Here’s one of those points that women typically don’t like to hear. In 15 years of doing marriage counseling, I’ve never met a man who had an affair, who was satisfied with the sex life in his marriage. And by satisfied, I don’t mean just regularly having sex; I mean, I’ve never seen a man want another woman when he felt his wife really wanted him.

In a survey of married men, 50% of them rated their sex life as a grade C or lower.

Want to know what the top two things that all men who were surveyed wanted from their wives? Increased initiation (they want you to go after them) and increased enthusiasm (they want you to be happy about it!) In bed with a partner, your average man needs to feel valued. Appreciated. Accepted. And yes, desired. He needs to feel good about himself.

The bottom line, ladies, is that men simply want to be wanted. They need to know you’re into it and into them.

And not just into him when he’s on his best behavior. Society, our mothers, our girlfriends have taught many of us to use sex as a reward for good behavior. Many women think that whether they feel sexual or not is dependent on everything around them, how he behaved that day, whether he did the dishes, whether he complimented her on her outfit, whether he watched the football game for too long, etc. But this simply isn’t true or fair. The fact is, women need to take responsibility for their own sexual feelings. We’d never have sex if it depended on our husband’s being perfect. Nobody’s perfect. (No, ladies, not even us.) Using sex as a reward teaches your man that it’s something you’re willing to do but not something you want to do. Be careful, because this leaves him vulnerable to someone who really does want him.

But what if the wife doesn’t want him or want him very much? Let’s be honest, sometimes women don’t want to have sex because the sex isn’t that great. This just brings me to a very important point – Ladies, it’s extremely important to talk about sex, to figure out how you are satisfied sexually and then to ask for what you need. Most men want to please their women. They are just afraid to look like they are failing so they don’t ask her what she needs for fear they haven’t yet given it to her and she will find him lacking. Instead, be kind, be spontaneous, be adventurous (if that’s what turns you on), but let him know!

So, figure out what works for you and tell him. You’ll both have a lot more fun turning each other on!!

Sex in marriage: Do you and your spouse know what turns each other on? Please comment below.

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Dr. Dana Fillmore and Amy Barnhart
Co-Founders, StrongMarriageNow.com