since we moved into our own place after living with his parents to help them out. He has "settled" in. I am unhappy and plan on leaving him. We have "The Love Dare" book. I will stay for that 40 days over and over for the term of our apartment lease...10 more months. We are Christians with strong beliefs. This is his first marriage..he is 48. Please help him. He cries. Our problem is passion in our physical relationship since we moved in our own place. His parents never showed love at all. He is handsome and women have chased him. I have been married before. This is my first true love. I am from Mississippi. He is, too. I am a Steel Magnolia that just loves a husband unconditionally...but I will not let someone have me beg for sex. He is on probation. I have put him on this several times. This time...I am serious.

Mike_Olsen_SMN 5 years ago

Hi Katherine, instead of disciplining him, which probably reminds him of his mother and isn't quite the turn on, you need to help him. You are his helpmeet. Him his kindle his passion. Talk to your pastor together, or a trusted counselor. Connect with him outside the bedroom to help bring that intimacy forward for you both. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/attitude-sex-life/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 5 years ago

Hi Katherine, instead of disciplining him, which probably reminds him of his mother and isn't quite the turn on, you need to help him. You are his helpmeet. Him his kindle his passion. Talk to your pastor together, or a trusted counselor. Connect with him outside the bedroom to help bring that intimacy forward for you both. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/attitude-sex-life/

rachelle 5 years ago

My husband and i have been together for 4 years and that whole time weve been living with one of our parents or the other im sick of it so i left and i dont want to move back in until we get our own place but he wont let it go he wont admit that hes in the wrong... he shoved me thats when i left hes angry all the time about things that shouldnt matter idk what to do am i doing the right thing or the wrong thing? This is my first marriage and im young with a child i dont want it to end i just dont know what to do anymore help me

rachelle 5 years ago

My husband and i have been together for 4 years and that whole time weve been living with one of our parents or the other im sick of it so i left and i dont want to move back in until we get our own place but he wont let it go he wont admit that hes in the wrong... he shoved me thats when i left hes angry all the time about things that shouldnt matter idk what to do am i doing the right thing or the wrong thing? This is my first marriage and im young with a child i dont want it to end i just dont know what to do anymore help me

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