Working on your marriage can sometimes be a daunting task. It can mean addressing serious issues or owning up to big mistakes, but strengthen your marriage isn’t always about overcoming giant obstacles or solving major problems.
In fact, many of us might not be facing large-scale problems, but instead are caught in a cycle of a less-than-satisfying relationship – without a real sense of what’s wrong. Even if you don’t have something huge to address, it doesn’t mean you can’t make an effort to make your relationship great!
No matter where you are in your marriage, there is always room for improvement, and there are some small things you can keep in mind that just make everyone’s life a little bit easier (and a little more pleasant, too). To give your marriage a little shove in the right direction, try these simple things: 
1. Contact
Physical contact is a big part of what keeps you connected as a couple, and this doesn’t mean sex! Even the smallest gestures of affection, a quick hug, a kind touch on the arm, all help keep the spark alive. Making a point to touch one another throughout the day, or at least when you can, has a positive effect on both your individual wellbeing and your strength as a couple.
Make a point to get a few good hugs in everyday! Hold hands when you walk through the store together, or simply rest a hand on your spouse when you’re sitting on the couch. It may not seem like much, but these small touches keep the two of you feeling familiar with one another, and a gentle touch can relieve stress, reduce anxiety, and generally make your spouse feel loved!
2. Extra Effort, Extra Consideration
Because we can’t read each other’s minds, sometimes the smallest things can end up causing tension in a marriage. This is especially true when it comes to household chores. The thing that seems like the lowest priority to you might drive your spouse up the wall when left unattended. To avoid this altogether, you can simply make the extra effort to take care of yourself, the kids, or any other little thing you see that needs attending. It’s all about turning your efforts up a notch – spend the extra 10 minutes to put the laundry away or do the few dishes in the sink, not because it’s your turn, but because it needs to be done. In a similar vein, keep your spouse’s schedule and responsibilities in mind. If you can take a small action to reduce just a fraction of their daily stress, you will have strengthened your relationship in a major way.
If you’re both doing this on a regular basis, the chores stay done, and you are both enjoying pleasant surprises of one less thing to do than you thought – and that goes a long way in keeping everyone happy.
3. Stimulating Conversation
Another great way to stay connected is through conversation – but not just any old talk. Make it a priority to chat with your spouse, but not about the things you have to manage together like finances, kids, or household responsibilities. It doesn’t really matter what you’re talking about, as long as it stays away from those potentially stressful and argument inducing topics. Chat about your goals or aspirations, the book you’re reading, something interesting you heard on the radio – anything to get your comparing opinions and intellects. These are the kinds of conversations you had when you were first dating, right? Before the house and the kids and the car payment, you just spoke to each other as people, not husband and wife. This is the path to staying connected on an intellectual level.
As couples age, their opinions and interests can change – if you don’t take the time to talk about it, you may not notice!
It’s not always the big things that make the difference in a marriage – relationships are full of nuance, and keeping the small stuff in mind makes all the difference in your day-to-day lives. Paulo Coehlo once wrote, "It's the simple things in life that are the most extraordinary," and this couldn't be more accurate for marriage. It's the simple things that keep you connected and in love.
What little things do you do keep stay connected and keep your spouse happy?
Check Out Our Video: How To Regain the Love, Rekindle Passion and Save Your Marriage
News outlets are ablaze with the story of David Letterman’s recent tell-all interview with Oprah Winfrey. The interview (scheduled to air January 7th) centers on the Late-Night host’s recent scandal – the public admission of several affairs with various female staff members, including assistant Stephanie Birkitt. The affairs resulted in a blackmail plot by a CBS producer, and on-air admission of infidelity, and countless questions from fans and media representatives throughout the country.
In the interview, David Letterman talks in detail about how the affairs have affected his marriage, blaming himself exclusively, and the work he’s put in to get things back on track with his wife.
From David Letterman and Tiger Woods to David Patraeus and Bill Clinton, the news reports an affair involving a powerful man on a fairly regular basis. It’s become less of a surprise in recent years, but why are these types of men drawn to infidelity, and why do they think they can get away with it?
