One of our StrongMarriageNow Community members asked Dr. Dana “I feel my wife slipping away. She has separated from me and I feel crushed. I’ve tried really hard to show her love, but it just seems to push her away. She appears checked out. Nothing seems to work. I don’t want her to give up. Please help.”

Here’s a transcript of Dr. Dana’s answer to the question from a recent StrongMarriageNow Community call:

"Well, in that question I’m going to assume you mean she’s pulling away from you not necessarily physically at this point, but that she’s pulling away from you emotionally. That you’re feeling disconnected. The way I’ll answer that, interestingly enough, is to bring up another author's famous work."

"Many of you have probably heard of or read the book called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. In that book he explains that we all have a different way that we feel loved. For some people it’s acts of service, in other words, someone doing something for us. For some people it’s words of affection. For some people it’s physical touch. For others it’s gifts.   The fifth love language is quality time. The reason I bring this up is that I’m wondering if your wife is feeling loved by you in her “Love Language” or the way that she would feel loved."

"The classic example of this is a woman who complains that her husband doesn’t love her and he looks at her and says “I don’t understand. I work hard all day. I do so much for you.” And she says, “But, you never tell me you love me!” His way of expressing love is acts of service. Her way of feeling loved is through words and expression and so they’re missing each other."

"So it sounds to me like you and your wife are missing each other. I would recommend sitting down with your wife and exploring what would make her feel loved. What would make her feel like she was connected to you? What could you do to show her how much you love her? Explore why isn’t she isn’t feeling it from you. Why isn’t that translating? Basically, have a loving conversation and ask her what it is that she needs."

"And, perhaps you’ve already had this conversation—but often times this conversation can play out as follows. Your wife might say, “Well, I just wish that you’d spend more time with me.” Then usually the person says, “But I do spend time. I try.” And then they engage in an argument, which shuts the other person down. So my coaching for you is to stay quiet and be sure to just listen to what she says. When you do respond, simply ask questions to make sure you really understand what she’s talking about. If you’re not sure how to do that, we’ve got a Listening Exercise in our StrongMarriageNow System.  Based on the listening exercise that we teach in the system, I would stay quiet rather than to ask your questions or refute your partner's point."

"Listen and remain open and find out what’s going on.  Why isn’t she feeling connected? Why isn’t she feeling loved? Where is the disconnect? The goal of the conversation is to arrive at a place where you can express your love and show her in a way that she would feel it."

"Another point that can get in the way of understanding what’s going on is when we get frustrated. What can happen in this case is that we’re expressing—I want to say love—but we’re expressing it with an edge. My best way to explain that is as follows: We aggressively say something like, “Damn it, I’m loving you!” Unfortunately, the listener hears the aggression and frustration and not the love. Because the communication is edged with those powerful negative emotions, it interferes with making the connection we long for."

"So, please be sure take a look at yourself and explore whether or not you believe you are truly expressing your love in a sincere, kind way or if, after this long time, your tone of voice may be reflecting your frustration and fear. Be sure that your feelings and words communicate what you truly intend and what you want to accomplish. By communicating patiently, kindly and lovingly you’ll achieve the goal of more love and connection in your relationship."

To participate in our next monthly call and get your question answered, try our StrongMarriageNow Community for free.  We've also got  a powerful webinar "5 Secrets to Save Your Marraige" that has helped so many save their marriage from the brink of divorce.

"5 Secrets to Save Your Marriage"

Feeling stuck? Want to save your marriage but aren't sure how? Register for our FREE "5 Secrets to Save Your Marriage" Webinar and you'll discover:

• The answer to "Can my marriage be saved?" Dr. Dana Fillmore will tell you how almost any marriage can be saved even if you’re the only one working on it
• 4 Relationship Myths that are probably getting in your way – Believing in these myths can actually prevent you from saving your marriage
• How to avoid common mistakes you may be making in your marriage. Did you know that most people’s attempts to save their marriage fail?
• The most important thing you need to do to save your marriage – And you’ll be surprised it’s practical and easy to apply for almost everyone
• Clear, straightforward steps that you can take immediately to get your marriage on track

Wishing you more love and connection in your marriage,

Dr. Dana and Amy, StrongMarriageNow.com