Sex is an extremely important part of a healthy marriage. While we will all have some different preferences and needs, and even different ideas about what a “satisfying” sex life looks like, physical intimacy is a critical part of developing and maintaining healthy bond.
Unfortunately, many couples slip into bad habits, grow complacent, or begin to lose interest in sex over time. This happens for a variety of reasons, from changing bodies to self-consciousness, changing sex drive to general disconnection in the relationship… Whatever the cause, a “boring” or nonexistent sex life will likely lead to other problems in the marriage as well.
Because physical connection is tied to emotional connection, a waning sex life can lead to reduced emotional attachment too… If you aren’t intimate – and that doesn’t JUST mean intercourse – you run the risk of growing apart emotionally.
So, how can you get things back on track?
1. Make Your Spouse Feel Desired
We can’t assume that our partners know what we are thinking and feeling – we have to tell them! A big part of feeling aroused and engaged in a sexual relationship is knowing that the other person finds you desirable… So tell your spouse!
Offer up compliments, tell them how much they matter to you, how good they make you feel. Just as emotional connections are related to sex, the opposite is true! Make this “emotional investment” into making your spouse feel attractive and desirable, which will likely boost their confidence – and it will have an impact on your sexual chemistry as well.
2. Take The Lead
Too many couples let their sex lives crumble because they are both waiting for the other person to act, to initiate something, to be the driving force in the sexual relationship. When you both wait for the other person, however, nothing happens!
Take matters into your own hands, and be the initiator! Most couples fall into some kind of routine when it comes to beginning a sexual encounter, so try to change it up! If you’re usually the less assertive one, take the lead!
Try to free yourself from whatever the “same old” way doing things might be. Give yourself some freedom, embrace your sexual confidence, and don’t just wait for the same routine to unfold again. Do something exciting!
3. Send Flirty Texts
Foreplay can happen all day long, even if you have to be apart. Thanks to text messages (and phone cameras), you and your spouse can enjoy playful, sexy banter that will have you both excited to get home and into each other’s arms.
This extends into your day-to-day interactions, not just messaging. The more you flirt with each other, build sexual tension, and take a playful, fun-loving approach to your sex life, the easier it will be to want to whisk each other away into the bedroom. It won’t feel like a chore, it won’t feel like only one of you isn’t interested, and it certainly won’t feel like an “all of the sudden” desire from one of you.
Keep the chemistry alive by feeding it throughout the day!
4. Talk About It
No, we don’t mean have a serious discussion about the importance of sex and getting on the same page (though that’s certainly a good idea too) – we mean actually talk about what turns you on!
You may think you know exactly what your partner likes, but you might be missing some things – and the same is true for them. Have an open talk about what you like, what works the best for you, and don’t skimp on the details. Get over the idea that you should both “just know” what each other want, and be explicit about it!
Not only will you get some important insight into the way your spouse is thinking about sex (and some details about their favorite things), it’s also foreplay in its own right – talking about sexy things will get you thinking about (and likely picturing) the pleasures your spouse is describing.
Have a talk, then put your newfound information into action!
Next time, we’ll cover another 4 points to get your sex life out of a rut. Remember, the connection you share is part mental, part emotional, and part physical – if the physical connection is lacking, the others may very well follow. Make it a priority to keep your sex life healthy, and it can strengthen those other connections too!
For more advice on how to strengthen your marriage, check out the StrongMarriageNow System today!
Dr. Dana Fillmore and Amy Barnhart, co-Founders, StrongMarriageNow.com