When you get into the psychology of men in power, it isn’t so difficult to see the factors that make them so susceptible to infidelity, and to understand that they very same factors also lead to thinking that they can get away with it.
First, let’s address the basic need for companionship. While we can’t offer blanket forgiveness to these men, we can at least understand that, on a base level, human beings desire company – particularly in a romantic sense. Men in power, like presidents, celebrities, and the like, often spend weeks (and even months) away from their wives. Just as spending time together strengthens the bond of marriage, spending long periods of time apart weakens them.
This doesn’t entirely account for the phenomenon, however. Plenty of professions require husbands to spend time apart from their wives, and while this may put a strain on the marriage, we don’t see similarly high rates of infidelity.
The second major factor is temptation. Movie stars and professional athletes (among other types of powerful men) are often wealthy, in good shape, and live a relatively high profile lifestyle. These things can be very attractive to certain women, some of whom are willing to chase after these men in very direct and unscrupulous ways.
These temptations are coupled with the ego-boosting behaviors of the people on hand, from the assistants and staff who endorse/encourage adulterous behavior, to the fans and “yes men” that put the powerful man on a pedestal and feed his feelings of power. These elements can combine to create a psychological “snowball” that leads to feelings of invulnerability, disregard for consequences, and perhaps most dangerously, downright selfishness.
These last few risk factors are also why these men feel that they can “get away with it.” When given special and preferential treatment by those around them (both men and women), men in powerful positions will begin to see themselves as their supporters do – as untouchable, above consequence, and concerned only with their own desires.
At the root, powerful men cheat for the same reasons as anyone else – loneliness, seeking thrills, and selfishness - and while it is never excusable behavior, they are perhaps more inundated with the risks than any other population. Take note of these risk factors, and do everything in your power to avoid them – you don’t have to be rich and famous to be at risk.
Check Out Our Video: How To Regain the Love, Rekindle Passion and Save Your Marriage
Dr. Dana Fillmore and Amy Barnhart, co-Founders, StrongMarriageNow.com
As the recent recession dug in, U.S. divorce rates started dropping. Not because everyone's happier, mind you: We just can't afford to split up. With our collective net worth down nearly 18 percent thanks to the downturn, who has the cash for a divorce attorney and alimony?
If you feel your relationship may be in peril, try this strategy: Fall back in love. It can be done. In fact, according to an Institute of American Values study, 64 percent of couples who were verging on breaking up but who stuck with their marriages and worked on them, found their way back to conjugal happiness within a few years. The route to marital happiness may not be as hard to find as you think, but you first have to identify why your relationship is off course. We surveyed experts to find out which types of strains tend to challenge couples the most, and how you can make happily last ever after.
Stressed Out?
In times of stress, we look to our relationships to help us through. But while singles start new relationships in times of stress, people who are already coupled up may find that stress can damage their relationship. It does this, in part, by eating away at our self-control and weakening the resources that usually stop us from, say, dropping mean, sarcastic wisecracks on our spouses. Self-control functions like a muscle. If you've been implementing a lot of self-control in other domains, you may start to have less left over for your relationship. So after you spend a day at the office trying not to say or do anything that will cost you your job, you may not have the resources left to handle even the smallest argument with your spouse.The fix: Take some down time. When partners who generally have good relationship skills are under extreme work stress, they may have trouble using their best communication and relationship tools once they get initially get home. So try taking time to unwind after you arrive home by doing something to let go of some those stressors, instead of diving right into dinner (and potentially an argument) with your spouse. If you tell your spouse that dinner conversation is much more enjoyable after you've shed the day's stress by shooting some baskets or tinkering in the garage, (for him) or talking with some girlfriends or (maybe she likes to shoot the hoops too!), each of you will be more likely to understand where you're coming from. This will give both of you a chance to cool off before discussing your day.
Misreading Each Other?
