Is Porn Ruining Your Marriage?

Pornography is a touchy subject for most people. For starters, it’s an intensely private (some would say shameful) use of time that most people are uncomfortable talking about, or even bashful about admitting to – without even going into any detail.

The unfortunate reality is that the internet has made porn more abundant and available than ever before – and that means that its damaging effects are even more widespread than they used to be.

And while people of both genders watch porn, men are far and away more likely to – and more likely to suffer from the negative effects. You might be wondering just what those affects are – and as you probably guessed, every last one of them has to do with closeness, connection, and a healthy sex life.

Let’s take a closer look:

1. There’s No Intimacy

The sexual parts of our brains learn from the things that stimulate us. In a real human relationship, sex involves communication, connection, and intimacy – but in pornography, there’s absolutely none of that. It strips the whole complex sexual relationship down to the acts themselves – and we can’t help but internalize those patterns.

Because everyone in porn is “ready to go,” it imparts the “lesson” that this is how normal sex works, and therefore makes it all about the act – instead of about the connection.

2. Unrealistic Expectations

Not only does pornography give us an unrealistic representation of sex, foreplay, and connection – it also gives unrealistic expectations of what bodies should look like. These are people whose bodies ARE the product they sell – and that means intense workouts, plastic surgery, professional makeup artists, and on and on to make sure they are looking like some sexualized “ideal.”

But the truth is, people don’t really look like that – at least most of us don’t. When we start to associate our sexual thoughts with those images, though, it creates an unrealistic standard that our partners can’t live up to (because they are real people, after all, without makeup, airbrushing, and camera tricks to help cover up imperfections). For men, it creates a totally objectified view of the female body, as well as standard of male physique and “anatomy” that doesn’t reflect reality – and may lead to self-consciousness and self-doubt.

3. Conditioning

Just like Pavlov’s famous dog, we are all subject to conditioning – that is, associating certain stimuli with certain outcomes. What the means for a porn user is that, well, eventually the images/videos/etc. become a central component of sexual stimulation – instead of the real live person they’re married to.

This goes for arousal and stimulation, but also runs deeper, affecting even the desire to be with another person (instead of on the computer). The longer this goes on, the harder this conditioning is to break. For most people, they don’t even realize when it’s happening until after the damage is done.

In a similar vein, being conditioned to pornography can also make “regular” sex seem boring. While there’s nothing wrong with “spicing things up” from time to time, many of the acts depicted in pornography simply aren’t pleasurable for both partners, are too strenuous, or – like the people themselves – are dramatic, exaggerated versions of “real life.” Thinking they are the norm can be problematic, to say the least.

4. Selfishness

Like the entries on intimacy and conditioning, getting satisfaction mostly through porn (and usually masturbation) can lead to developing bad habits surrounding sexual needs – particularly a spouse’s needs. If a person is used to instant gratification, and can achieve it by themselves (and relatively quickly), it can make seduction, foreplay, even connecting at all feel like too much work, or somehow not worth the effort.

People become concerned with satisfying their own needs, and disregard the needs of their partner – and what starts with sexual desire eventually bleeds into intimacy, connection, communication, and ultimately, even participating in the relationship at all!

These are only some of the problems that pornography can cause in a marriage. The parts of our brains that control sex drive – and all of the related desires, needs, and behaviors – are complex and subject to outside influence, and not always under our control. If you’ve noticed some of these problems in your relationship, it might be time to ask your partner about porn use.

If it’s already a problem, talk to your spouse about the damage being done. If it’s truly an issue, you may even want to consider seeking professional help.

As with so many other issues, overcoming the obstacles starts with communication and honesty. Don’t let porn ruin your marriage!

For more advice on how to strengthen your marriage, check out the StrongMarriageNow System today!
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Dr. Dana Fillmore and Amy Barnhart, co-Founders, StrongMarriageNow.com