dr-dana-headshot

Have a question? Need advice? Want help for your marriage? Ask Dr. Dana!

 

This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.
  • CeeBee

    Can blended marriages with controlling mother-in-laws, adult children, and an alcoholic husband be saved?

  • Warren

    i have put hands on my wife on 3 occasions. I am so ashamed and embarrased and i have accepted responsibility for all my actions. I want to make restitution with her and show her that I am committed to our marriage and her. There is nothing I regret more in my life than these mistakes. How do I save my marriage? Thank you

  • jess

    I have currently been married for 14 years now, but weve been together for 19 years!! He is my first love and when we first got married 4 months into our marriage I cheated on him. It was THE ABSOLUTE BIGGEST MISTAKE ive ever made and I was lucky enough that my husband didnt wanna lose me and wanted desperately to make our marriage work. Everything has gone fine since 2002 (or so I thought) then on October 8 2014 I got a facebook message from a girl telling me she had been sleeping with my husband on and off since year 2 of our marriage. Needless to say I am being torn in every direction. I really love my husband but he has admitted finally to sleeping with her and I am having the awefulest time dealing with it EVER!! Like it seems everyday just gets a little bit harder for me to trust him again.. I know I made the same mistake 4 months after we were married but I dont know if he was stronger than me or if he knew he was gonna get revenge so it made it easier for him or what but Im not strong enough and i soooooo want to be!! I dont wanna lose my husband but I cant afford these books either! Any advice that you can give, I do love my husband but truly dont know how I can get past this mess. I dont know whats harder for me to forgive the actual cheating on me or the fact that he lied to me for 12 years.. how can I possibly ever trust anything that he says again???
    And to be quite honest he wont talk about it, everytime I bring it up he wants to shrug it off and tell me that if I cant get passed it that hell just leave.. i dont want that but i think we do need to talk about it. It just seems that hes only sorry because he got caught not because he cheated on me and hurt me.. which makes it extremely hard to forgive him. Please HELP desperate wife…

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      Hi Jess, That is a very hard situation. Until he can talk to you about it, and apologize, it’s going to be hard to forgive him. And short fling is different than over a decade of infidelity. If you would like to save your marriage, I think you would both need couple’s therapy to figure out why he strayed. http://www.strongmarriagenow.com/survive-affair-infidelity-in-marriage/

      • James Anderson

        You are unfortunately missing the point. She cheated on him and it emasculated him. This made him feel unattractive, which is the worst thing that can happen to a man. I bet she never addressed this with him and based on the letter, I don’t see any mention of that from her.

        Simply put, the “revenge” factor of his cheating is that he felt he needed to someone to make him feel whole about himself and to restore his sense of manhood and masculinity. I am not saying this is correct to take this drastic of a step, but you can generally “bet the farm” as to why he went into the affair in the first place.

        Of course, that initial action is not an excuse and carrying it on for 12 years is even more inexcusable. However, Jess wants her marriage repaired, you better go back that 14 years and address that (even back then), your husband was (and still is) more attractive and better than the other guy you cheated on him with.

        The standard, “Oh I made a mistake, I love you, it will never happen again!” line is a nice start, but it only scratches the surface of what women need to do if they want their marriages restored after an infidelity.

  • chris

    my was going to celebrate our 17yr wedding anniversary until my wife went to the casino and didn’t come back home until the next moring why would she leave at home at our anniversary night she wouldn’t answer her phone

  • Anna

    My husband and I are high school sweethearts. We have been together 15 yrs and married 10 of them. I had an affair with his best friend. I came clean about the affair 2 yrs ago. It was rough at first and we split apart for about 4 months but, still around each other nearly everyday. Well, now here it is 2 years later and he says that he has tried to love me and forgive me and now he wants a divorce. We have 2 children involved and I don’t want the divorce. What is the best thing for me to do. Our children have been dragged through all this and the words he says to me are so vulgar and mean. How can I save our marriage and get back on the same page?

  • jami

    I caught my husband cheating on me with a man. According to his gay personal posting “I have been this way since high school but have not had many situations to explore it”. He is promising me the world and to never do it again. Then I found out this has been the third time since we have been married. How can a marriage be saved if the partner physically desires men but wants the safety and security of a heterosexual marriage?

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      Hi Jami, an affair is an affair whether with a man or a woman. Either way, your husband is not feeling like his needs are being fulfilled. If he is a gay man married to a woman, you may find it best to leave. If he is a bi man who is scratching an itch so to speak, then you both should try counseling together to try and see if you both agree that your marriage is monogamous. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/7-steps-to-survive-an-affair/

  • grace

    I have a cheating husband for 41 years, each time I thought this is the last time, but he start all over again. How do I leave him since I don’t know how to start.

    • Mike_Olsen_SMN

      Hi Grace, we focus on trying to repair marriages, though we know it isn’t always possible. I can’t give you any advice on how to leave him, except to start with a lawyer.

  • Barbara Kimyon

    I am confident that my husband cheated on me over a period of years. He always denied it, but recent information has come to me that confirms my gut was right. I think it’s over, but that doesn’t lessen the grief or my need to get it out in the open. How do I bring it up, especially since things are going more smoothly between us … at least on a very superficial level?

  • joe

    my wife came to me four months ago and told me she needed time and i panicked. a lot of mean and nasty things have been said and done since she checked out .we have three children and maintain a household i am willing to do anything to save our marriage and family.i was told i will be served with divorce papers any day now . this is the worst thing that has happened in our twenty year marriage our ages are forty nine and fifty one not sure what to do wish i had come across your program when things were better and not in panic mode