When squabbles break out, partners tend to see each other's negativity or hostility as an innate quality ("she's just mean" or "he's so stubborn") instead of by-products of the current tension. When couples aren't under any particular duress, they're more likely to forgive occasional behavioral lapses. But in the heat of an argument, people often blame their mates for negative behaviors, and that pattern tends to build on itself over time.The fix: Give each other the Benefit of the Doubt. Believe it or not, most pain inflicted in a relationship is accidental. Chances are, you’re not married to a jerk. Giving someone the “Benefit of the Doubt” means, given all evidence to the contrary, you first assume that they did not mean to hurt you on purpose. This makes forgiveness far easier to offer because there’s a lot less to forgive when you realize the behavior was accidental. If your wife snaps at you when she walks in the door at night, you first assume that she had a really bad day at work. If your husband didn’t clean up the back yard after he said he would, you first assume that other important tasks came up and his intention was never to purposefully ignore your request. Giving your partner the “Benefit of the Doubt” allows you to avoid becoming immediately angry, and therefore, to potentially access your patience and humor - doing this can dramatically decrease the number of times a mere misunderstanding turns into full-scale conflict.
Further, while occasional communication about the issues that bother you is important, try frequently communicating to each other about what you think is terrific about each other, rather than constantly trying to smooth out the tics that annoy you. Tell him (or her), for instance, that they did a great job painting the living room instead of saying, "That turned out well." That way they'll know that it's him (or her) you're impressed with, not chance.
You’re on the Wrong Side of the Libido Blanket?
I'm sure it comes as no surprise that one of the main issues that brings couples to therapy is disagreement around sex. A relationship is considered to have a problem with sex if either spouse is unhappy with the quality and/or quantity of sex. One of the reasons for this is that most women need to get started in the sexual process before they can even begin to decide if they want to have sex. This means that many women tend to wait to really feel like having sex before they even “step up to the plate.” As such, most women don't feel safe starting something, if they're not sure they'll want to finish it. In other words, over time, many women stop giving passionate kisses to their husbands while standing in the kitchen because they feel horribly guilty if they get things started but don't end up having sex. This can develop into a pattern of avoidance. Many women even admit to picking fights and feigning the ever-famous headache just to avoid disappointing their husbands. Let me make that clear, they don't do it to avoid sex necessarily, they do it so that neither of them will have to feel the pain of a rejection.How does this affect men? Well, one of the most common complaints I hear from men is, "The affection is missing. She doesn't touch me anymore; she doesn't kiss me anymore; she doesn't even want to hold my hand." Inevitably, I hear the woman say “Yeah, right. He just wants to have sex.” She believes that if she starts with an affectionate kiss on the couch and doesn’t take it any further, he’ll be mad and she’ll feel guilty. And often, she's right. Men can take this lack of follow-through very personally and can have a very negative reaction, so that it sometimes seems easier for both parties to avoid the whole thing.
The fix: Touch without the turn-on. When a professor of psychology at Brigham Young University asked married couples to spend 3 days a week touching nonsexually for half an hour (with back rubs or foot rubs, for instance), the couples' levels of the stress hormone amylase decreased, and the men's blood pressure dropped. So even if you're not in the mood for sex, some physical contact can help reduce your stress and improve the way you feel about each other. If you figure out what really hits the mark with your wife, her anxiety and tension about your relationship will diminish. Light physical contact may not be mind-blowing, but it'll quickly renew your connection—and probably reignite her enthusiasm along the way.
You're Ignoring the Little Things
Whether it's going out of your way to find the book she wants to read, or simply moving one of his must-see movies to the top of the Netflix queue, sacrificing/compromising for each other can boost health and happiness and lower breakup rates. Compromise is a currency of relationships. Show each other that you're committed and that you care about each other by putting the relationship and not yourself first. The good news is that when you sacrifice, the effort stands out. It's a positive that's really salient. It's not necessarily expected, but it's clear what you did for him or her.The fix: Schedule sacrifice/compromise. Write down a few things you know your partner likes, and set a reminder on your Smartphone to do one of those things each week. If, on the other hand, you think you're the one who's sacrificing/compromising more, analyze the situation. Your partner may actually be sacrificing a lot for you, but it's not in the channel you're responding to. What evidence is there that they are thinking of you when you're not around? Is the fridge always stocked with your favorite food? Did he/she let you change plans when your friend unexpectedly had a night free? If so, then thank him or her. They’ll be happy to hear it.
