Recover from Affair

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Dr. Dana's Help to Recover from an Affair

Discover How to Recover from an Affair

Do you fear that you marriage may be in trouble? Are you dealing with an affair? For more information and skills necessary to safeguard your marriage from an affair, sign up for our free webinar, “5 Secrets to Save Your Marriage. Click on the button below and register for our FREE webinar. It may be just what you need to save your marriage.

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Video Transcript - Dr. Dana's Help to Recover from an Affair

Hi, I’m Dr. Dana. Thanks for taking our survey! The results indicated that you may be dealing with a possible affair? Unfortunately, this is not surprising as 50% of marriages experience some sort of infidelity at some point in the marriage ranging from major to minor transgressions. The good news is that only 15% of marriages actually break up due to infidelity. What does this mean? Well, it means two things: One: that infidelity does not, by definition mean the end of a marriage and two: that staying married, like everything else in life, is a choice.

Marriage is an up and down journey that two people have agreed to make together. To weather the journey and the possible affair, the first thing a couple has to do is to discuss what their definitions of trust and faithfulness are within the marriage. Are they on the same page regarding the behaviors that constitute crossing the line? Often, they are not. One partner may believe that it’s perfectly acceptable to hang out with a member of the opposite sex that their spouse doesn't know while the other partner may feel that talking and flirting with someone online (as long they never meet), is totally above board. I mean who hasn't heard about Bill Clinton saying, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman?" But what exactly did that mean?

Both people in the couple need to agree on what constitutes cheating. They need to know what they each think about opposite sex friends at work, online activities, pornography, FaceBook, etc. Both members of the couple need to come to an agreement and clearly define what being faithful means to each of them.

Another thing that’s important to understand is that 95% of affairs happen because the emotional needs in the relationship are not being met. knowing this ahead of time is critical for two reasons. First, it allows you to recognize how important it is to kick up your game in the marriage to meet your partner’s needs. Secondly, and just as importantly, it is up to you to do some honest soul searching and figure out what you truly want and need from your life and marriage. Then sit down with your spouse and talk about it. At this point, what do you have to lose? Give them a shot to meet those needs before its too late.

The truth is while I believe that marriage can be fun and happy, I also know that it takes honesty and work. The fact is that the tried and true, albeit cheesy, analogy of the the garden really does apply. If you water, feed and tend to the garden your in, it will be a wonderful place of beauty and peace. If you neglect the garden, or take it for granted, it will wilt, wither and eventually die. Or more accurately for this topic, the garden next door will seem a lot more appealing.

And for the person who may be entertaining the idea of an affair, it’s vital for them to know why they are at risk for an affair. In large part it’s because they may be longing for that crazy, “in love” feeling - you know, when that wildly attractive person walks in the room and your knees go weak? Well, guess what? That feeling only lasts for about two years - no matter who you’re with. After about two years, due to familiarity, our brains produce different chemicals that make us feel warm and comfortable, no longer hot and bothered. People often misinterpret these two states as being "in love" versus not "in love." That's just not the case. The bottom line is I could marry my all time sexiest movie star today and in about two years he'd walk in the door and I'd feel warm and comfortable - not hot and bothered.

This is really important because it's often the reason people believe they may be "falling in love" with someone else. Someone new will bring back those great chemicals and give us that "in love" feeling, but it's simply because they're new. It’s critical to remember that in two years, after several arguments regarding who's paying the bills and who's picking up the socks, you will feel the same way about them that you now feel about your current spouse.

And finally, I have to cover the flip side of the possibilities and point out that if you are worried about a possible affair, it may be due to unfounded jealousy. Trust, like so many other things, is a choice. Once the boundaries in the relationship have been decided, we must choose to trust our partners. In other words, if your husband says, he got stuck in an elevator with a Victoria's Secret model for six hours and nothing happened, you might consider believing him. If you don't, you are basically telling him he is untrustworthy. What I get all the time is: "Oh, I trust him, it's her I'm worried about." But let's think about this, unless you're afraid she's going to tie him up, carry him away and ravish him, you are actually calling into question his commitment and integrity. So I challenge each of you to agree on your boundaries, meet each other’s needs and decide to trust each other.

To recover from an affair and make your marriage even better, sign up to listen to our FREE webinar, “5 Secrets to Save Your Marriage.” Just click on the button below to register today. It may be just what you need to get back on track and give you the happy, fulfilling relationship you’re looking for.

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"5 Secrets to Save Your Marriage?"

Feeling stuck? Want to save your marriage but aren't sure how? Register for our FREE "5 Secrets to Save Your Marriage" Webinar and you'll discover:

The answer to "Can my marriage be saved?" Dr. Dana Fillmore will tell you how almost any marriage can be saved even if you’re the only one working on it
4 Relationship Myths that are probably getting in your way – Believing in these myths can actually prevent you from saving your marriage
How to avoid common mistakes you may be making in your marriage. Did you know that most people’s attempts to save their marriage fail?
The most important thing you need to do to save your marriage – And you’ll be surprised it’s practical and easy to apply for almost everyone
Clear, straightforward steps that you can take immediately to get your marriage on track