January 21, 2015 5:00 pm
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Do you feel your sex life is unsatisfactory? Is the romance gone from your marriage? Do you want more physical intimacy and closeness? Do you want more or better sex? Is there more that you want, but you don’t know what to say or how to say it to your partner?
I’ve mentioned this before, but I will say it again - nothing can significantly improve unless couples are communicating. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is that couples talk to each other about sex. I’ve actually noted a strange phenomenon that occurs with many couples where they actually become more shy with each other over the years and find it incredibly difficult to talk about this very personal and intimate subject. They find it easier to do it, then to speak about it! But they must talk about it. Couples often report to me that after spending several sessions discussing their fears and fantasies with each other, they are, in fact, amazed at how receptive their partner is. And that's how it should be.
Our spouse should be the one person on the planet that we feel safe exploring anything with. And at the risk of repeating myself from previous articles, ...this takes time alone together.
Don't wait to talk about sex till you're in the bedroom. In fact, it’s almost always a bad idea to talk about sexual concerns while you're in the bedroom. That doesn’t mean that you can’t provide encouraging suggestions now and again, you just want to avoid the heavy stuff while you’re in the moment.
Wherever you are able to talk about it, however, it's imperative that you have many open and loving conversations about sex where you take what that other person says at face value. In other words, don't see your partner's sex life through your eyes. If she tells you, “I need dinner and a date before I really feel like the sex is about me,” believe her. And if he says, “I don't feel like making love when you've just spent the last 20 minutes telling me how I can be better in this relationship,” believe him. Many couples get frustrated in the therapy process because they report that they've repeatedly told their partner certain things over the years but, because their partners didn't feel the same way, they were never taken seriously.
Better sex: Are you having issues in your sex life? How can we help? Please comment below.
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Dr. Dana Fillmore and Amy Barnhart, co-Founders, StrongMarriageNow.com
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