Do you know of more ways to reignite the passion between you? Let us know! Please comment below.
Check Out Our Video: How To Regain the Love, Rekindle Passion and Save Your Marriage
Dr. Dana Fillmore and Amy Barnhart, co-Founders, StrongMarriageNow.com
Here's the next video in our blog series “Dr. Dana Answers Your Questions.” Today’s question is from Nancy: “How do you work on a relationship that is long distance?”
Please comment below the video to ask your own questions or just to let us know what you think. We’re frequently shooting new videos and will answer the top questions as part of this ongoing series.
Check Out Our Video: How To Regain the Love, Rekindle Passion and Save Your Marriage
Here's the next video in our blog series “Dr. Dana Answers Your Questions.” Today’s question is from Julie: “What do you do if you suspect depression or something else with your spouse? For example my husband has had sleep issues for 10 years along with feeling down. He follows a healthy lifestyle so much so that he is actually addicted to exercise. His body is so important to him that he puts this before his family.”
Please comment below the video to ask your own questions or just to let us know what you think. We’re frequently shooting new videos and will answer the top questions as part of this ongoing series.
Check Out Our Video: How To Regain the Love, Rekindle Passion and Save Your Marriage
Here's the next video in our blog series “Dr. Dana Answers Your Questions.” Today’s question is from Elyse: “In November of 2009, I discovered that my husband was having an affair that started 2 months prior. It finally ended in August of 2010. I've been to counseling, read many books about surviving affairs, but still can't get over the pain, hurt, anger and feelings of betrayal that I have due to this affair. Is it time to call it quits?”
Please comment below the video to ask your own questions or just to let us know what you think. We’re frequently shooting new videos and will answer the top questions as part of this ongoing series.
Check Out Our Video: How To Regain the Love, Rekindle Passion and Save Your Marriage
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We’ve all seen the stories of celebrity break-ups including Heidi Klum and Seal, Katy Perry and Russell Brand and Martin and Shamika Lawrence. These are all examples of people with very busy lives. While we may never know all of the issues that split up these couples, I believe at least part of the problem was probably that they stopped growing together and instead started growing apart.
Remember when you were first together and you couldn’t get enough of each other?
You spent hours talking and laughing, learning about each other, what you cared about, what your dreams were, what your fears were, what you liked about each other? What most people don’t realize is those things continue to grow and change over time and if we’re not checking in and spending time with each other, we are, by definition, growing away from each other and potentially growing apart. I don’t know how many couples have come to me over the years on the verge of divorce, that tell me there are no major issues, but they’ve just “grown apart.” What “grown apart” tells me is that they have not been spending enough time together.
If you do not continue to connect throughout your married life, you run the risk of being married to a stranger. The reality is, it is virtually impossible to be in love with someone you don’t really know and are not connected with; and it is virtually impossible to truly know someone with whom you never spend time; you can certainly “love” them – but be “in love”? No. There’s a reason why 90% of long distance relationships fail within a year. They simply don’t spend enough time together.
Further, couples that don’t spend enough time alone together can’t meet each other’s emotional needs and as such, one or both may be tempted into an affair. If you’re not meeting each other’s needs, chances greatly increase that one or both of you may be more easily tempted to find someone else who will. The fact is, spending time alone together makes everything else easier. Of course there are other critical components in a happy, healthy marriage, like communication and affection to name just a few. But how can you work on communication if you never have the time to talk to each other? How can you work on affection if you don’t spend time together? How can you resolve money issues if you’re rarely in the same room? How can you learn to be a team if you’re always alone?
A healthy sexual relationship is equally important to a marriage because a relationship without sexual intimacy, by definition, is simply a friendship. And while we may truly love a friend, we are not “in love” with them.
