Sex Therapy: Spice Up Your Sex Life

Do you feel as if the romance is gone from your marriage?  Does sex feel like “wham, bam, thank you, m’am?” Do you want more or better sex? Do you feel like sex is a chore?  Do you just want to be wanted?

Make Love Throughout the Whole Day

One of the things couples have a tendency to do is to begin to take each other for granted.  To prevent this, remember to flirt and stay connected throughout the day, put in the time to clear your mind and environment from distractions, then make it safe to take your love and affection as far as it goes, (see our article, Couples Guide to Great Sex, and How a Woman is Sexually Aroused to learn about how a woman and a man’s arousal process are different from each other).  Don’t take things personally and lighten up!  In other words,

Make love throughout the whole day
regardless of whether you
end up in bed and chances are
you’ll end up there way more often!

Feelings of Excitement Can Change Over Time

Now, let’s get into how feelings of excitement can change over time.  Many couples are unconsciously yearning for that amazing sensation, that rush they experienced in the first (roughly) two years of their relationship.  And they feel that “something is missing” if it’s not there. The bottom line is that you can’t keep that going.  I mean I could marry my favorite hot movie star tomorrow, (Hellooo, Mr. Depp!), and in about two years, when he walked in the room, I’d say in a loving, yet unruffled voice, “Oh.  Hi honey.”  His mere presence would no longer be enough to make me weak in the knees.  Monogamy is, by definition, somewhat boring.  It’s not a natural state. You could be married to the best lover on the planet, but even champagne and caviar every day eventually gets dull.  It’s not personal and it doesn’t mean that you’re not still completely in love with your partner.

But, don’t get discouraged!   Because there are actual chemical and biological reasons for this, there are also ways to counter it.  We can rev up those thrilling sensations.  We can make it interesting and exciting again.  How?  By creating and putting ourselves in situations that are new, somewhat “risky,” or even vaguely “forbidden.”  Whether that means taking up dancing, trying new positions, buying new toys, taking up white-water rafting, or having sex on the beach!  I’m just saying don’t rely on the day-to-day interactions to keep it interesting.  Try getting out of your comfort zone a little – Spice it up!

To learn more about how to have more (and better!) sex using our online videos and downloadable exercises, check out our StrongMarriageNow System.

Are you having issues in your sex life?  How can we help? Please comment below.

Dr. Dana Fillmore and Amy Barnhart, co-Founders,

Sex therapy: Don’t Let Your Marriage Slip Away Save Marriage Now. & Visit

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Shaun 13 years ago

My husband and I aren't having sex at all and I'm not sure if he's cheating or not. He doesn't even seem interested in me at ALL he has moved out of the bedroom (everything that belongs to him) and locks the door when he leaves. If I touch him it takes him a while to warm up and he says he just don't have the desire because of things that have happened between us in the past. I feel neglected and useless and unwanted. We don't even kiss anymore and I'm very lonely but refuse to step out on him but I think about it. Not sure what to do or how to go about doing it at this point. I just want my husband to love and want me again

helen provencal 13 years ago

we do not have anymore sex because we do nnot get along and he is always insulting me and then i do not feel for sex after that. so we have not had sex since i do not know when because he is too old like 84 and i am 78 and we do not feel like having sex anymore

Bill 13 years ago

What are the statements, questions, comments to my wife that will be most comfortable to her about our intimacy? We feel very good about our marriage of 30+ years; I want to make it better for her.... She is wonderful!