He’s Right! You Should Have More Sex

It sounds like the old stereotype, right? “Men always want more sex…”

Well, there is some truth to the strength of men’s sex drive, especially as it may exist outside of (or in spite of) any problems you may be experiencing in the marriage. We sometimes refer to “Nature’s Biggest Joke” – the idea that men want/need sex to feel connected, and women need to feel connected to want to have sex.

Because of this dynamic, men tend to still seek out sexual activity even if the connection isn’t its strongest – and because that connection might be lacking, women tend to resist.

This situation is precisely where this stereotype comes from. When marriages aren’t at their best, men still typically want sex often, and women might not have the same desires.

But what if he’s right?

Sex IS an important part of maintaining the connection and closeness in a marriage. It’s a part of the intimacy that separates lovers from best friends, but that’s not its only value – staying sexually active with your spouse can help your marriage in all sorts of ways!

Here are a few reasons sex is so important, and what you have to gain from spending some more time romping around in the bedroom!

He's right. You should have more sex!
He’s right. You should have more sex!

1. Health

Sex is good for you, plain and simple. It increases your heart rate, burns calories, relieves stress, increases blood flow, strengthens pelvic muscles (which helps with bladder control), helps you look younger, and gets rid of headaches.

…And that’s just the beginning! The chemicals produced by your brain and body can also help promote better moods, boost your immune system, relieve all kinds of physical pain, and increase your overall libido.

2. Communication

Sex requires communication, whether it’s verbal or not. Even your reactions to your partner are a form of communication. You’re telling each other what you want and don’t want, what you like and don’t like, and the whole time, you’re practicing how to listen and respond to your partner.

This ability to read each other’s body language, to respond to nuanced and subtle cues, is an important part of your interactions inside and outside of the bedroom. No other form of communication is so vulnerable and intimate.

3. Confidence

A healthy sex life has a way of making us feel more masculine and feminine. Fulfilling our respective “gender roles” in the bedroom puts us in touch with some deep-seated, animal tendencies, and just seems to make men feel “manly” and women feel “womanly.”

For both genders, sex can put a little pep in your step, brighten your mood, and make you feel attractive and powerful.

4. It’s FUN

Sure, you could watch some TV, you could scroll through Facebook, you could do any number of things on a given evening – but are any of them even half as fun as having sex?

In long-term relationships, sometimes we forget that sex is also just purely enjoyable. We pile up these expectations about what it means for our marriage, what our spouse is thinking, how attractive we feel or how attractive our spouse might find us, and all kinds of other hang ups – but forget that it’s also a simple pleasure that makes us feel great!

Let go of those hesitations and complications, and just enjoy yourself!

5. It Brings You Together

This is the one that gets the most coverage – and it is absolutely true. Sex does bring you closer to your spouse, but not just through intimacy and the vulnerability of “bearing it all” to one another. The physical act of having sex also helps your brain produce oxytocin, a hormone associated with feelings of love and trust.

When your sex life is good, it tends to spill over into other areas of your relationship. You’ll feel more affectionate and more forgiving, you’ll spend more time together (even if it is between the sheets), and likely have a more playful and fun dynamic in your day-to-day interactions.

Now, “fixing” your sex life (if it’s in need of repair) isn’t the easiest thing in the world, but you can start small, move slow, and get back into the swing of things. Remember that a full range of sexual experiences, not JUST sex itself, has many of these same positive benefits. The specifics of your sex life will be totally unique to your relationship – just don’t let it fall by the wayside.

For more advice on how to strengthen your marriage, check out the StrongMarriageNow System today!
Dr. Dana Fillmore and Amy Barnhart, co-Founders, StrongMarriageNow.com

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Lynne 10 years ago

How can you have more sex if you are living seperatly and he is with his affair partner all the time?

margaret65 10 years ago

Great article however no one ever writes one about the opposite. I the wife want more sex he never seems to want sex!