Sexual intimacy is what differentiates friends from lovers.
It connects the couple on a deeper level, helps keep the marriage fun and exciting, and (if you're doing it right!), creates a bond that you have with no one else on the planet.
I can explain, in great detail about all of these topics, but unless you take the time to be alone to talk with each other, to be affectionate with one another and to enjoy each other, you’ve lost the single most vital component in any marriage and things can only begin to crumble.
To Fix Your Marriage and Reconnect, Check out our free video presentation below...
Check Out Our Video: How To Regain the Love, Rekindle Passion and Save Your Marriage
Do you and your spouse need to spend more time together and reconnect? Please comment below.
Dr. Dana Fillmore and Amy Barnhart, co-Founders, StrongMarriageNow.com
Here's the next video in our blog series “Dr. Dana Answers Your Questions.” Today’s question is from Angela: “What if you are not attracted to your husband physically anymore?”
Please comment below the video to ask your own questions or just to let us know what you think. We’re frequently shooting new videos and will answer the top questions as part of this ongoing series.
Check Out Our Video: How To Regain the Love, Rekindle Passion and Save Your Marriage
Find Out How Marriage Counseling Can Improve Your Relationship at StrongMarriageNow.com.
Here's the next video in our blog series “Dr. Dana Answers Your Questions.” Today’s question is from Christie: “My husband drinks and keeps promising to stop and he does but can not stay sober. He knows he does bad things but denies what was done. I love him to death. I need help.”
Please comment below the video to ask your own questions or just to let us know what you think. We’re frequently shooting new videos and will answer the top questions as part of this ongoing series.
Check Out Our Video: How To Regain the Love, Rekindle Passion and Save Your Marriage
Some of the most common complaints in marriage counseling sessions center around communication. Men and women alike take issue with the way their spouse communicates (or doesn't), citing many similar things like, "he never listens to me," "I don't understand why she gets so upset," or "he acts like he doesn't even want to talk to me."
The reason these complaints are so common is simple: men and women do not communicate in the same way!
We've all been there - an experience where a person of the opposite sex just didn't seem to get what we were trying to say, or misinterpreted our intentions or tone of voice. Isn't it curious that women usually complain about not enough communication, and men complain about their wives demanding too much? Women are verbal communicators by nature - they want to talk things out, to share moments of their day to day lives, to use speech as a means for connecting with others. Men, of course, do this too, but their approach can be quite different. Where a woman will include contextual information to create a detailed picture, a man will present more rigid information, choosing to get to the point more directly. Where a man may want to dive right into problem solving, a woman is more likely to probe further to determine the reasons for the issue at hand.
This can even be apparent in casual communication, or conversations among friends. It has been said that women form relationships through communication that leads to activity, and men form relationships through activity that leads to communication.
These differences can become a serious problem if people aren't aware of them - they will only see the communication (an inherently two-sided event) from their own perspective. To make the best out of these natural differences, couples need to keep them in mind when they talk to one another, both in the way they speak and in the way they listen. Now, not all men are alike, nor are all women. These are just general observations - each individual is going to have their own way of communicating, and it may or may not align with the typical behavior of their gender.
Based on those broad generalizations, though, here is a little advice for communicating with your spouse.
For men: your wife wants to communicate with you; it helps her feel connected. Make a point to listen actively, and to hear not only the information she's sharing, but what she says about how it makes her feel - this is what she's really sharing. When talking to her, let yourself be open to sharing details of how a situation affected you emotionally. You don't have to be so matter of fact.
For women: your husband wants you to be direct and clear in your communication. They may not pick up on the emotional cues that you think you are giving, and it's easy to lose their interest with too much loosely related detail. Ask questions. Get him involved in the conversation. It is inconsiderate to simply talk AT him. On the listening end of things, understand that if he has something to say, he has good reason (at least in his own opinion) for saying it, and wants to be heard.
For tips on effective communication with your spouse, as well more ways to strengthen your marriage, check out marriage help and the StrongMarriageNow System today!
