Pornography remains a serious point of contention for many, many couples. There’s a whole range of emotional and ethical reactions to it – for some, it’s offensive and has no place even existing, yet other couples view pornographic material because they feel it adds excitement to their sex lives. Still others lie somewhere in the middle, and don’t place too much concern on the whole ordeal – that is, until it becomes a problem.

Regardless of where your opinions may rest, the potential for addiction is real with pornography, and the effects of such addiction create some serious problems for a marriage.

So let’s look at a very real, and very common situation – and try to get to the bottom of two problems at once.

As the title of this blog suggests, the most commonly raised problem with porn usually comes from wives who think their husbands are watching too much, are too interested, etc. They react by telling those husbands that they are “not allowed” to view that kind of material, he likely resists, and the result is not only dysfunction in the couple’s sex life, but also an argument over how that dysfunction can be addressed and resolved.

So, first things first: We’re not here to cast judgment and say whether looking at pornography is right or wrong – that’s a choice you have to make personally and as a couple. However, there’s absolutely no denying that porn – and more specifically, too much porn – has a negative effect on sexual health and the connection between spouses. Here’s why:

1. Unrealistic Expectations

Just like people in other forms of “entertainment,” porn stars and producers are in the business of selling appearance. This means that both the men and women featured in many kinds of pornography are not at all representative of average or “normal” appearances. Their actions, clothing, bodies, etc. are all hyper-sexualized to create a world of fantasy.

If this fantasy version of sex and sexuality starts to seem like the norm, people’s expectations can be drastically skewed. They may feel disappointed in their own bodies or their partner’s, they may have misconceptions about what their partner finds pleasurable, and they may lose sight of “real” sexuality by comparing experiences to what they’ve come to expect from this fantasy world.

2. Lost Emotional Connection

Porn is all about sex, and not about any of the emotional components that accompany the physical act. There’s no place for intimacy, love, and trust in most pornography, but these are some of the most important parts of a healthy sex life in a marriage. By glossing right over these essential, connection-building elements, porn can indirectly teach people that they are unimportant, and that all of the focus should be on sex itself. The results are emotional distance during sex, and perhaps worse, neglecting the other romantic, emotional, intimate connection that should be nurtured outside of the bedroom as well.

3. Changing Appetites

Just as expectations can be skewed, the physical manifestation of this damage has to do with actually changing the arousal process. Almost like a drug, there’s an issue of building tolerance here. Something novel and exciting (one of the reasons many people turn to porn for fantasy fulfillment) won’t stay “new” forever – eventually it also becomes common place, and people need to find something “stronger” to get a “fix.”

This can also happen with in-person sexual relationships, of course, without any negative influence from pornography, but because it’s so impersonal and available at the click of a button, people are much more likely to find themselves indulging – and continuing to seek that next new thing. Unfortunately, this doesn’t quite gel with real people.

Now, there are many other problems that can arise from true addiction to pornography, but the problems mentioned here don’t even characterize an addiction, they are simply some of the side effects of allowing yourself to put too much stock in a fantasy world, and letting it change the way you think about real sex (because as real as it may seem, porn is NOT “real sex”).

There’s a second problem wrapped up in this, though, and as we mentioned earlier, the title of this blog says it all. If you think your spouse is indulging in too much porn, talk to them about it, but this idea of “allowed” and “not allowed” is the wrong way to approach this (and any other) conflict.

Forbidding your spouse from doing, well, anything is an assertion of control and dominance, and that’s not a healthy way for a marriage to operate. It’s not about being “allowed” or “not allowed” to do anything, it’s about making choices based on what’s best for both of you, or if someone has to concede, making choices based on love and respect for your spouse’s wishes.

If you feel like your husband is watching too much porn, telling him he’s “not allowed” won’t make any difference. It will only create animosity and tension. However, if you talk to him honestly, letting him know how it makes you feel, discussing the possible negative consequences he may be facing, and asking that he make the choice to avoid it for your sake (and also for his own), you’re addressing the issue in a constructive, communicative way.

This goes for any problem where you and your spouse aren’t seeing eye to eye. Forbidding another adult from doing something is just asking for resistance, but as husband and wife, you can make your decisions based on what’s good for the marriage, not just individual interests.

For the men out there facing this very specific situation, understand that even if you don’t see the harm in a little pornography, your wife may not feel the same way. And even if you aren’t displaying some of the problems listed above, it’s a very slippery slope. It’s a touchy subject, so you may have trouble talking about it – and that’s a big part of why the reaction by so many wives is to deem it “now allowed” instead of talking through how it makes them feel.

When faced with this problem, regardless of which side you may be on, remember that the key to overcoming these problems is communication – talking about where you sexual needs may lie, what may be missing from the bedroom, how porn affects the way you feel about yourself and your partner, the potential problems listed here, and any other part of the topic that bears discussion.

After you’ve had a chance to truly discuss the issue at hand, agree to make decisions that are the best for everyone involved. It may mean concessions or sacrifices, but you can find a solution that doesn’t involve hurting one another OR asserting unnecessary (and unwelcome) control.

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