Mike_Olsen_SMN 10 years ago

Hi Lynne - That's actually something we've addressed previously, that it's best to hold off a sexual relationship until you have started to reconcile the marriage. We do believe you marriage can be fixed. Here is some advice - https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/blog/can-your-marriage-be-saved-dr-fillmore-answers/

Mike_Olsen_SMN 10 years ago

Hi Margaret - Regardless of the POV, the tips are still the same for why you should engage more often. It's true that women have a higher drive as they get older. You're not alone! https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/sex-set-mood/

Overthis 10 years ago

Great, another article by a female "Dr.", pushing a masculine agenda. This is the year 2014. It is NOT a woman's duty to please her man sexually at his every whim. When my husband ordered this series of "Save Your Marriage" scammery, I bought into it. We did the work, and I slowly started to realize that DR Dana is out of touch. How about addressing women who have alcoholic husbands. Husbands who have forced themselves onto their wives? That is called Partner rape. You may want to look it up. Their are some great sites designed to help woman who undergo, bullying, coercion and FORCED sex. Aphrodite Wounded is an excellent source for professionals looking to educate themselves on the subject. Puke again for sending my husband another email he can throw in my face to tell me that I am the one with the problem. Yes, I am frigid and I do not like sexual contact. Why? because I was a victim of sexual violence.

Mike_Olsen_SMN 10 years ago

Hi Overthis - I think you have missed the point of this article completely. It's encouraging willing husbands and wives to engage more with their spouses. If your partner is abusing you in any way, or you feel unsafe, please leave. We never advocate wives OR husbands staying with a spouse that is abusive. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/save-marriage-drinking-destroying-marriage/ We have advice for dealing with addiction, but only if both spouses are trying to make it work. Please know that we are pro marriage, but we are pro happy marriage. If your husband has forced himself, we consider that rape too, and we do not condone it in any way. You have the power to leave, and be happy, and we support you.

Colin 10 years ago

Hi I am a male. A pathetic example of a male. I was brought very strictly where sex AND girl friends were a nonsubject. Over 21 years ago,, I met a mature woman who loved me absolutely. She tried everything she could be attractive for me and help me change, with very little success. My dilemma is more psychological than physical. I have been to doctors and had tests. I am ok physically. I have little or no libido. My greatest desire is not sex. It is to have a close relationship with me wife. I want to be understood too. Then, hopefully, I will feel more comfortable with sex. I have found sex to be very difficult. I get bored fast. After 21 years my wife has lost all love for me. She is done. I am not. I have been trying to hear her for all these many years. I have not been very good at it. I still hope to be. But, I also want to be heard. From the beginning of our marriage, she has said the problem is not her. No it is not, but I have concerns about her, and I need to be heard on them. She is entirely closed to this. Do you have some helpful suggestions? I still love her very much eve. Though I am not very emotional. She is now very hateful. We argue so much. Still loving my fantastic wife.

Mike_Olsen_SMN 10 years ago

Hi Colin - You are not pathetic. Not everyone has a high sex drive - and that's okay. It's something you know, so it's something you can work on. If your wife is not open to trying to reconnect, work on yourself. See a different counselor. Try to find one that specializes. See a doctor too. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/health-issues-harming-marriage/

GoodRiddance 10 years ago

I'm with ya Overthis! My EX-husband threw that crap in my face all the time; like I really feel like being intimate with someone who calls me a b*tch/sl*t/wh*re tells me I'm gonna die a lonely person, tells me at least twice a week he wants a divorce- the day I finally wised up.... 30 yrs later.... is when the black, toxic cloud dissipated over my house. And guess what, he has been trying to k*ss my @ss ever since! Too late pal! I am now, 5 yrs later, engaged to a wonderful MAN who is head-over-heels madly in love with me (and I him) and wants nothing more than to see me happy :) Good luck to you!

Mike_Olsen_SMN 10 years ago

Hi GoodRiddance - We're happy you have found someone who respects you, and wish you both the best!

margaret65 10 years ago

He won't engage in sex I am lucky if he even wants to once every 3 weeks. He tells me has a problem. Well we tried viagra. I notice though because I wash his clothes that he never has "a problem" with porn.

Mike_Olsen_SMN 10 years ago

Hi Margaret - does he have a porn addiction? https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/is-porn-addiction-jeopardizing-your-marriage/

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